Contribute a story and help a veteran


I hail from the Arrse and have to admit that I am not a marine, but would ask that you read the following which I have just posted there and would ask you to contribute. Thanks.

Fellow Arrsers.
I have recently noted lots of complaints on this site about the (mainly non-existent) help given to our returning veterans, and think I/we may be able to help a bit. Instead of moaning let’s set about helping each other, who better to do it? Taking into account the fact that if you put two British Soldiers together before long one will make the other laugh, I have come up with an idea.
Simply put I am asking you to contribute funny stories which I will then put together as a book, proceeds to be used to help veterans.
The book will be titled, 'Huh Bet Mine Doesn't Fit'. See below.

A comment from a fellow arrser: I’ll be honest with you, I like your idea and why not do it, there must be hundreds of thousands of stories out there waiting to be told, some humorous, some hilarious, some reflective and some more serious and I feel that they should be told if people are willing to tell them.

My initial idea was to set up a help-line/ centre manned by people who know, though it has been suggested that I set up a centre out here (Catalonia) to allow veterans to come and rest perhaps working with Combat Stress. It all depends on sales, if it doesn't take off then proceeds to Combat Stress, if it does then the idea can be expanded to include subscriptions and donations.
I am writing to Frederick Forsyth and Max Hastings who are squaddie friendly for help in publishers, if you have practical ideas on any aspect then let me know. If it works great, if not then I/we tried, I would prefer to try and fail rather than not do anything.

What am I looking for?
Well amusing stories that will make you laugh, from any situation; barracks, action, exercise, it doesn't matter. Past or present, stories from WW2, Borneo, Falklands, Iraq, Germany, Ireland, times in between, get a friend or relation to contribute.

Stories will be chosen on merit and put into relevant chapters.

Swearing will be tolerated though may be cleaned up a bit, if Spike Milligan can use the F word then so can we. Probably.

Stories may be edited slightly for spelling, grammar, and so on.

Names and units are not necessary but often preferable. If you don't mind them coming out then PM me or use my e-mail, you can also post them but PM your data. Otherwise you can retain anonymity though I may use your arrse name.

I will be contacting other sources, such as Legion magazine, if you have an idea tell me.

OK, I include a couple of ideas to give a taste, though I am still trying to work out if I should include the one about my brother accidentally crapping on the barrel of his smg.

The title comes from when I heard possibly the most intelligent comment ever made on the military.
Out in Germany on exercise we were in the final hours before endex, everything that was going to happen had done so, and nothing was going on. I got back to my Platoon HQ from Company HQ to see the Platoon HQ lads looking hugely depressed.
Quick, say something to raise morale, I thought. “ Cheer up lads, the OC has told me we are all getting issued with individual womenâ€
The reply was instantaneous without changing expression.
“ Huh bet mine doesn’t fitâ€.

Secondly A Fusilier CSM told me this from when he was in West Berlin during the Cold War.
He was having a quiet beer in his house with his visiting brother-in-law when they got a surprise readiness alert, which regularly happened in those days. As he sprinted round getting his kit on his wife explained to her brother that this was in case Ivan came to pay a visit.
“ So what happens if it is real?†he asked.
“ Then I hang my knickers on the banister and go and lie on the bed†she said.
As The CSM went out the door cramming his helmet onto his head he heard the brother-in-law asking out loud
“ Has anyone got any Vaseline?â€

I have just noticed that mine both involve women/sex in some way, lets have some variety lads.



Great 68 views and nothing.
Do you all lead totally boring lives?
Why do some things on this site have me in stitches and nobody except a submariner can be arsed to help out?

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