Early warning for BY

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by janner, Feb 22, 2007.

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  1. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer


    A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of

    In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
    Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
    of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
    following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)

    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
    amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
    skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix
    -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
    acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
    such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
    communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
    Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
    lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

    6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
    to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
    you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
    your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
    driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
    metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
    Both roundabouts and metriccation will help you understand the British
    sense of humour.

    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
    calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
    are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
    are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
    fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
    at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer,
    and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
    to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
    Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
    guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
    characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
    Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
    removed with a cheese grater.

    13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
    proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
    football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
    wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
    event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
    America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
    beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

    15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
    due (backdated to 1776).

    17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
    mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in

    John Cleese
  2. Proper British food will also need to be introduced. Have you ever tried to get a goos chicken tikka masala in the states and trying to get a donna kebab past midnight when you p**sed as a frt on good Brirtish ale is downright impossible.!!!!1
  3. As an ashamed American citizen, can I be the first to agree to this plan?
  4. Very very good idea.
  5. Frankly I can see why you cannot get a donna kebab past midnight when drinking American Beer, as the chances of getting, as you put it "as p**sed as a frt" are practically zero especially if you have trained on proper English Bitter.
  6. Very funny. Have just copied and emailed to my Sister and Brother in law
    who are resident in Florida.
    Am now sat back in my bunker awaiting incoming!

  7. Just as well that you didn't copy & email to George W then with his intellect you really would need to got to the bunker :smile:
  8. Nice one Janner :D
  9. silverfox

    silverfox War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    pride of place on my notice board....

    I also have my spell check set to UK English and its driving them mad.....
  10. Excellent!! :grin: :grin:
  11. Nice

    Instead of turning George W into a water dispenser (or some other inanimate object), perhaps you should keep him around part-time to sniff Tony Blair's bum when he's feeling depressed or unsure. Blair would probably appreciate the role-reversal.
  12. I'll go along with you on the beer part. I generaly drink Guiness or John Jamieson, anyway.
    I don't own a gun, nor do I feel the need to.
    Just can't agree with Soccer, though. I find it to be about as exciting as a cold cup of coffee. At least our Football fans don't start disembowling one another as part of the post-game festivities.
    The only German car I ever owned (Volkswagen Sirrocco), was a piece of sh*t, but much better than the British one (Triumph TR7) :wink: It was a convertible, that converted itself into a pile of leaky, broken, vaguely recognisable auto parts the day I drove it off the lot.
    I'll stick with my Ford Focus, if it's all the same to you (of course the only thing American about it is the name badge).

    So, in closing, I'm not sure if I will qualify as a model citizen of this brave, New Republic, but, I'm a firm believer in going along to get along.
    Please give Texas back to Mexico, and tell them they should have fought harder in the first place.

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