He gets to review the grotty places, I've done some of the best. Venue 1. Waterloo Police Station. A very friendly place with more than adequate resources for cleanliness. A comfortable cell be it a tad austere but compensated by the friendliness of the staff at all times. I will award this establishment 4 stars. Venue 2. Portsmouth (old) Police station. A most unwelcoming venue, cold and foreboding with no warmth or love from the proprietors. Very formal and well below national average. Awarded 2 stars. Venue 3. Royal Naval Detention Quarters Portsmouth. Accommodation in this establishment is to say the least basic. No proper beds or bedding, no furniture of any description and the kind of place that you feel "rushed" in. Definitely no love from the staff, or much else. The conversation is punishing to say the least. In fact if conversation does take place un-sanctioned then punishment does take place. Long stay not recommended, but like the hotel California it is a tad difficult to check out. Has an in-house tailor and barber but they are not recommended at all. Strictly non smoking during working hours. I rate this a 1 star establishment. Venue 4. Dubai waterside Police station. Only stayed there once for a brief "by the hour" stay, 2pm until 8pm. Not recommended at all, during my short stay I was abused both mentally and physically by the staff and made to join in a forced swimming class for a two hour duration in what was described a a swimming pool but had the appearance of a septic tank. Was checked out prematurely by the British Consulate and will forever be in his debt. This is to me a zero rated gaff. Venue 5. Tamworth Police station. A pleasant modern venue that I had the misfortune to be incarcerated in during one rather hectic leave period. As I was found to be too good a boy to be allowed to have an overnight stay on this occasion I was ejected prematurely from the room I was ensconced in and thrown out rather abruptly at silly O'clock into a rather chilly and wet street. The staff though were thorough and this led to me not being invited back. All in all a satisfactory experience and although well treated would not wish to return. I rate this experience as a 4 star turn. Venue 6. Saigon Military detention centre. I spent quite a few nights in this rather dilapidated building and although not exactly a modern venue, it is by no means medieval. The staff were courteous and excitable but the main problems stemmed from culture difference. They would invite you to sit when entering a room, and this was always delivered with a suffix of please, and on most occasions the invitation was substantiated by a persuasive crack across the back with a rifle butt, just to let you know it was not a begrudged invitation. But they did not stop smiling so there was not any animosity in it surely? Just a language barrier. The bed was very substantial and there are not many donkeys that get that amount of straw in their stables. Food was not an issue as I did not get given any, and my subsistence was left to the good nature of several of the inmates wives who provided me with not only copious amounts of rice and fish (sometimes curried) but also with two blow jobs, and three back breaking bonks. So although the establishment rates 0 stars, the clientele get a very big 5. Venue 7. Cells in HMAS Harman and Canberra Police station. Short stay in both but to be honest can not remember too much about either other than clean modern and very very hospitable. Treated more like a visiting Celebrity than an offender and fugitive from Royal Navy. Given regular quarters after the first week and paroled on my own recognisance. Several members of the staff invited me to their own domiciles and introduced me to their family. That I may have been a 50/50 candidate in the impregnation of the daughter of one astounded both myself and the recipitent. She was a good egg and decided to blame the first suspect as he was to remain local and was not the object of a repatriation to UK order. Venue 8. See venue 3, but this time with an even lower star quality. Venue 9. Colchester Correctional Training centre. Now this ladies and gentlemen is what a good prison (sorry correctional training centre) is all about. Making DQ's look like a comparison between sleeping in the Paris Hilton (Not in Paris Hilton you understand) and the third bench along the wall in old Portsmouth. Those Percy chaps really knew how to treat a guy, with all orders given in a polite, concise but commanding manner. A little like Seadog organising the invasion of goose green, or maybe retaking the C&A thread. The food was excellent, the staff congenial and the cell (sorry room) for company A detainees (not prisoners )are well up on the star rating. Not a good experience but hey ho its the Hilton as far as my ratings go. The poster is grateful to be able to report that apart from a couple of minor backslides since I was "corrected" I have led a good and responsible life and have only seen the inside of a cell on two occasions since. The second and last time was when I physically objected to a neighbour who thought hitting nine year old girls was acceptable. I took umbrage and was about to explain the errors of his way when he attacked me. After he regained consciousness, he very foolishly pressed charges against me for GBH. I appeared before a magistrates court and after explaining that I was about to part him from his breath for his deeds, he indeed attacked me and so became the aggressor. It then became self defence and as such I was entitled to defend myself. This argument was accepted and I was discharged. He however was charged with assault, and making a false statement to the police. He no longer sends me Christmas cards and I am absolutely gutted by this turn of events. Now I know all you innocents will have spent time incarcerated even if you were of course innocent and discharged. So how about rating your hotels.