Dirty talk.


War Hero
"Yes..what is it my little sugar plum?"
"Shall we - Do you think we could....?"
"Oh - alright then....right this minute?"
"Ooooo yes...let's go outside?"
"******* Hell love, hang on a minute! At least put some shorts on first!"
"You starting already then? Listen! If you don't want to do this, then ******* FORGET it!"
"No-no my precious - just sort of caught me by surprise is all. Hang on and I'll just put me underpants on..."
"Hurry up! You've got two minutes!"

(Five minutes later - al fresco)

"What the **** have you been doing...keeping me ******* waiting....mutter mutter"
"Nothing my little flower pot. I was getting some clean pants on"
"Well? How do you want to do it this time?"
"Errr - I'm thinking that if you get down on your hands and knees, I'll sort of get behind you.....
NOW COME ON LOVE! Them legs need to be wider apart than that!"
"How much ******* further do you think they'll go? Typical of you that is! Think you know
every-*******-thing! That's as wide as they'll get...now do you want to use the South Pole,
or the North Pole?"
"Christ! You got names for everything haven't you? Buggered if I know...you tell me...it's what
you always ******* do anyhow...."
"Well - fine! You get behind me now - I'll get hold of it and you bang it in! Hold on! That ******'s
a bit on the short side isn't it?"
"It should be ******* longer than that for fucks sake! And...as usual....you're NOT banging
hard enough either. I can't keep these legs open this wide all ******* morning you know,
just 'cos you're too lazy to get it up there...."
"I'm doing the best I can dearest...."
"Can't you get it any further in?"
"LISTEN WOMAN! You think you can ******* do this any better, the YOU get behind ME and
******* crack on....."
"It's not long enough! It's not long enough! There! I ******* told you so...it's ******* fell out. Just stop
what you're doing and wait until I make make it longer okay?"
"And just how the **** are you going to do that eh?"
"Same as I always have to.....I'm going to ******* PULL it, that'll make it long enough for me and
it'll fit in the hole properly won't it?"
"And which ******* hole would you like it in this morning then?"
"THIS ONE! THIS ONE! ******* Hell! Do I have to tell you how to do everything?"
"You usually do my little fairy dumpling...and there's no need to point"
"That's long enough...NOW! Get it straight up. I said STRAIGHT UP....Owwwww! For fucks sake!
How many times have I told you about going in at an angle? You NEVER listen do you? Let's
do it YOUR way...bang it in any ******* old how...don't care about me one bit....you'll have to
pull it out now because I can't reach from here...AND I'm getting ******* cramp now!"
"Sorry love"
"There's only two holes to choose from and YOU can't even get THAT right can you? Just stick it
in the wrong one without so much as a by your leave....."
"But you said just now...."
"Get it in there. Go on. Bang the ****** straight in...that's STRAIGHT in right? Now straight up!"


"It's in as far as I can ******* get it now....and if you change your ******* mind and decide it should go
in the other hole then you'll have to hold your flaps apart because I can't see a ******* thing from back
"It'll have to do I suppose....at least it's not bending anymore...."
"You what?"
"You heard...."


"Now...is it in the right hole then?"
"Just keep it in this time. Now shove it right up...as far as it'll go!"
"Arrgghh! I'm getting cramp in me fingers now!"
"I'm ******* warning you! If you let go of my flaps it'll fall out and I'm NOT in the mood to be doing this
all morning..."
"There...it's well in now innit? ******* good job I lubricated it otherwise you would have had a *******
tough time making it any longer...I can't hold your flaps apart much longer you know!"
"Just a couple more should do it...."


"Ahh yes, yes that's it innit?"
"You took your ******* time......again!"
"Thanks a bunch love...now if you could just shut your flaps over - I'll zip up"
"Well ******* what honey-bunch?"
"You going to help me up or what?"
"Can I put this rubber hammer down first?"
"Just help me up and get on with putting this ******* caravan awning together...I could've had it
done in ten ******* minutes!"
"Ohhhh.....I suppose there's not much chance of a cup of coffee and a blow-job then?"

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