Daft Ideas


Lantern Swinger
Whilst serving in boats I have come across some really Daft Ideas ie: Our skipper Piggy Poulter decided to have nice yellow lines painted around the casing hatches, one of which was the accommodation space hatch, it was with some mirth and merriment that the afore mentioned skipper then promptly fell down the accommodation space hatch! :clown: He was a lucky that he did not do more damage to the boat or himself!! Needless to say the nice yellow lines were painted out!

Can any one match or better this :thumright:
Remember coming alongside an "S" boat in Faslane. The trot sentry was dressed in No1's with marching boots, NP armband, white belt and webbing. This was the standard dress for his submarine. Apparently the skipper had been on a sojurn with our General Service counterparts and he thought this was a wizard wheeze. He didnt like it much when us dirty diesel boat scabs were in Pirate rig on the casing. What a fcuking ******!
Came back to Guzz on VALIANTafter AUTEC trials, Jimmy decides to have a quick touch up of the casing. Problem was, there was no non skid paint except for a drum we stole from ARK ROYAL's lay apart store in Roosevelt Roads. Trouble is, carriers don't have casings, but they do have flight decks........So up the Tamar we steamed, with a green strip fore and aft, and a Tiffy with a "lawnmower", cutting the grass on the after casing.


Book Reviewer
Came back from the Far Flung in 1968 in Amphion, went alongside at Blockhouse with a fully rigged Trishaw, complete with the Navigator dressed as a Coolie pedaling
A certain Jimmy decided that the boat was filthy and needed an immediate scrub out. Never mind that it was dark and the Control Room was in black lighting, the troops duly turned to and commenced scrubbing by red torchlight. To cheer themselves during this pointless exercise the scrubbers quickly improvised a little ditty : ' Ha ha ha, he he he, we're scrubbing out and we cant see!' This attracted the attention of the CO who stuck his head out of his cabin, took one look and summoned the Jimmy.

Buckets, scourers and pussers hard quickly returned to stowages.

Unfortunately this particular Jimmy went on to become CAPTSM. Still a ******.
For I to have witnesed the 'musthavetheladsscruboutitis' which inflicts Jimmys at the most stupid, ridiculous and bloody downright insane times.
On patrol up North and there is just half an hour of what passes for daylight. SO white lighting in the control room and scrubbing out commences.

The only snag is we're still at PD and everybody is closed up at attack teams. Pointless bloody exercise, nobody moves out of the way, nobody can move out of the way. Electronics everywhere and quite a few bits of kit are at knee level, just dying for a slurp of water. When the fact that the CR is a working operations room and is not designed to look 'nice' is raised the person who uttered the remark is cut to shreads with withering looks from the Nigels. Usually from the XO down. 'Blasphemy', 'Cox'n I want that mans head'.
'You can't have it sir, he's a UC. How else would he wear his headset'.
'Then I want his rate'.....Cox'n again (unusually supportive) 'you wouldn't want it sir......able Seaman is a shit rate...all you'll do is scrub out'.

Meanwhile all the lads have managed is to scrub a square metre of deck which is immeadiately covered in scuff marks from the lookstick readerofferer following the magic roundabout in its never ceasing journey!

THEN....hooray....black lighting in the control room. Back to living like bats again.

The Jimmy again....'I must have my scrub out fix...I must...I must'.
So two deck gets it again....only by now there is shiny metal showing through the tiles.

The joke at the time was.
'Why do we have Captains rounds?...............'
'Cos Captains squares would be a bloody stupid idea'

That's one thing I've not missed in civvy street.....pointless scrubbing out!!!!
Pinkus Porkus had some daft ideas when he arrived in FOSM, Northwood and he threw his (considerable) weight around until he realised that most people outranked him. The ones that didn't ignored him. He was a most dischuffed little piglet for a while.
Who stole his hat outside 311 during the morning brief....c'mon own up!
Another Pinkus Porkus dit for your delectation: Early seventies Pinkus Porkus Jimmy of a certain "O boat" tied up in Guzz. Wife numero uno an ex WRN attends cock and arse party down boat. She gets absolutely shit faced and is put in the skippers cabin to sleep it off. Party ends Captains Cabin door opened to find she has grand slammed. Duty watch required to get her off boat via a Neil Robertson stretcher. Get her on the casing and duty L/H asks Jimmy what to do with her? Pinkus Porkus says "put her in the boot of my ******* car". The duty watch obliged. I heard they were divorced shortly afterwards!

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