Just a couple of good moments that you would like to share for a laugh. If it makes you feel better you can tell something that happend to a 'friend' and i won't asume it was you to save your embarassment .
Some years ago, I was running late to open a shop. Dashing out of my house I ran full pelt into town, and frantically unlocked the front door to be met by an important customer. Only then did I realise that I had run through town on market day with my dick hanging out of my flies. The customer was a gent and barely cracked a smile. I bet the bastard ate out on the story for a month.
A while back, whilst on holiday with my ex we were having a swim in the pool and no one was around. So there we are starkers when a bus full of new holiday makers turn up, the ex swims off and goes back to the appartment, with my shorts. The apartment is a good 5 minutes away. I am stranded with no towel or swim shorts and forced to get out and leg it. I slipped on the wet poolside and had a coach load of foriegners trying to help whilst pissing themselves at me.
Once when I pancaked myself coming from the rain into a pedestrian walk area at a council scheme shopping area on my bike. Epic level of slammage.
Once when I recalled the Family Guy episode with the Cookie monster in it shouting "YOU GUYS ARE FREAKIN NAZIS MAN". At the German fair.
Once when I was calling a late workmate a stinky fcuker and he was actually 2 steps behind me.
Once sitting next to the hottest girl imaginable in the cinema with a suitably slouched position, one foot on the chair in front. Loud action sequence turns into a silent scene as I rip an almighty 2 second butt muffin.
When I was 19 I came on leave to Tamworth for the first time as my folks had moved here whilst I was out the Far flung.
It not exactly being a throbbing metropolis, I went over to Sutton Coldfield
to meet a stoker who lived there. He was just a ship mate and not really a close oppo.
He took me home at closing time as I could not drive being well oiled.
He crashed out and I went for a walk in Sutton's huge park, with his mum and their dog. Cut a long story short I trapped his mum and started seeing her as much as I could on the QT.
I had 56 days leave, so after about 3 weeks I went out with an oppo who had come from Shrewsbury, and another who lived in Wolverhampton.
We were in Tamworth and bored out of our heads, so grabbed some cheap booze and decided we could go up my drum and get pissed in the granny flat that was part of the oldies house.
When we gets up homers, my old man who was a big wig in the oil industry is having a dinner party,and his main guest was one of his underlings and the family. Sitting at the table was the wife of said bod, my sugar mummy.
She went about thirty shades of red, I just went scarlet.
My sister, brother in-law, their 2 kids, and mum & dad were going on an all inclusive holiday in Ibiza last summer. I was like Kevin the teenage kid (but only in my 30's). Staying in the In hotel were 3 single men along with their kids, all from Essex. I was doing my best to stay away from them and not get drawn. I done a good job of this until the 3rd day when I could resist no longer and ended up on the ale with them around 1pm. After a couple of hours drinking and my scouse accent rising to a pitch that only cats and dogs could here, I though it would be a good idea to start have bombing competitions into the pool. The men were rather keen on this idea, and so were the kids. After getting told off by the pool attendant for being too dangerous, we stopped! We carried on drinking until the sun went down, and I arranged to meet them that night to go night clubbing. I remember walking down the road with them 'making' them all singe Kate Bush songs (I think they were too scared not to). Then we hit the first bar we came to, and some smart arse though it was a good idea to get on the Sambuca, and I though it was a good idea to start lighting fire to my fingers, at one point I even tried to light fire to my own tongue. I can't remember much after this, but I think I was doing the caterpillar on the dance floor. After this I apparently couldn't stand up. I fell off the stool, and lost all use of my legs. It was around this time I lost all use of my bodily functions, but I've done a good job of blocking this from my memory so I'll carry on...It was about a mile walk home, and one of the men had to carry me the whole way home. When we got back to the hotel, I forgot what room I was staying in (apparently) so had to sleep in the fellas room who carried me home. I woke up wearing my jeans and an Essex Boy t-shirt hugging his 13 year old daughter. It would have been a lot safer for them and their children if they'd have just left me alone with my family. And I could have came home from the holiday unscathed!!
The first thing I bought after Raleigh was a shitty little 50cc moped that I could ride aged 16. I remember on one of my first leave periods I went back to my old Air Cadet unit (yeah I was in the Air Cadets, what of it?) to say hi to everyone. At the time I was a bit of a hero, or so I thought, 16, in the mob with loads of cash and Raleigh dits. I had a motorbike and I was shagging the divsest bird from my school year etc. etc.
Anyway all the cadets were lined up waiting for parade and I came round the corner like a returning hero. I revved up my bike and rode full pelt into the parade square executing a massive skid in order to show how cool I was. Unfortunately I dropped the bike and slid on my arse along the parade square landing at the feet of the unit CO in front of all these kids who idolised me (or so I thought).
I picked up my battered bike and rode off as the kids laughed at me. Not long after that the divs girl dumped me and I turned to drink. My life has been shit ever since.
I was staying with a oppo for a weekend and we had been out had
big eats, anyway off I goes to the spare room and on the radiator
is a pair of his mrs's knickers (she was the essence) anyway I was
knocking one of the wrist and she comes in, with another pillow.
Heres me pork sword in one hand her undies inthe other well to
say was mortified was would be the understatment of the year
Wearing low hipster flairs, and a waistline T shirt( no length) nothing in my hands, but plenty in my head. Yup on the way home on a crowded bus with a head full of very, very, very recent memories of rampant sex and the promise of more to come in about a couple of hours.
Fcukin hard on the size of baby's arm and NO HIDING PLACE.
Delivering central heating to a holding space in Bury, the engineer has a store room off a busy factory full of northern factory girls.
As I'm going through with the last lot of gear, (there has been mega patter going on all the time I'm unloading) the bastards grab me off with my trolleys and start w*nking me off. Now on a one two or even three to one basis, OK, but with about thirty of them
aged between 16/60 fcukinn hell it was horrific. Took about twenty Min's to hurl cocoa. :roll:
And no phone number or fag afterwards.
8O Stan Bosuns mate on the Cherry B in 75 in the basin getting repaired after major engine room fire, living in DRAKE Friday morning came off the morning watch couldn't go back to my scratcher because of rounds so me and the QM decide to fcuk off to the Avondale for a DTS (blank week as well) order a couple of pints both of us in rig when I pop 50p into the bandit fooking thing kept spitting out all this dosh so we went on the rum.
Can't remember getting back to my pit in Drake but woke up bollocky buff in the NAAFI automat having gone walkies I ran the wrong way back through the shop all the ladies screaming at me for being a perv all I got on is my flip flops then I hear the whistles blowing from the barrack guard so I make billy big steps back to Grenville Block woke up in the bath freezing me bollocks off but escaped the Crushers - thought I'd dreamt it till I went for scran that night and every fcuker stood up and clapped. Just wish I had a big cock wouldn't have been half as embarrasing
Absolutely twunted on a night out at Uni in a nightclub. Felt a hefty beerfart coming on. As this was back in the good old days when you could still smoke in clubs/pubs I had no qualms about letting one off. Sadly this resulted in a devastating shart (shit-fart for those not in the know) and me sprinting to the toilet to do damage limitation before anyone noticed. Ended up having to hide my ruined boxers in the back of the club toilet only for my friends (the depraved shower of bastards) to immediately guess what had happened. Luckily enough one of them ended doing a full grand slam the term after diverting the attention nicely. :lol:
Once when i was riding my bike fast through a shopping centre and tryed to get through the automatic doors. Panic ensued when they started to close and i didnt have enough time to stop. Only my front wheel got through and my shoulders were aching for weeks.
BBQ at mates house, me wearing only T-shirt and white footy shorts had already been in the boozer for a DTS ( Mrs Stirling Mk 1 NOT amused ) and was doing my best to drink as many cans and scoff as much scran as I could before heading home for a bit of shuteye before the evening shesh.
Met another mate on the way home and went back to the pub, combination of all day drinking and half cooked bangers and such finally took its toll, about a pint of shite straight onto the floor of pub.
Ran home and showered and changed making it back to boozer for last orders, wifey never spoke to me next day miserable cow.