Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by FunDiver, Jan 12, 2007.

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  1. Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards
    are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.


    1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
    during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James
    Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
    barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....


    2. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
    a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
    arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
    home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted
    to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor
    home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
    press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


    3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
    machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
    insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
    men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger.
    The chef's claim was approved.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
    found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
    from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
    incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
    waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
    mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
    excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
    discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
    head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he
    received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to
    see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
    counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
    the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
    the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
    fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
    got from the drawer...$15.

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
    he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
    booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his
    head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be
    thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window
    was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
    grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
    woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
    Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
    the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
    the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
    "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
    Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
    demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
    open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
    rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
    frustrated, walked away.

    10. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
    during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
    had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her!

    >Be careful out there? :D
    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. Like it - especially 2 & 10
  3. 4 doesn't seem to be a Darwin award, but give the man 10 out of 10 for initiative.
  4. Lifted straight from a Special Site Notice from a Secret Site Somewhere in Somerset:
    We also now know how to make a timed Improvised Incendiary Device.
  5. No 7 is on youtube, funny as fcuk.
  6. Capn, not sure who the biggest throbber is here;

    firstly the thief for riding a bike without a helmet - eventaully he got what he deserved.
    secondly Manchester police for having a policy not to persue a thief on a motorbike if he/she is not wearing appropriate 'safety gear'.

    what the feck is going on here? Not persuing a thief incase the thief hurts himself whilst fleeing. Who cares about the thief? oh i know, those great campaigners for human rights who apportion 'rights' to low life scumbags who should not even have a right to life

    rant over, now off to watch the cricket at Headingley
  7. I nominate my wife's brother.I sold him my Vespa as I looked like a nerd as I perched on it.
    He took it home to his garage, closed the garage door and started it up for quite a while,lit a fag and blew himself up!
    Hospitalised for four weeks with burns and now he's blaming me because it's stopped him getting his leg over because of impotence from the explosion.
    Gormless get struggled to before, according to his wife.
    He's a worthy contender though.
  8. That's quality. Few things make me openly chortle mate, but (especially coming from you) I'm in bits now!
  9. I wait all year for these!


    You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado
    here are the 2010 Darwin awards.

    8th Place
    In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
    after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
    retrieve his car keys.

    7th Place
    A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran",
    accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

    6th Place
    While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
    from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when
    it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
    used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach
    him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free
    him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

    5th Place
    Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
    bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long torch he had
    placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his
    skull as he hit the floor.

    4th Place
    Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who
    said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth
    and pull the trigger.

    3rd Place

    After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door,
    a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The
    shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
    counter.. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
    hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and
    a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their
    guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
    Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge
    cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.
    Ballistics identified rounds
    from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

    Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
    a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what
    would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed

    Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
    said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the
    middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
    trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the
    midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
    rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
    that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around
    Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!) to the bridge. His fall lasted
    40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
    miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two
    nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

    Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated
    elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
    figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
    Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
    ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
    The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
    Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
    elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
    It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 'shit

  10. This was in the 2000 printing of the book page 85 and took place in Washington 3/2/90

    One I saw in the Torygraph about that time concerned 4 glue sniffers in Wales sat in a car, when one came round afterwards he lit up a fag!!!!!!!!WWHHHUUUMMPPETER :D
  11. Some more idiots trying to exit the gene pool
  12. That's ace. I hope many of the bastards were seriously hurt.
    • Like Like x 2
  13. Is allowed to cheer on the bulls in that archaic country?
  14. I've just realised it's Portugal not Spain. Thought they'd moved on a bit. Shame.
  15. Meanwhile, down at the local branch of KwikFit, he got the nut stuck in the impact wrench. He tried to get it out with his finger. He pulled the trigger.He got the nut back okay. Now he requires an adjustable spanner.....A.S.A.P.[​IMG]
  16. What he said in spades.
  17. You can't say spades in that context, it's backdoor rasicm.
    You Hereford nigga.

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