DIY Surgery

#1
I have recently discovered a giant zit on my right arse cheek, we are talking a big red angry fcuker the size of a golf ball. It hurts like fcuk and needs to be sorted pronto. Being exceptionally lazy, I can't be bothered to walk to the end of my road and visit the doc so I thought I would consult the next best thing, a bunch of weird people from the internet.

I have attempted to squeeze it in the usual manner, however this appears to have just made it more angry. Thinking it may have been an infected hair follicle, I spent 20 minutes this morning blindly ripping out any hair from around it with some snub nosed pliers (tweezers are for poofs) but again this has just left me with a nasty bald patch and a dirty pair of pliers.

I would appreciate any advice from the learned members of this site. Bearing in mind it's sensitive location and the fact that I can only see it in a mirror so I will have to work backwards, I have decided to limit my surgical tools to the following items:

1 x Soldering iron, gas powered
1 x Snub nose pliers, insulated, electrician's
5 x safety pins, size assorted
1 x Mirror, makeup, robbed from the missus
1 x Gillette Mach 3 razor, shaving, for the use of
1 x Leatherman multitool, stolen, pussers
Half a bottle of Grants 15 year reserve whiskey

Any ideas?
 
#3
Joint_Force_Harrier said:
Hold milk bottle over the kettle and fill with steam.

Place neck of bootle over zit

Man up and take the pain!!!!
Does that work?

It sounds like I will just end up with a milk bottle ring branded next to my hoop!
 
#4
A stirrup pump with a suction cap on the nozzle. As you bend over to use the pump this will tighten your arse cheeks for a good seal. Pull up on the pump handle and just suck the custard out. Making a hole in the zit with a sewing needle will help.

Failing that get one of the hired help to do it with your Dyson (no loss of suction dontcha know)
 
#6
If it is indeed the size of a golf ball, paint it white, nip down to your local golf course and bury yourself in a bunker with just the zit showing.

Await the inevitable result.
 
#7
Ballistic said:
If it is indeed the size of a golf ball, paint it white, nip down to your local golf course and bury yourself in a bunker with just the zit showing.

Await the inevitable result.
This idea I like best.
 

K640

War Hero
#9
Neck the whiskey, grab the bastard with the pliers and squeeze. If that doesn't have the desired affect just burn the fucker off with the soldering iron.
:director: Man the fuck up will you!
 
#11
You now have the very rare privilige of having something in common with my mother in law. :D
The milk bottle idea works very well but is relativly painless.I like the bunker idea the best, although if you go to the MA and let them know that your arse needs stabbing I'm sure he will oblige :D :D :D
 
W

white_mafia

Guest
#12
Sailmakers needle dipped in dettol to disinfect it, tot of whiskey for the dutch courage and lance away and squeeze like fcuk.

Preferably outside in case your arse explodes.
 
#16
Alas my work computer runs on steam, therefore I shall not be able to pass judgement upon this fine video until I get home.

Can one assume that it is the vid of the fella with the giant back wart that splurges cottage cheese across the room?
 
#17
JonnoJonno said:
thereverend said:
JonnoJonno said:
Take a page out of this guy's book and get your missus to do it. I can't stop watching this; it's awesome!

Suitable for Work, but NOT for lunch time viewing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGWFoYHHkP4
8O It's like his back jismed......
That's what makes it awesome.
Once again it's the comments that make the video for me. The winner with this one......"Why do I have an erection?"
 
#18
2_deck_dash said:
Alas my work computer runs on steam, therefore I shall not be able to pass judgement upon this fine video until I get home.

Can one assume that it is the vid of the fella with the giant back wart that splurges cottage cheese across the room?
You assumed correctly. The sound of one of the observer puking in the background, and the seemingly never ending supply of cottage cheese is a must watch. I think I've watched it about 25 times already. I crave to own such a thing (I'd ideally like to have it on my right thigh so I can operate on it whilst wanking).
 
#19
JonnoJonno said:
2_deck_dash said:
Alas my work computer runs on steam, therefore I shall not be able to pass judgement upon this fine video until I get home.

Can one assume that it is the vid of the fella with the giant back wart that splurges cottage cheese across the room?
You assumed correctly. The sound of one of the observer puking in the background, and the seemingly never ending supply of cottage cheese is a must watch. I think I've watched it about 25 times already. I crave to own such a thing (I'd ideally like to have it on my right thigh so I can operate on it whilst wanking).
You might like this: 1priest1nun.com
 
#20
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