Elf and Safety Herberts.....


Lantern Swinger
If Nelson was at Trafalgar in 2012...

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy:"Aye, aye sir."

Nelson:"Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags.What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy:"Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud):“England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy:"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson:"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy:"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson:"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy:"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson:"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy:"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson:"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy:"That won't be possible, sir."


Hardy:"Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson:"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy:"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson:"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy:"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson:"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy:"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson:"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy:"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson:"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy:"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson:"What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy:"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson:"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy:"Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson:"We're not?"

Hardy:"No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson:"But you must hate every Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy:"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson:"You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy:"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson:"Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy:As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson:"What about sodomy?"

Hardy:"I believe that has now become legal, sir."

Nelson:"Well blow me, Hardy."

Hardy:"Hope you washed your bell end this morning sir,"..................


War Hero
Book Reviewer
If Nelson was at Trafalgar in 2012...

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy:"What signal you stupid ****? We haven't got any ships."

Nelson: "So what are we on then?"

Hardy: "HMS Pedalo. Cutbacks mate. Cutbacks"

Nelson: "**** my luck. Fancy a bum?"

Hardy: "Oh go on then."

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