Drinks with Names


War Hero
Book Reviewer
So the "Share a Coke" marketing campaign by Coca-Cola, in which they put the 250 most popular names in the on their bottles (but not Mohammed, which is the most popular boy's name in the UK, apparently), was matched by Pepsi - providing your name is Max.

Now it seems another of the UK's popular drinks has jumped on the bandwagon, with the 150 top tramps' names:

Carlsberg's CEO, Fred Rumskin, told the New Age Man that after observing the way people reacted to seeing their names written on inanimate plastic Coke bottles, he knew it was too good of an opportunity to pass up on. He commented: "Coca-Cola have basically said '**** spending any money on marketing, lets just get a shit load of people called Sarah and John to do it all for us'. And the Sarahs and Johns of this world are more than happy to oblige by uploading a photo of a bottle of Coke to Facebook every time they see one that's got their boring name on it."

He went on: "At this rate, they'll be able to do away with their entire multi-billion pound marketing budget and just spend it all on cocaine and prostitutes. And there is no ****ing way I am missing out on cocaine and prostitutes."

Carlsberg's marketing scheme will be quite similar to Coca-Cola's with a slight twist: "Basically, we will be putting loads of popular tramps' names on cans of Special Brew so that they can upload photos of themselves to Instagram with their iPhones" commented Mr Rumskin. He told the New Age Man that the tramps' names that will feature include 'Terry the Tramp', 'One Eyed Eileen' and 'Gammy Legged Gary'.

Upon hearing about the 'Share a Special Brew' campaign, one tramp commented: "Share a Special Brew? Are you having a ****ing giggle mate?"

We spoke to Michael Davidson, Professor of Psychology at the University of Wolverhampton, to get an insight into why Coca-Cola's marketing technique has been so effective. He said: "People just love the sight of their own name. Honestly, if a serial killer wrote the name 'Chris' in blood on the forehead of a mutilated corpse, there would be queues of cunts called Chris just waiting to have their photos taken with it. Coca-Cola are playing a simple but very effective trick on the people of this country."

Peter Moore, Head of Tricks at the Institute of Trickery, commented: "Coca-Cola is quite clearly tricking people into thinking they've made individual bottles of Coke for each person in the UK, when actually they've just made shit loads of the same stuff for for people called James and Dave. I mean, if your name is Titania, you can pretty much go and get ****ed for all Coca-Cola cares."

Other companies considering putting names on their products include Durex, although they are still deliberating what sized font the name Samantha should be written in. A Durex spokesman commented: "Uploading a photo of your knob to Facebook with just 'Saman' written on it would be really embarrassing."
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