Enormous, elaborate and devious masterplan required.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by guestm, May 23, 2011.

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  1. Last thursday after a particularly painful week I decided that I would get monumentally clown trousered in the bar in order to vent some pent up childishness. Being that I don't tend to do things by halves I went blind at about 2000 and have no recollection of what may or may not have ensued.

    I awoke on Friday morning happy that due to the fact I had acquired an inconcievably hideous hangover, a pushbike, a dress and sink full of piss that the night had satisfied all my requirements.

    Dissapointingly, upon turning to I was then hauled in front of my superiors and informed that there had been 8 separate complaints filed in the mess the previous evening. One of which involved me being naked and sat on the chest of a Sub-Lieutenant administering a beating. This, I'm sure you are aware, is not good.

    So, after numerous apologies I proceeded weekend thinking no further of it.

    However, upon checking JPA today I noticed an assignment order. "Oooh, what's this?" I thought. Well, I'll tell you what it was. It was a fucking draft to Culdrose.

    So my fellow RR's, I am in urgent need of a monumentally cunning plan to escape the ordeal of 3 years in the anus of Britain. And I need it by Friday. As I am out on the lash in 45 minutes I neither have the time nor the arsedness to come up with one myself so would appreciate it, much like how I've got by in my career so far, if someone else would do all the work for me.

    I need your plans, and I need them to result in me keeping my job, rate, pay and preferably my freedom.

    I need you all like I never have before. Help me.

    For the love of god, help me.
  2. Phone up drafty and tell him you intend to commit genocide against emmits, and that Kernow's economy will collapse if he sends you there?

    Phone up drafty and tell him you've got those photo's from last years Pickle night, and if he doesn't send you first preference, you'll be forced to take out a super-injunction about them and then leak them to twitter?

    Volunteer for Afg?

    Volunteer for MWS Collingwood?
  3. I have tried volunteering for every other draft in the known universe but have been told in no uncertain terms that it is Culdrose, end of. I do like plans one and two though.

    Incidentally, I have previous down there from 2001 also, so I'm pretty sure the welcome will be about as warm as Tommy Robinson nipping round to the Baitul Futuh mosque for a chat about selling some tasteful merchandise.
  4. Purple_twiglet

    Purple_twiglet War Hero Moderator

    Volunteer for Faslane?

    Volunteer for Porton Down?

    Let slip that the 'crimes against humanity' brigade haven't forgiven you for the last time you were in that neck of the woods and that you have still got an indictment for Kernow Genocide?
  5. Ageing_Gracefully

    Ageing_Gracefully War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Enjoy your time at Culdrose. Sounds like you thoroughly deserve it.

    The question is though, does Culdrose deserve a cunt like you?

    Maybe a miracle will occur while you are there and you will either learn how to handle your drink or go temperance! :)
  6. Quite how have you fucked off drafty that much? Did he catch his 15 year old son noshing you off or something?
  7. A less than credible cover story for your true destination after providing STC support for a certain recent Black Op:However, your secret is safe with me. Trust me, I'm a diver. I can lend you a wetsuit but you'll have to provide your own facial disguise. Hope you like fish.
  8. Silence fuckstick, or you'll be next for a naked shoeing. You'd be engorged and nacked all at once. Necking a bottle of lamb's in 30 minutes is for winners and also makes you hard and clever.

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    • Like Like x 1
  9. 'Hands to Filing Stations'
  10. Underpants on head and two pencils!!

  11. I have a very special way of leading you away from any disaster, straight into a catastrophe.
    Asking me for advice on how to escape punishment, is like asking the pope how to goose step......oh hang on a minute, bad example.8-O
  12. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker War Hero Moderator

    Confess to accidentally smoking crack-cocaine at the weekend - guaranteed to stop that unwanted draft order.

    Of course, there may well be some other consequences here & there, but we're talking a draft to Cornwall here.
  13. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    From what i can see you've done nothing wrong. I take it from your post that Culdrose is a fucking shithole?
  14. Who said drafty hasn't got a sense of humour.The virgins of Newquay will be wetting themselves in anticipation.
  15. Guns

    Guns War Hero Moderator

    Could be worse, could be Faslane.
  16. ========================================


    Appear frightfully overjoyed with this splendid piece of good news and bore everyone and his dog by telling them all how much you are looking forward to it.

    .......Chances are that someone will then cruelly & spitefully cancel it.

  17. ?? Somehow I don't think so.................

  18. I agree with Bob, let everyone know (especially your DO) that it's precisely the draft you've been angling to get on the quiet and that your chuffed you've finally got one over on Drafty.

    Bet you a fiver it's all change by thursday.

    Failing that tell him you've already got a pointy head and 6 web fingers per hand.

    edited to add forget all that Monty, they're expecting you
    Last edited: May 23, 2011
  19. Slight thread wobble. Was talking to an old and bold killick about our previous respective drafts to NI. We were there at the same time but didn't meet. Him on a boat and me shoreside. He reckons that he got that draft after taking a certain phone call whilst at his previous draft, he couldn't hear the person on the other end so shouted out "will you lot shut up, I've got some cnut on the phone and I can't hear them". That "cnut" was a PO wren writer at Drafty. Now there could well be just a coincidence here ...
  20. Much too late ~MLP. I have put this case before the Helston Flora Committee, to a man they have endorsed your application to be the lead dancer in next years Furry Dance. As you can see by the videos they have become boring and rather routine.
    helston furry dance - Google Search

    As a class act you have been selected, they've never had someone who can dance, follow through and still remain on his feet. (Except that chap David Charlton, but he's still in Strangeways. and now in a wheelchair).
    Last edited: May 23, 2011

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