Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves? A: Her way of not getting pregnant. Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? A: If you aim it well enough. Receptionist: 'Dr. Wynazonski is waiting for you.' Patient: 'Which doctor?' Receptionist: 'Oh, no, he's fully qualified.' Student doctor: 'Please sir, there's some writing on this patient's foot.' Famous surgeon: 'Ah, yes! That's a footnote.' Patient: 'Doctor, how can I live to be a hundred?' Doctor: 'Well, I suggest you give up eating rich food and going out with women.' Patient: 'And then will I live to be a hundred?' Doctor: 'No - but it will seem like it.' Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?' Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?' Patient: 'Doctor, have you got anything for my liver?' Doctor: 'What about some onions?' Patient: 'Doctor, sorry to trouble you again, but what can you give me for flat feet?' Doctor: 'What about a bicycle pump?' Receptionist: 'The doctor is so funny he'll soon have you in stitches.' Patient: 'I hope not - I only came in for a check up.' Worried woman: 'Doctor, I think I'm pregnant.' Doctor: 'But I gave you the Pill.' Worried woman: 'Yes, I know. But it keeps falling out.' 'Doctor, doctor! I've swallowed a spoon.' 'Sit down and don't stir.' 'Doctor, doctor! I'm terribly worried. I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every time I try to get to sleep.' 'Have you seen a psychiatrist?' 'No - only pink striped crocodiles.' Patient: 'And if I take these little green pills exactly as you suggested, will I get better?' Doctor: 'Well, let's put it this way - none of my patients has ever come back for more of those pills.' Patient: 'I've got a terrible pain in my right arm, doctor.' Doctor: 'Don't worry, it's just old age.' Patient: 'But in that case, why doesn't my left arm hurt, too - I've had it just as long?' The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep. Doctor: 'Oh! Don't you sleep at night?' Civil servant: 'Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too - but I find it's very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.' Patient: 'And when my right arm is quite better, will I be able to play the trumpet?' Doctor: 'Most certainly - you should be able to play it with ease. Patient: 'That's wonderful - I could never play it before.'