Drink - The Alibi of a Nation.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Blackrat, Apr 29, 2013.

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  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    We've all been there haven't we? You know, when you've had just a wee bit too much to drink and then have a great idea which turns out to be not so great. I've got fucking hundreds (more will be added later) but will tell you a mild one to get you going.

    Many moons ago, i was preparing for some big fuck off parade or something and was in the process of bulling my boots. An oppo of mine told me to stop being so ghey and come to the NAAFI for a couple of cheeky sherberts. It would have been the height of bad manners to refuse, so off i toddled with him to partake of one or twelve.

    Three hours later, i went back to the billet, pissed to the eyeballs, and decided it would be a wizard idea to continue with my boots. I was still in the layering stage and as the polish was drying up a bit in the tin, i decided to melt it. I applied my lighter to the polish, which went up like a NASA rocket launch. Watching it burn and bubble, it had a certain hypnotic effect on me that resulted in me falling asleep. Now forget chip pans, burning tins of Kiwi are as unpredictable as an African government. The next thing i knew, the chap i shared the room with had woken me up screaming and chucked my beer all over the tin, which spread the fire onto my bed. To put the bed out, i used my muckers duvet, which went down like the fucking Titanic with him. The room was filled with evil smelling smoke, there were burn marks everwhere and what did i do? That's right, i was sick all over my oppo's kit. All this because of the drink.

    Turns out my good idea was in fact a shit one. Feel free to contribute your howlers.
    • Like Like x 5
  2. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    You couldn't organise a piss up in a City! Oh, erm... :oops: :wink:
    • Like Like x 1
  3. A similar one to BR's. When I was on an S boat, us JR's all lived in Benbow Block in Drake when alongside. After a DTS one Sunday I was sitting on my rack feelin a little wobbly so thought I'd fill my zippo up with fuel before cracking in a few zeds before the evening sesh.

    Despite my intense concentration, to my befuddled brain the lighter fuel was all going in the lighter, not so as it transpires. When I'd completed the task I flicked the lighter on to check all was well when there was a sort of whooshing noise as my bedding, myself and the carpet went up in a sheet of flame. Fortunately they were four man messes and my drinking partners put me out but we did have to leg it as the fire alarms activated.

    Monday morning the Cox'n did rounds as usual, having heard about the fire brigade being called etc. although nothing was found (we stashed my bedding in a locker and opened all the windows before evacuating, the carpet was a rug type thing that went out of the rear windows so no evidence.)

    It was pretty obvious who had caused it all as my pit had the big burnt hole in the blankets and cover and when he came down the boat I was the only one with no eyebrows, no hair and a bright red countenance, I looked like I'd stuck my head out of a window at Hiroshima. Fortunately he took no further action and I got away with it apart from ruining a new set of jeans and a shirt. Never got my head down either but did find an excellent (but painful) way to instantly sober up.
  4. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Drink and fire go cap in hand.

    I remember sharing some brandy and whisky that was hidden in Wash & Go shampoo bottles during the first Gulf war with some muckers. We were sitting round the back of a 9x9 tent drinking and smoking. We were flinging our fags in a puddle that was by the side of the tent and the more of the soapy concoction we drank (mother hadn't cleaned them out properly - it really tasted minging), the more fags were being flung in the puddle. I then lit my fag with one of those ration pack lifeboat matches (the ones that never seem to go out) and while it was still alight, shouted "Watch my tracer!" and flicked it into the puddle.

    Turns out the puddle was petrol from a leaking jerrican. As soon as the match hit the liquid there was a massive "Woooosh" and the entire side of the fucking tent went up. I've never seen four blokes thin out so fucking quickly. I laughed so much that i had hiccups and brandy/shampoo flavoured bubbles coming out of my nose.
    • Like Like x 1
  5. I came home drunk one night, and went up to the bathroom for whatever reason, I lost my balance and went through the glass shower door smashing it against the wall and putting a nice crack in the bath. This had only been fitted 4 days before.

    I was well and truly fuckered.
  6. I don't even know where to begin...

    Damn you lambrini, vodkat and cactus jacks!
  7. During my first week of uni (the first time around) I went out in Reading to a club...drank a few to many and ended up having my g-string ripped off me on the dance floor :neutral:...then stumbled home (alone) and had to go and replace it the next day as it was part of a set.
  8. The bit of this that sickens me is that you went home alone, you filthy animal.
  9. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    When you look like her, that's hardly surprising... :pukel:
  10. Quiet...or I'll show you another picture....worse than the last one :plotting:
  11. Men are so fussy aren't they when it comes to beaver hunting!
  12. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Not really. For some, a pulse is optional.
  13. As long as you don't get trapped in a crevasse, we're sorted.

    Posted from the Navy Net mobile app (Android / iOS)
  14. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Me and a mate shitfaced in the Comedy pub - Covent Garden - sometime in the 90's. We get chatting to a couple of foreign girls. Here's what happened;

    Me - "Do i detect a bit of a Scandinavian accent there? Where are you from then? Are you Swedish?"
    Fit Girl - "Close. We're Finnish"
    My Mate - "You look a bit fattish to me love"

    *Girls exit rather sharpish*
    • Like Like x 3
  15. Splendid.....................
  16. So that's where your set went mate :laughing3:
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    This was the same friend who, when drunk;

    - Lost his keys and got stuck in a window trying to break into his house

    - Called Directory Enquiries to get a number for a takeaway and when asked "Directory Enquiries - which name please?" gave his

    - For a £10 bet, stirred a mug of hot coffee with his cock, resulting in serious burns

    Last edited: Apr 30, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  18. Hahaha I feel so young and inexperienced all my drunken stories are shit compared your lot
  19. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Try us. You may be surprised.
  20. Me and my friends where drinking by the canal (classy I know). Going for a quick wee I then continued to fall into the canal (I'm a clumsy drunk) needless to say, my dad was riding his bike home from work, and rode past me pissed as a fart in the canal young me was mortified, and left with my dad pissed, soaking and grounded, those where the days.
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