Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by brazenhussy, May 14, 2007.
The heart of the site is the forum area, including:
Ok then here we go--
Do us brits drink to much??
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the arse.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Personality: Likes to hang with friends and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay!
The Brits have always had a good repuatation for drinking, but recently I have been seeing a lot of Ruskies putting it away on the beaches here.
You can spot them a mile off, firstly they are usualy swigging out of a bottle in the street (men and women), they wear the most gash civvies you have ever, EVER seen, a real hoot to watch.
But one day we decided to do a day trip out to one of the islands, Ivan turns up with his sour faced missus and is on the pop from about 0900, he spends the whole day on the beach in the sun drinking spirits like water and getting more and more sunburned. I sat opposite him at lunch and although I don't speak russian and his english was pretty crap we established that he saves all year for the holiday, dumps the kids with his NOK and gets hammered for 2 weeks.
Anyway, he continued on the piss all afternoon and was as red as a lobster, not a drop of water passed his lips.
He crashed out on the deck of the boat on the way back (again in the sun) and staggered off the boat when we reached the beach.
I said to the Mrs, I can just imagine him having a shower and suffering from sunstroke bigtime and felt pretty good that I hadn't got to deal with that myself and could still enjoy a night out.
Imagine my surprise when around 1am who do I see staggering down the road but Ivan and his Mrs sucking down bottles of beer!
Kudos to that dude, wouldn't fancy keeping up with him on a run ashore.
You Are a Margarita
You aren't just the life of the party, you are the party!
You mix a good drink, bust out some great music, and know how to get down.
Mai Tai! What a great way to start the day that would be.......
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams
>would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk in order to spend time with his friends."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
To some it's a six-pack; to me it's a Support Group.
And, saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is
hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast
as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Choose what you're drinking tomorrow night wisely......!! See below....
WHAT'S YOUR TIPPLE?
A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were
asked if they could identify a customer's personality and how to chat them up
on what drinks they ordered. Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
IF WOMEN DRINK....
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g. Scotch and soda.
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Wine - (bottle, not 4 litre cask).
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has
absolutely no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.
IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider: He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Keg Beer: He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
Premium Cask Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Larger: He's young; he likes Euorp-Fizz and wants to get laid.
Guinness: The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water: He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth
so that he can still get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf.
Desperate to get laid
Port: Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get
Whisky: He doesn't give a feck about anything and will hit anyone who
gets in his way of getting laid.
Malt whiskyâ€™s: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about
feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting
Rum: Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc: He's gay
(blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change he wants to lay you.
Which one are you??!!!!
The horse and mule live thirty years,
And nothing know of wines or beers,
The goat and sheep at twenty die,
And never taste of Scotch or Rye,
The cows drink water by the ton,
And at eighteen are mainly done,
The dog at fifteen cashes in ,
Without the aid of Rum or Gin,
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then at twelve short years it croaks.
The modest , sober , bone dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs , then dies at ten,
All animals are strictly dry,
They sinless live and sinless die,
But sinful , ginfull rum soaked men,
Survive for three score years and ten,
And some of us( the mighty few)
Stay pickled til we're ninety two.
Depends on which county you are in to say if you are drinking too much! Northen more, southern less?
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hoursin a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items infront of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a verylarge and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that itwas. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured theminto the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into theopen areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again ifthe jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up abox of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled upeverything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The studentsresponded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced twocans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents intothejar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The studentslaughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you torecognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are theimportant things--your family, your children, your health, yourfriends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else waslost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebblesare the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand intothe jarfirst," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golfballs. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy onthe small stuff, you will never have room for the things that areimportant to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to yourhappiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always betime to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golfballs first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. Therest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beerrepresented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show youthat no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for acouple of beers."
Can we afford to drink to much???
The pace always quickens at the end of a hard walk when the pub is in sight. Piss heads!!
Pisses me off when Ryan Air drops in late and no chance for a pint of medicine at the "PENNY BLACK"
Me drink too much, bloody cheek. Must admit I did start salivating, alright, drooling at the sight of that pint of Guinness. Going to fridge now.
Is it any surprise that we're a nation of alcoholics? It's part of the national character. I read the other day that a captain of a ship in the 1800s had to return to port because he was in danger of running out of rum & the crew would mutiny. The rum was a lot stronger back then too & most people would drink it as it was healthier than drinking water. Just about every sailor at sea was in an almost constant state of being pissed out his face. Perhaps this may explain some of the outstanding victories with a little 'Dutch courage'? :lol:
Check out 'Gin Street' by Hogarth, could be a scene from nowadays quite easily:
A few years ago, I was supervising a big construction job on an open-cut mine in central Queensland, where we were all living in Dongers. The canteen at the mine (the wet canteen I mean) was run by an Irishman, who as usual was full of great crack.
I was up at the bar one afternoon and saw this old ex miner come in and hand a prescription across to the manager, who took it , put it in the till, went into the cold room and came out with a slab of Guinness (24 cans) handed it too the old miner, no money exchanged and off he toddled with the Guinness and put it in the boot. The manager meanwhile asking him if he could manage to carry it to his car OK??
I said to the manager of the bar what was the score with the medical prescription?? he laughed and told me that the local Doctor at the nearby village ( wont mention its name) was also an Irishman from the same town, and between them they used to pay whatever the cost of these cartoons that the Doc prescribed to all the old miners, who were a wee bit run down, as he said it was the best tonic in the world when you are getting old and run down.
So there you have it folks in outback Queensland the Doctors in one Town think that a carton of Guinness a week is the best medicine for you as you are getting on a wee bit.
I think it's time the NHS should follow suit, and it probably is cheaper than some of these exorbitant prices for tonic mixtures
and most probably do a helluva lot better results.
Wish we had an MO like that when I was in the RN it would have made Fisheries Protection days pass much easier.
Quote:Just about every sailor at sea was in an almost constant state of being pissed out his face. Unquote:...........
Yeah??...so???..Great eh?.... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."
The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."
I'll give an answer as soon as I've taken my beer out of the freezer. They're about to explode.
- back in a mo
Good to hear those familar words!!
I've never seen it practised within my local NHS trust here, but back in Adelaide we would regularly give elderly patients stout, because it has been proven to increase appetite. It was actually prescribed in their medical notes, and suffice to say, if you had a few to dish out, you soon became the most popular nurse on the ward!!
The dits always followed, especially from the diggers (ANZACS) Funny for us to watch as well, because most of them were hard of hearing... :lol:
Separate names with a comma.