Cooking for cheats.


War Hero
Righty-oh, the purpose of this thread isn't to say "look at me I'm the new Jamie Oliver" but to share easy-ish recipes. It doesn't matter if it involves supermarket sauces instead of whipping up your own and dont worry about weights and measures unless it is crucial to the recipe, just take it people will adjust the amount of ingrediants required for the amount of people they're cooking for.

My started for ten is Moussaka.


6 pack of beer/bottle of wine
Jar of belchemal sauce (white sauce that goes with lasagne)
Jar of lasagne tomato sauce

Crack a beer or open the wine, this takes awhile.

Peel and boil the spuds, once done drain and set aside to cool.
Slice the eggplant into 3/4 of a centimetre (ish) slices, salt then whack them in a colander with a weighted plate to try and squeeze the liquid out of them... dont get to hung up with this. Once you're bored of that lightly oil a baking tray and chuck the eggplant on it and put into the oven at about 180 degrees. Turn once and once done take out of the oven and set aside.
In the meantime slice and dice the onion, fry it with the mince, once browned add the lasagne tomato sauce.

You're probably on your 3rd beer by now.

Slice the potato and put a layer at the bottom of your dish, next add a layer of mince then grated cheese followed by eggplant.


Finally add a layer of white belchemal sauce and sprinkly grated cheese on top. Chuck it in the oven at 180 for half an hour or so, kick back and have a beer.



War Hero
Here's another one for you.

In honour of Mrs NZB who taught me it I'll call it "Chicken a la Dunners"

Chicken... can be left overs, shredded bought from the deli or diced and cooked chicken breast if your posh.
Creme fresh
whole grain mustard
Green beans

Cook your spuds as you'd do roasties just make them smaller.
Open the creme fresh, pour it into an oven proof dish, if your just cooking for you and the missus use one tub, for a family use two.
Chuck in the chicken and stir in a couple of tablespoons of wholegrain mustard.
At this stage the rich and affluent people of dunners sprinkle a bit of saffron into the dish, being a poor truckie from the hicks I dont bother with that shit.
Whack it in the oven with the spuds, boil your greens and once it's all done it's essence.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
I'll play.

Here's a good 'un for Italian lovers. Great as it doesn't need much prep, and you can make loads and freeze them.

Italian Meatballs in Tomato sauce :-D



Lean minced beef (1 500g pack should feed 3-4 but it depends on how hungry you are)
2-3 slices of bread, no crusts, ripped up small
1 mozzarella, chopped
Basil (dried or fresh)
1 egg

Tomato Sauce

1 onion, chopped
Can of chopped tomatos
Same amount of beef stock
Couple of glugs of Worcester Sauce
Italian herbs
Salt etc
(Add in anything really. I add sliced courgette :) )


Mix all the meatball ingredients together - bar the milk. Mixed them really well, and add little amounts of milk 'til they start to stick together.
Leave the mixture to one side to soak up the milk and egg whilst you fry the onions for the sauce 'til soft and then put all the rest of the ingredients in. Bring to the boil, then simmer down.
Form the meat mixture in to the meatballs. Size depends on personal preference :-D
Make sure the mixture sticks together or they'll fall apart in the frying pan and you'll just have Bolognese sauce with added mozzarella and breadcrumbs with your pasta.
Heat the frying pan to middleish heat, add a couple of tablespoons of olive oil, and add the meatballs 4-5 at a time, depending on the size of your frying pan.
Cook them 'til brown and crispy and obviously cooked through. If you can't fit them all in the frying pan, take them out when done, put them to one side.
The sauce should thin right down so it isn't liquid any more. Mix the meatballs in to the sauce and leave for 15 -20 minutes or so to simmer.
Cook your pasta whilst you wait.

Serve with Italian red, if there is any left after you have a few drinkies whilst you cook... :-D


Lantern Swinger
Wet Blobby, in your second one in the list of ingredient should I also have the six pack/ stroke case of cider?


War Hero
Missus said it was my turn to cook. Skirmished the fridge, apart from two chicken breasts and some mushrooms, which I knew about, there were a few carrots, couple of spring onions that had seen better days, bit of mashed spud left from yesterday, two half peppers, red and green, and a few cooked green beans. So - instant recipe for frigging chickasee.
Peel and slice carrots, small pot, season, put on range to boil. Slice mushrooms, cook down in frying pan with knob of margarine, turn onto plate.
Dice peppers, cook same as mushrooms. Dice chicken, season, seal in frying pan, put aside. While all this is going on, peel and slice spring onions, add to mashed potatoes, season if required, form into flat cake and fry off in smaller frying pan. Chop cooked green beans and add to mushroom and pepper plate. Boil kettle, steal packet of chicken cup-a-soup from cupboard, make up with boiling water to one third cup and add to chicken, bring to boil, add plate of mushrooms etc., bring back to serving heat, turn onto plates warmed over boiling carrots.
Call missus to tell her supper is ready, and serve.
Twenty five minutes all in, she thought it was very tasty, and colourful, and quick. I thought it was OK, and enabled me to get back to what I was doing! Result!



War Hero
Uncle Bens sweat chilli rice - 2mins in microwave

Add too a tin of tuna n brine and 2 eggs microwaved in a egg shaper. Mess is all up in a bowl. Viola lishus

I can just about eat it quicker than it takes to cook.

+ HP fruity to taste


Aldi shortcrust pastry, open and leave to air for 15 mins, during that time empty box of value sage and onion stuffing into jug and make up with boiling water, add butter, enough salt in butter to season stuffing. Place pastry on baking tray and add stuffing to oneside, fold pastry over and nip the edge with thumb to seal, slash top a couple of times for steam to escape, bung in oven @ 180c until golden brown, one mega veggie pasty.


Consume alcohol of choice before, throughout, and after the following procedure.

1. Warm the plates at 105 degrees whilst dialling 08 09 27 41 44 82

2. When answered; dictate each of the above numbers slowly but loudly.

3. Relax for 20 mins then have correct coinage of the realm, plus a 50p tip, all ready for the chogi's prompt arrival.



War Hero
Book Reviewer
This one is a bit more specific with ingredients but it is idiot-proof and tastes amazing. Good for guests too, as it can just be thrown in the oven and forgotten about until the bell goes.

German Apple Cake

For cake mix:

100g butter
100g caster sugar
200g self-raising flour
1 large egg

Apple filling:
350-400g cooking apples, peeled and rough chopped
50g sultanas
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
50 demerara sugar

Tin = 7 inch round tin with a loose base


Line tin with greaseproof paper, and brush with melted butter or marge or some kind of non-stick stuff.
Melt the butter in a pan, when liquid, remove from heat and mix in the sugar, egg, and flour to make a firm mixture.
Put 2/3 in to the tin and squash down to line the bottom of the tin. It doesn't need to be neat but it does need to cover it all.
Mix the apples, sultanas, demerara sugar, and cinnamon together, and dump on top of the cake base in the tin.
Press the remaining cake mix over the top - it won't cover all of it, but that doesn't matter, it's the "rustic" look you're going for...
Bake the cake for about 50-60 minutes at 180 centigrade.
Take it out when golden brown, leave to stand for 10 minutes as it needs to set.
Serve warm or cold. I prefer cold, it's delish. :-D


War Hero
Some nice dishes here, i shall try some myself.

Now here is mine:

Beer open...Swig.

Bread in toaster...push down.


Tin of beans...Microwave for set minutes.


Plate out, toast on.....Beans on...

Sit down, swig, eat.

* Per Person -

1 x Onion (medium)
6 – 7 Mushrooms
1 clove of garlic

Per 2 people –

1 Fore-Rib of beef, bone in or 2 x Rib-eye steaks, approx 2 inches thick

Green Salad
Vegetable Oil or Olive Oil (not extra virgin)

About 90 minutes before you intend to eat, roughly chop the onions, garlic and mushrooms, heat a thick-bottomed frying pan (big enough for both steaks at the same time) with enough oil to fully cover the bottom. When the oil is hot, but not smoking, add the onions first, then mushrooms and finally the garlic (should prevent the garlic from burning).

After about 3 or 4 minutes, turn the heat down so that the onions are quietly sizzling and then leave for 20 – 25 minutes (i.e., the heat should be low enough that you are comfortable enough to go drink a glass of wine!). Stir the mixture, which should be turning golden, and sprinkle about 1/2 teaspoon of sugar (brown or white) over the onions, to help the caramelisation process along.

Repeat these steps until the mixture is golden brown and nicely unctuous, and it will have reduced in volume significantly. Scrape the entire mixture from the pan, and set aside in a warm place until later. This normally takes 80 mins or so.

[Take the steaks out of the fridge to warm up to room temp at about the same time as the first stirring.]

In the same pan, ideally with no onion/mushroom/garlic bits remaining, add more oil (if it’s veg you can get it hotter) until smoking. This is where it really comes down to personal preference:

For individual steaks, I like mine blue and Mrs ATG likes hers medium-rare, so hers will go on a minute or two before mine. Place in the pan: I move them about after 30 secs to stop them from sticking, but only turn once. Mine will be done in 3 – 4 minutes total, her's will get about 5 minutes. If you are doing a Fore Rib, do much the same, however, each side will get about 2 minutes (including the layer of fat and the bone side) and then put it in a v hot oven (Gas Mark 6 – 7) for about 7 – 8 minutes.

Once the meat is done, take the pan off the heat, take the meat from the pan and set aside in warm place to rest at least 10 minutes.

After the meat is out, wait for a couple of minutes, and then put the pan onto a low heat. Re-introduce the onion mix and stir until fully warmed through.

Now comes the difficult bit:

Turn up the heat, and as the mixture begins to sizzle, add a generous splosh of brandy. It should be enough to deglaze the bottom of the pan, and if you really want to let it catch light. Either way, fairly quickly afterwards add the cream (double for a preference), again enough to cover the entire pan. Turn the heat down a little, and continue stirring until the cream sauce has thickened considerably, and the entire concoction is a deep golden brown in colour.

Simultaneously, add the gnocchi to a pan of vigorously boiling water and cook. As a guide for timings – put cold water on to boil once the meat is out of the pan, added the onions back to the pan when the water is boiling, and add the gnocchi immediately after the cream is in the pan. Gnocchi will be done in 2 – 3 minutes (whenever they are floating), which is about the right time to thicken the sauce.

Serve the steaks, sauce and gnocchi on large warmed plates*.

This probably provides your calorie intake for a day or two, but it’s worth it!

* if you are serving a fore-rib, take it off the bone, and then cut to order….


War Hero
Add 2 -3 pinches of garlic salt to oil and fry the **** out if a shit ton of bacon apply to super extra mega high calorie white bread and obese inducing butter. Hot sauce and tekken 5 to be added to taste. Fart and fall asleep.

P.S only works if your wasted and cant be bothered to walk to a bab ouse. I have this once or twice a month after losing 2 stone in 3 months-ish.

P.P.S This is a proven cure for shin splints and gout. Note, may cause racism.


War Hero
Jimbo...Alfred and Early chop....I have my months meals sorted down to you guys.

It covers a sit down meal with a single bird, a 'Get me a good xmas prezzi' mum meal...Also a pissed up, belly rumbling midnight scran.

All i need is the turkey on the 25th, the curry on the 26th, the buffie and my sisters 21st on the 27th and the shits on the 28th!

Cheers lads.


Bob's Brunch - For a REALLY lazy sod's 55 second meal:

Spread two doorsteps 'o bread thus: Butter or spread on one slice & Sauce (Red or Brown) on the other & make into a sandwich with a whole packet of crisps/hula hoops of your choice. NEVER cut into halves, quarters or triangles unless you are a :censored:

Collect previously chilled wine/beer/lager and a ring-pull-type can of Heinz Cream of Tomato soup from fridge & open both.

Drink said soup direct from can, adding Worcester/Tabasco sauce & black pepper to taste.

Select a pickled egg or giant size pickled gherkin and a sliver or two of mature cheese etc. as the accompanying garnish.

Assume a reclining position in front of any ace pre-recorded programme and enjoy.

Those feeling guilty about the lack of any 'five of' could add any fruit for their duff.


When drinking that chilled Tomato soup direct from can as above take care that the rim opposite one's mouth does not leave a give-away red ridge on the bridge of one's nose otherwise it will invite undeserved sympathy.

Likewise, an entirely opposite reaction could arise from drinking chilled Oxtail soup - so DON'T!

There remains an absoute minimum of washing up to add to that already-crowded sink. Just one knife & one plate (A soup spoon is optional for those determined to scrape the last dregs of the tom loop from the insides of the can.)
About 90 minutes before you intend to eat...

After about 3 or 4 minutes...

leave for 20 – 25 minutes...

Repeat these steps...

This normally takes 80 mins or so....

to warm up to room temp...

Mine will be done in 3 – 4 minutes...

her's will get about 5 minutes.

each side will get about 2 minutes...

for about 7 – 8 minutes.

place to rest at least 10 minutes.

wait for a couple of minutes...

will be done in 2 – 3 minutes...
Oi, Philip flipping Harben,
Wrong thread! Dontcha know this is for 'Cooking for cheats', not blinking Marathon Man:roll:

(Looks tasty though. Tried sending it off to Womans Own? Or did you get it from there in the first place? :evil2: :wink:)
BOB - I worked in a restaurant before I joined the pusser (and no, it wasn't the main galley!). We used to make up the onion mix in huge batches in the morning, and then store in the fridge. Every evening, we'd get a pot out, let it warm up, and then serve with the steaks.

The best steak I ever had was in Grand Central Station (20oz rib-eye, about 4 inches thick), but I've not got to Argentina yet, so may have to reserve judgement.
6 chillies finely chopped...
Ah the potential danger of those wee beasties...

A quiet sunday at Faslane, boat deserted but a retired & distinguished ex-SM CO arrives unnannounced complete with wifey for a quick visit. Nav as OOD springs to the fore, politely hosts them and so back into the WR on completion.

Hospitality is needed but it's only tea time & the steward has nipped inboard with the Mess bar keys. The already- prepared sandwiches and slices of cake are accepted but Nav feels that a slightly warmer welcome is due. So he scratches around in the lockers but all he could find was a full bottle of Tio Pepe sherry so he pours them a decent measure each.

Polite conversation ensures for a wee while then they depart. Nav relaxes, congratulating himself on fielding the afternoon's fast ball, then notices to his glee that their sherrry has been left untouched.

In true MS fashion he sees off one of those brimming glasses in one before collapsing spluttering and alnost choking to death...

Oh yes, it was the genuine Tio Pepe alright,
but marinating silently within was almost a quarter of a bottle of dried chillies - to be used cautiously to spice up the often bland soupe du jour on patrol.

Our VIPs were much too polite to mention it, the Stwd hadn't needed to tell anyone about it but we never gave the poor Nav a chance to forget it!


War Hero
BOB - I worked in a restaurant before I joined the pusser (and no, it wasn't the main galley!). We used to make up the onion mix in huge batches in the morning, and then store in the fridge. Every evening, we'd get a pot out, let it warm up, and then serve with the steaks.

The best steak I ever had was in Grand Central Station (20oz rib-eye, about 4 inches thick), but I've not got to Argentina yet, so may have to reserve judgement.
The Argies may provide the best steaks, but I'd be surprised if the yanks didn't cook the best. Best I had was from a Canuk/Portuguese joint enterprise in Cascais (near Lisbon) when it was home to me. They had a marinade which was better kept secret than the NATO secrets out there - not all that well kept then really, but I still never got it.

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