It was a cold Wednesday night,
and the weather was shite,
On a blank week and yes it was raining,
It was our last week in guzz,
we were leaving because,
On Monday we started sea training.
I was well strapped for dosh,
and the streets were awash,
with septics with money aplenty,
So with me old mates,
Chalky white, Buster Bates,
To get some was quite elementary.
Now the septics are suckers,
for their family trees,
And to woo em is easy,
just put them at ease
They all trace their families
to the mayflower ship
It sure must'a been crowded
during that little trip,
Ask any yank where he's from
he will say
Stratford on Avon,
or somewhere that way.
Yes the Mayflower must have been
quite a large boat
There was that many on it
I'm surprised it would float
It arrived in Virginia with
immigrants a plenty,
But the night that it sailed
Warwickshire was half empty.
So to get them to part
with a drink for poor "Jack"
You need to distract them
and give them the yak
And if you are good,
and keep them placated
You can kid em in no time
you might well be related.
Whatever they tell you
you have to agree
Then pick up on the facts
build your own family tree,
lie like a trooper
you've all got it in ya
By the time that I finish
I owned west Virginia
I've had more pilgrim fathers
depart from my clan
I invent them piecemeal
if they fit in my plan
I've invented more relatives
than America has had
Ten pilgrim fathers and
then one of them's dad,
grandfather pilgrims
were rather quite rare
but if it gets me a wet
then I don't fuckin care.
George Washington came
from a street near to us
just 200 miles
on a very fast bus
I've laid claim to more castles
than ever was built,
I've worn every tartan
on every kilt
William the conqueror,
a mate of my dad,
Richard the lionheart?
the best friend that I've had.
I've told them of family
that live in the states
persuaded them sometimes
our dads could be mates
And in the 7Th cavalry
well naturally so
my granny served
with distinction you know
I've had drinks bought me
for tales of the gentry,
related to dukes?
well yes that's rudimentary,
I could trace both his and my families
to Hereward the wake
Queen Victoria ? no problem
well for goodness sake
Every one living twix bedford and crew
had relatives in Salem
that drank witches brew
The yarns that I've spun
have been bollocks but funny
But I've never told anyone
the queen was my mummy
I did say to one
I was heir to the crown
I think I'm 30 millionth,
and its not counting down
Now back to the story
in guzz yes I think
we told a good yarn
and got shit loads of drink.
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