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Easy/Bites!

Baby chef fresh out of training, killick chef to baby put a fork in the sausages yes you’ve guessed it every sausage had a fork in it, took place in Faslane I think.
 
"Right, breakfast for 70, only half will eat it, and half of those (call it 18 ) will have a boiled egg.......... so, 18 eggs, 5 mins each, put them all in for 90 mins" (Yeah, reeks of dits. Good though)
 
On Invincible's Daily Orders a few years ago, a baby OM was congratulated on being able to hear the traffic in the channel tunnel by listening to a stethascope through the bottom of the hull :D

My favorite bite, which works surprisingly often is money changing in Rosyth & Gib, even had a CPOMA on that one!
 
clanky said:
Best gash pipe?

"The person knowing the whereabouts of the Buffer's test tackles, report to the CBM store"

On a similar theme. 0640 "Ye Hear there-Five minutes to call the hands"
 
Nutty said:
"Chef what's for dinner?"
"Three choices"
"What?"
"Take it, Leave it or Wear it"

Another service to a stakeholder

Nutty

I'm spotting a theme here to do with the cookery branch. One of our chefs on the Carron in the 10MCM days decided to have a no swearing day; all was going well, until one of our JR muppets, returned his plate and cutlery to the galley serving hatch with the comment, "Lovely scran *******, what's for duff?" The answer when it came was 1/2lb of butter on a ballistic trajectory from galley to JR Mess accompanied with a screamed "Duff? We don't have fukcing duff at breakfast time - ahhhh siht, now you've made me swear!".
 
On the Carron (CA destroyer) we were doing navigational training around the British isles before returning to Pompey for a minor refit and as we usually anchored overnight we got used to being wakened at around six each morning with the pipe “Clear lower deck, and everyone off watch was expected to turn out to hoist the 3 in one waler after it returned with the mail, and for three weeks that was how our day started.
A couple of days after we got back to Pompey we were woken by the usual pipe “Clear lower deck, man the seaboats falls,†so bleary eyed we staggered out of our pits and lined up along the upper deck next to the seaboat davits

We were in fcukin dry dock.

…………
 
When I was a YO in an (Exocet-fitted!) Type 22 in the late 1990s, the entire ship was in on a bite for one of the other YOs about the dire news that the "Bug" had escaped from the Aft Sewage Treatment Plant (STP). The XO wrote an XTM detailing the Midshipman as OiC of the "Bug Intensive Training Evolution" (work out the acronym!) and she spent 3 hours crawling around the ship in overalls, her respirator and those big NBCD rubber gloves.

Eventually, when we could laugh no more, she was directed to the SCC where someone had "spotted" something. She gently peered under the HQ1 watchkeeper's position and out "jumped" (actually pulled out on a bit of cotton) a rubber spider covered in glued-on pubes (ugh!). She ran all the way down 2 deck screaming!

I don't think she ever forgave anyone for it.
 
In an URNU boat coming into London - one middie got detailed to stand by on the fo'c'sle with some change to pay the toll at the Thames barrier.
 
geoffrey said:
When I was a YO in an (Exocet-fitted!) Type 22 in the late 1990s, the entire ship was in on a bite for one of the other YOs about the dire news that the "Bug" had escaped from the Aft Sewage Treatment Plant (STP). The XO wrote an XTM detailing the Midshipman as OiC of the "Bug Intensive Training Evolution" (work out the acronym!) and she spent 3 hours crawling around the ship in overalls, her respirator and those big NBCD rubber gloves.

Eventually, when we could laugh no more, she was directed to the SCC where someone had "spotted" something. She gently peered under the HQ1 watchkeeper's position and out "jumped" (actually pulled out on a bit of cotton) a rubber spider covered in glued-on pubes (ugh!). She ran all the way down 2 deck screaming!

I don't think she ever forgave anyone for it.

Lovely one! Had a Killick Dusty in Pemboke (Shore Base) who had a spider on a cotton hanging over the front door to the office. Took great delight in dropping it onto sprog Jennies.
Did it one day to a Jenny One ringer - boy, did she verbally ream him !! :lol:
Didn't stip him doing it though...
 
Had a conversation with a chef once....

Me: "How long can you keep chicken in the freezer?"

CH: "It depends on the freezer, it's normally three months"

Me: "Really? I put one in mine last night and it was dead this morning."

CH: "Doh!"
 
One I almost fell for when young and foolish was the Bosun sending myself and the other 3 gadgets to break out the crane to lift a 10 tonne shackle in place. One of our number did twig about 2 seconds after we'd walked off that a 10t shackle didn't actually weigh 10 tonnes.
 

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