Engaging the Brain.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Blackrat, May 30, 2013.

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  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    I am clearly not alone in this. You know what i mean, when you should have had a bit of a think before you've either said or done something. I've probably put my foot in my mouth more than a gathering of new born babies that are hungry.

    I remember once showing a sprog around the Squadron. While walking across the sports field, the Adjutant rode by on a bike, wearing civvies. Now the sprog, who had not long ago been with the Adj sorting some shit or the other out, cracked off a superb salute. "Easy tiger" i said, "You don't have to salute the fucker". I then heard the screech of brakes as the Adj came to a halt. "So, i'm a fucker am i?" he said between gritted teeth.

    Another time is when i was in the NAAFI heavily on the piss one Monday evening. On Mondays, they would have bingo. Now the guy from HQ Squadron who ran this oddly popular pastime was ill, so someone asked a very drunk Blackrat if he would oblige doing the bingo calling. Now i didn't have a clue about all this clickety click up your arse bollocks, so decided to make it up. It went something like this;

    "On it's own because it's a no mates shitcunt - Four"
    "Two fat NAAFI slags - Eighty eight"
    "Five and seven - twelve"

    A riot nearly ensued. So much so, the Orderly Officer was called to the pigs bar to calm things down. After promising to behave and to call the numbers correctly, the OO moved to the back of the NAAFI when low and behold, he hears over the microphone;

    "Number of blokes queuing up to bum the cunt of an Orderly Officer because he's a bandit - sixty two". A not so pleasant night in the guardroom followed.

    As for doing things without engaging my brain, i was working on the battery bank in the back of a land rover when i thought it would be a good idea to drop the adjustable spanner over the positive and negative terminals. The resulting spark and bang not only scared the shit out of me, but ensured my pockets were considerably lighter for busting MoD property through being a twat..

    Anyone else display such fuckwittery which can, quite frankly, be avoided?
    Last edited: May 30, 2013
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  2. I can actually remember the very first time I ever, ever spoke without engaging brain. I was about 7 or 8 years old and in our school you had to queue up to pay the headmaster your dinner money every monday morning. I had recently sat up with my elder brothers and sisters and watched "The Comic Strip Presents: A fistfull of travellers cheques" Which had a great impression on me, so much so that my siblings and I had memorised pretty much the entire dialogue.

    Thinking I was funny, when it came my turn to pay I told the headmaster, Mr Graham "I've already paid you". When he quite rightly pointed out that I had not, I then responded with "Are you calling me a liar?" he got a bit miffed and said no but I haven't paid. Again I asked him "Are you calling me a liar?" Again, correctly he said "Ok, yes I am". This was exactly what I was hoping for and countered in my best Peter Richardson voice: "Well then, you're going to die."

    I got absolutely fucking reamed, sent home for a week and double fucked over by the parents too. I kept my comic strip quotes out of school after that.
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  3. Whilst working in a previous job, the Commander had a great initiative that had recently been implemented. It was quite a complex process that he had put in place and had spent many months ensuring that it would go smoothly. However, we at the coal face only saw the aspect of it that affected us. On a visit to the office he piped up with "how's the new process going then chaps". Well, as he was the approachable type and I thought that he wanted an honest answer, I told him that "it's shit sir, and not working very well". Needless to say I was rebriefed. Moral of the story, Don't ask a question unless you are prepared for the answer that might not be to your liking, Sir. Oh how we laughed in the pub that night.
    Last edited: May 31, 2013
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  4. 2 steaks

    No 4 steaks

    No 8 steaks

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  5. While on a sleek black messenger of death, the young BoxKicker was in his watchkeeping position on the planes (driving the boat). We were doing evasion drills, and it was a ball buster. Well the boat was doing speed "fuck me" coming up from depth "are you kidding me", with a harry dummy load attempting to put a ding in our nice Submarine. So on receiving the order to steer ***, 8 up, keep ** mtrs, this is what i was trying to achive, i missed by *mtr and heard a voice from the back of the control room stating that my efforts were not very good.So without thinking i voiced "if you can do any better, you come and fucking sit here". When my relief turned up i was informed to go visit the CO' cabin. DOH!
  6. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    You would think that i would get used to disappointment seeing as so much goes wrong in my life because of saying and doing the wrong thing. For example; I send Rachelthree a cock shot and she says "Is that it? Just let me know when you put it in so i know when to make the appropriate noises" or when i asked LaurenMac to send me a picture of her muff and she sent me a picture of a Victorian hand warmer. It's like when the misses says "Do i look ok in this dress?" and you say "No". You're fucking dead. A bit like this next dit.

    I had tapped off with a girl who i had been flirting with off and on for months. We ended up around her place after a night on the piss, which was in the middle of nowhere. When we got into her gaff, we wasted no time in getting each others kit off. Now back then, i was a lean mean ripped machine. You could play skiffle on my abs. She had her hands all over me and little Blackrat was standing on the tips of his toes, the filthy one eyed fucker. I was equally impressed with what i saw, one thing being she had a shaved flange. This was not that common in the mid nineties so i was looking forward to exploring this particular avenue as it were. Being the perfect gentleman, i considered it in honour in going down and flicking her bean with my tongue until it quivered like a guitar string. While i was down there, she decided to ask me a few questions.

    Her - "Are you enjoying that?"
    Me - "Mmmm Hmmmmm"
    Her - "I can tell. It's like being nibbled by a squirrel. It's smooth isn't it?"
    Me - Mmmmm Hmmmmm. It's like licking a fish."

    The temperature dropped around ten degress in two seconds. I meant her VW beetle bonnet was nice and smooth. She thought i meant she had a tang about her. She clenched her mooey so tight, i nearly lost my fucking tongue. I could hear little Blackrat, who was looking forward to sticking his head in the tunnel and being shaken till he was sick, shouting "You utter, utter fuckwit". It took all my powers of persuation to talk her round to finishing off the deed.

    She then kicked me out, in the middle of fucking nowhere. It took me three hours to get home. Never, ever compare a shaved clam to a fish. It's the wrong comparison to use.
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  7. Several years ago, I had just returned from France with me lorry and as the beer over there is shite and I'd been away for 2 weeks I nipped in the local for a pint on my way home.It was about 2pm and on entering the pub it dawned on me that it was rather full and the customers had obviously just returned from a funeral. I quietly asked a lad I knew who had died and he said "Old Wilf". Now Wilf was a legend in the village, Aged around 60, he was always working on the side, fencing, JCB driving and the like, never declaring a penny and of the opinion that drawing the dole was his God given right. Of course he always had the price of a pint in his pocket and was a legedary piss artist. I noticed his daughter sat at the bar and went to offer my condolences.I said "Sorry to her about Dad, Katie, when did he die?". She replied "Last Thursday about ten o'clock". Like a right pillock I said, " Oh, he had time time to cash his Giro then". The whole pub fell silent, but without batting an eyelid Katie replied, "No he was too ill, Mum had to cash it!"
  8. When I was a killick greenie I was i/c of the main battery, I'd flown home from Gib for leave and rejoined the boat back in Gib 2 weeks later courtesy of the original budget airline Dan Air. Unbeknown to me the skipper had done rounds and picked the battery up as a shit tip with a rescrub but no bastard told me this until the day before the re-scrub and we'd sailed by then.

    I spent all night down the battery scrubbing out and was ready for the skipper to come down for the re-scrub. Those on here who've had an S boat will know the battery hatch is down the bomb shop and 10 minutes before the skipper was due down the OA's had a major hydraulic leak just as the boat took on a bow up for a return to periscope depth, consequently the oil all poured down the battery hatch (which is at the rear of the bomb shop), hydraulic oil and 55 ton of lead acid battery don't mix too well so I grabbed a bale of rags and crawled back down the battery trying to mop up as much oil as possible.

    As I was laying across the battery top a voice said "is it ready for rounds", without thinking I shouted back "does it fucking look like it, you dickhead". All went quiet so I stuck my head out of the hatch to see the skipper storming out the bomb shop and the DMEO with a head that looked like a red balloon about to explode.

    Anyway, after my interview with no coffee from the DMEO, Jimmy, Skipper and Chief Tiff (one at a time I hasten to add) I earnt the write up "tendency for untimely flippant remarks"..I was quite proud of that TBH.

    I was also told I would never get my PO's, they were wrong but I nearly cocked that up with another "untimely flippant remark" but that's another story.
  9. Not me but perhaps the greatest thing ive ever witnessed. Battle PT half the platoon is doubling across the field, the other half are being carried by us. The platoon commander is running in the middle of the pack carrying one of our corporals, he tries to push to the front,sending us flying everywhere, we all know hes there, but one Irish lad looses his rag and kicks him right in the bollocks the PC stumbles and we scatter like startled pidgeons leaving the culprit to make his excuses "aahhh fuck oi dint mean thah suor". which was shortly followed by COOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRPORAAAAAAAAALLL MARCH THIS... LITTLE BASTARD AWAY.
  10. Returning back on board one of HM War canoes alongside St Angelo in the halycon days of Malta actually being a half decent run ashore! Having spent the majority of the evening in bars various up and down The Gut then catching a Dghajsa back across the harbour having stopped for a steak sarnie on the way ... bouncing back up the gangway (side to side) the OOD is lurking at the top of the gangway comes up with ... "And where have you been????" "Ashore! Any more stupid questions????" ... QM spits half his tea over the desk and big grin on Bosuns Mate's face ... even the Cdr laughed about it at the table!

    3 days later said OOD gets summoned to Sick Bay ... curiously out of date for an armful of injections ... funny that!
  11. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    After a very long day at work I walked out of the office to my car, only to discover that some friendly bird - the winged variety - had done an enormous poop on my windscreen, right in the middle of my field of vision.

    I had nothing in the car to clean it off with - no water, no tissues, no scraper, nothing. But I couldn't have driven off, I wouldn't have been able to see anything. So I cleaned it off with my hand... :oops:

    Then, I reached into my pocket for my car keys. As I pulled them out, I had a bizarre moment of brain-fade and thought, "What's that all over my hand?" So I cheerfully licked my hand.

    And then, of course, realised exactly what it was. And then immediately commenced with hacking, gagging and spitting to try and get the bird poop out of my mouth.

    I am an idiot.
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2013
  12. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    HMS xxxx, early 90s, alongside FLJ. QM on the Gangway, acting as Duty Social Worker, taking shore calls from demented grippos, asking to speak to lads on board - the same lads who didn't want to speak to the aforementioned special needs cases (in case they weren't their wives/girlfriends) and avoided taking the call - this was in the days before mobile phones and email...

    Anyway, we received a call from one particular female asking to speak with Steward xxxxxx. Now this guy was cracking: heart of gold, a good laugh, but thicker than a Gurkha's foreskin. I piped over Main Broadcast: "Std xxxxxx, shore call, Gangway" and left the 'phone receiver off the hook, on the edge of the phone/alarm/broadcast panel.

    A few minutes later, xxxxxx appeared around the corner of the Hangar; I nodded to the panel hanging up just inside the Hangar next to the caboosh and continued reading the three-week old and rather sticky copy of "Sunday Sport" that I had found in the QM's desk.

    I heard the familiar crackle of the Main Broadcast pressel switch being engaged but ignored it, assuming it was HQ1 trying to wake up the on watch Duty WE Roundsman. Suddenly, I hear the unique dulcet Brummie tones of Std xxxxxx speaking the whole Ship and the surrounding dockyard within ear shot: "Hello, darling. I've been missing you this week..."
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  13. AAF

    AAF Badgeman

    Welcome to the club Sarge.
  14. When I was a kid, showing off to my dad my new-found knowledge of cars, (I'd just discovered they had gears and clutches and stuff), I asked what I thought was an intelligent and searching question.

    "Dad, what's the best gear for reversing?"
  15. ;-P How long have you got.too many to list but here are a couple of classics H.M.Prison Long Lartin in my smoking days ,on the Dog Section We had accumulated a large pile of fag ends outside the kitchen window of the stand down kennels .The Governor was having an ad hoc inspection and homed in on them spitting fire. "Mr James whose are all these fag ends?" " I said it,All yours Gov you saw them first" Gov has big sense of humour failure . When I was trucking I stopped on occasion at transport digs in Birkenhead kept by my namesakes, the husband Bill was a wholesale butcher and a great piss artist. I turned up one night and greeted the landlady " Hi Mrs James hows Bill still necking it down him the old goat.?"A sudden silence then she said."We cremated him yesterday." I prayed for the ground to open.=(

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