Done this a Few Times


1...Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
2...Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
3...Lager warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
4...Crossword in Sun is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
5...Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. (Partially visible when bending to get more crisps). Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
6...Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise foolproof scheme for wining lottery & sort out Newcastle’s defense problems.
7...Feel like a Demigod. Map out rest of life on back of beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you.
8..Call parents and tell them you miss them.
9...Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and that she still has a great ass; confused when she says “you said itâ€.
10...Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.
11...Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
12...Head-ache kicks in. Beck’s tastes off, send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing the out of order sign.
13...Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bar staff. Talked down by landlady, whom you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table; fail to notice oozing head wound.
14...Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.
15...Put in cab by somebody. Give barrack address. Taken there. Can't get out of cab door. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. fall over again.
16...Thank the helpful guys who are putting you into a nice room
17...Complain about the slamming of a steel door; but fall asleep before anyone answers
18...Awake some hour’s later, cold, nauseas, thirsty, disorientated and wondering why you have a great feeling of doom

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