Cornish adventure

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by stan_the_man, Jul 24, 2011.

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  1. Well what can I say?? me and the missus went out this morning picking wild plums for jam and possible alcoholic uses. I'm up the tree collecting a couple of pounds of the red beauties, when out of the bushes a couple of yards down the lane pops a cornish dwarf in blue overals 3 days growth and a pint of home brewed cider clutched in his left hand "what you doin me ansome" he drawls whilst sipping his homebrew most of it dripping down his ovvies. Just picking some plums I replied politely with the missus hiding behind me and the dog shitting and pissing himself with fear.
    We got into conversation and he invited us to look round his house and garden I agreed because the scrumpy seemed to be rather nice - so off we trotted well fcuk me the first place we stopped was his garage containing 3 old bangers which hadn't seen a road for several years out of the backseat he produces a 20 litre container of homebrew and 3 dirty glasses fills them up and offers us a wet, the missus looked like she had smelled a turd when she tried to take a sip but Stan being Stan not wishing to harm his feelings quaffed the lot in 2 swigs fcuk me the Challenger could have gone into space on that concoction but this was just the beginning.
    Transitting through his orchard we arrived at a derelict caravan - fcuk my tall hat it was his brewery, full of home brew wine, lager, cider and bitter not small amounts in my estimation about 2000 litres in total, he then offers me sample after fcuking sample, me thinking he's trying to get me pissed and when I fall asleep he's going to slip Mrs S the pig and murder us afterwards so I slyly poured the stuff onto the grass when he wasn't looking.
    After a while he says lets go and meet his wife, 1030 in the morning and the old boy is well on his way but off we trot to his house to meet Mrs Cornish dwarf, fcuk me - every cupboard and shelf was filled with bottles of homebrew and he kept offering me samples of sweet and dry cider and port. Shitting myself thinking does anyone know where we've gone?? will we end up in the fcuking freezer as his next few months food ?? so I gently and politely explained that our daughter was at home and dinner would be ready shortly well bless him he allowed us to leave with two 3 litre bottles of his finest scrumpy and a promise to fix my knackered petrol mower.
    By this time the dog had filled 3 poo bags and the missus was clutching her rossary beads in a frenzy, I however had made a friend for life and I've promised to introduce him to the delights of the internet and in particular RR and Diamond Lils while I quaff his homebrew.
    I will not be telling him where I live!!!
    Anyone else had a similar experience??
  2. Sounds like something from the 'confessions' page of the old "forum' soft porn magazine of yesteryear.....

    Come on Stan, tell us what REALLY fuckin happened.....:slow:
  3. He did the missus and the dog, I woke up in a nearby field with a sore arse!!

    But it is a fcuking gen dit
  4. If it was local to you it can't be that far from me. Tell me where by PM so I can raid that caravan :drunken:
  5. It sounds like you've just met Guzzler
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Isn't Rumrat on holiday in Cornwall at the moment? If it ain't Guzzler it must be him.

    What er "ethnic" grouping was this chap Stan?

    edited for mong spooling
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2011
  7. Just got back from up country, filthy dismal mood after some bastard side swiped me with his caravan and didn't stop, only to find that my parents have had unannounced visitors, a couple with a dog that was suffering from a severe bout of diarrhoea. The couple were picking plumbs, and dad had invited them in to taste his home brew come biofuel. In short, sorry I missed you Stan, and the "fossils" are looking forward to seeing e next year.
  8. Ageing_Gracefully

    Ageing_Gracefully War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    It is now! :)
  9. Well the old fcuker turned up on the doorstep last night about 2130 bollocksed and stinking of it the missus must have let slip that we lived here and I couldn't get rid of him.
    He tells me he was in the SAS for 29 years really says I with raised eyebrows, you must have a decent pension, when questioned further while pissed he confesses he was in the REME TA and the SAS bit really meant Saturdays and Sundays. Bless him, my new run ashore oppo his caravan and it costs me fcuk all - funny though - the dog doesn't want to come with me.
  10. Isn't Monty in Cornwall somewhere. Maybe he's gone RA and got 'is missus living with him.

    Sounds like him.
  11. The guys missus was more crossed eyed than that fcuking lion!!
  12. ================================================


    Is this him, Stan?


    ......Hide the Banjo & start a'squealin'!
  13. The wife doesn't have to go everywhere you do, take the mutt instead.
  14. Ouch you cnut
  15. Lot's of wazzer advice here Stan.....hope your stowing it away for the day when you start your own' Agony Stan' enterprise for the similarly unfortunate who find themselves in a similar concoction of shit.....Careful though...refer the Mongs to MLP....
  16. Lol I always seem to attracts lifes mongs, its a major character flaw I have developed and perfected over the years, hence my response to you
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Touché....there are days when i think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction...your response features in that over all feeling of well being.....that and a trip to the pub shortly....I'll have one for you Stan....:-D:slow:
    • Like Like x 1
  18. Cheers Shippers off over myself late,r fcuking great being retired but the large bellt sydrome is approaching cider and oggies healthiest diet on the planet - not:)

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