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Early warning for BY


Book Reviewer

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix
-ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metriccation will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in

John Cleese


Lantern Swinger
Proper British food will also need to be introduced. Have you ever tried to get a goos chicken tikka masala in the states and trying to get a donna kebab past midnight when you p**sed as a frt on good Brirtish ale is downright impossible.!!!!1


War Hero
Frankly I can see why you cannot get a donna kebab past midnight when drinking American Beer, as the chances of getting, as you put it "as p**sed as a frt" are practically zero especially if you have trained on proper English Bitter.


War Hero
Very funny. Have just copied and emailed to my Sister and Brother in law
who are resident in Florida.
Am now sat back in my bunker awaiting incoming!



War Hero
2badge_mango said:
Very funny. Have just copied and emailed to my Sister and Brother in law
who are resident in Florida.
Am now sat back in my bunker awaiting incoming!


Just as well that you didn't copy & email to George W then with his intellect you really would need to got to the bunker :smile:


War Hero
Book Reviewer
pride of place on my notice board....

I also have my spell check set to UK English and its driving them mad.....



Instead of turning George W into a water dispenser (or some other inanimate object), perhaps you should keep him around part-time to sniff Tony Blair's bum when he's feeling depressed or unsure. Blair would probably appreciate the role-reversal.
I'll go along with you on the beer part. I generaly drink Guiness or John Jamieson, anyway.
I don't own a gun, nor do I feel the need to.
Just can't agree with Soccer, though. I find it to be about as exciting as a cold cup of coffee. At least our Football fans don't start disembowling one another as part of the post-game festivities.
The only German car I ever owned (Volkswagen Sirrocco), was a piece of sh*t, but much better than the British one (Triumph TR7) :wink: It was a convertible, that converted itself into a pile of leaky, broken, vaguely recognisable auto parts the day I drove it off the lot.
I'll stick with my Ford Focus, if it's all the same to you (of course the only thing American about it is the name badge).

So, in closing, I'm not sure if I will qualify as a model citizen of this brave, New Republic, but, I'm a firm believer in going along to get along.
Please give Texas back to Mexico, and tell them they should have fought harder in the first place.
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