tried to follow my doctor's advice and give up smoking cigarettes and try chewing gum instead - but the matches kept getting stuck and the gum wouldn't light. Last week my friend, Mabel, was feeling terribly ill so her husband 'phoned the doctor's surgery. 'I'm afraid the doctor is busy until 10am Thursday,' said the receptionist. 'But that's three days away! My wife is terribly ill,' pleaded Mabel's husband. 'What if she's dead by then?' 'Well,' replied the receptionist, you can always 'phone and cancel the appointment.' 'Doctor, doctor! How can I get this ugly mole off my face?' 'Get your dog to chase it back into its hole.' Before I went off to India for my summer holidays I asked my doctor how I could avoid getting a disease from biting insects. He just told me not to bite any. Hospital consultant: 'The woman in that bed is the love of my life.' Matron: 'Then why haven't you married her?' Hospital consultant: 'I can't afford to - she's a private patient.' When I asked my doctor to give me something to sharpen my appetite he just gave me a razor blade. When I told the doctor's receptionist that I kept thinking I was a billiard ball she told me to get the end of the cue. Yesterday I was in the doctor's waiting room and I heard a ninety-six-year-old man pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive. 'Surely you're imagining things,' said the doctor. 'You're ninety-six years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?' 'Yes,' replied the elderly man, 'that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good.' Patient: 'Doctor, doctor! I've just swallowed a whole sheep.' Doctor: 'How do you feel?' Patient: 'Quite baa-d.' This morning I went to the doctor to see if he had a cure for my wife's sinus trouble. Every time she drags me out shopping she keeps telling me 'sign us' for this, 'sign us' for that.