DARWIN AWARDS

#1
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards
are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.


HERE THEN, IS THE GLORIOUS WINNER:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER:

2. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted
to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor
home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

AND NOW, THE HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to
see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer...$15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window
was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.

10. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her!

>Be careful out there? :D
 
#4
Lifted straight from a Special Site Notice from a Secret Site Somewhere in Somerset:
INTERNET-AUTHORISED: FIRE SAFETY WARNING - USE OF MICROWAVES.

BBC News 24 and other media outlets have recently transmitted information about a report by Professor Gabriel Bitton, an expert in environmental engineering at the University of Florida. The professor and colleagues claim that 99% of germs contained in a kitchen sponge or dishcloth would be killed if the item was placed in a microwave oven on full power for a period of two minutes.

Shropshire Fire and Rescue Service have recently attended a fire in the Telford area which involved a dishcloth in a microwave oven. The occupier was attempting to sterilize the dishcloth in the manner described by Professor Bitton.

Fortunately the fire was contained within the microwave oven. The Fire Service strongly advise that attempting to sterilize a dishcloth or sponge in this way is extremely dangerous. There are too many variable factors such as the capacity/power of the microwave oven or the moisture content of the dishcloth or sponge. Scalding is another potential hazard. Attempting to do so may result in your home/building being destroyed.

For the above reason staff should not attempt to sterilize dishcloths or sponges in this manner on the ******* Site.
We also now know how to make a timed Improvised Incendiary Device.
 

Rigsby

Lantern Swinger
#7
Capn, not sure who the biggest throbber is here;

firstly the thief for riding a bike without a helmet - eventaully he got what he deserved.
secondly Manchester police for having a policy not to persue a thief on a motorbike if he/she is not wearing appropriate 'safety gear'.

what the feck is going on here? Not persuing a thief incase the thief hurts himself whilst fleeing. Who cares about the thief? oh i know, those great campaigners for human rights who apportion 'rights' to low life scumbags who should not even have a right to life

rant over, now off to watch the cricket at Headingley
 
#9
I nominate my wife's brother.I sold him my Vespa as I looked like a nerd as I perched on it.
He took it home to his garage, closed the garage door and started it up for quite a while,lit a fag and blew himself up!
Hospitalised for four weeks with burns and now he's blaming me because it's stopped him getting his leg over because of impotence from the explosion.
Gormless get struggled to before, according to his wife.
He's a worthy contender though.
 
#10
seafarer1939 said:
I nominate my wife's brother.I sold him my Vespa as I looked like a nerd as I perched on it.
He took it home to his garage, closed the garage door and started it up for quite a while,lit a fag and blew himself up!
Hospitalised for four weeks with burns and now he's blaming me because it's stopped him getting his leg over because of impotence from the explosion.
Gormless get struggled to before, according to his wife.
He's a worthy contender though.
That's quality. Few things make me openly chortle mate, but (especially coming from you) I'm in bits now!
 
#11
I wait all year for these!


2010 DARWINIAN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado
here are the 2010 Darwin awards.

8th Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.

7th Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran",
accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

6th Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when
it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free
him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

5th Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long torch he had
placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his
skull as he hit the floor.

4th Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth
and pull the trigger.

3rd Place

After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door,
a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The
shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter.. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and
a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their
guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge
cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.
Ballistics identified rounds
from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what
would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the
middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around
Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!) to the bridge. His fall lasted
40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 'shit
happens'


IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL!
 
#12
The_Frank said:
I wait all year for these!


2010 DARWINIAN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado
here are the 2010 Darwin awards.



3rd Place

After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door,
a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The
shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter.. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and
a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their
guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge
cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.
Ballistics identified rounds
from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL!
This was in the 2000 printing of the book page 85 and took place in Washington 3/2/90

One I saw in the Torygraph about that time concerned 4 glue sniffers in Wales sat in a car, when one came round afterwards he lit up a fag!!!!!!!!WWHHHUUUMMPPETER :D
 
#17
Meanwhile, down at the local branch of KwikFit, he got the nut stuck in the impact wrench. He tried to get it out with his finger. He pulled the trigger.He got the nut back okay. Now he requires an adjustable spanner.....A.S.A.P.
 
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