Comic Cuts/Write Ups

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Nutty, May 10, 2007.

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  1. Stop me if we have done this before if not what was your best Comic Cut/Write Up/Assessment.


    1984 Putney CID Office Annual General Report.

    "Dress and Appearance: Rated "D": Detective Constable H*** shows scant regard for Houte Couture:"

    Scruffy bastard then am I Guv.

    Yes


    Nutty

    PS I remained true to D/E Boats in dress and cleanliness
     
  2. Part of my final write up before going outside:
    'No longer eligible for 2OE and would not take it if offered'
     
  3. Although not a natural sportsman, ******* is an enthusiastic and regular attendee of all social functions.
     
  4. How about "fully conversant with modern social habits" for one of my Division discharged for using drugs! If it had happened today he would be told not to do it again & get to keep his career!
     
  5. Had that statement in different words as well
     
  6. His sole aim in lif seems to be to empty his in tray as fast as possible so that he can abuse his privilege of holding a blue card by drinking excessively ashore. Although he has not been absent without leave he has been close on occasions.

    All underlined in red which I was very proud of.
     
  7. ooooo red under-lining! I was't lucky enough to join while this was still in use but it certainly draws the eye whenever I am having a flick through someones docs.
     
  8. 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

    2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

    3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

    4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

    5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

    6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

    7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

    8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

    9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

    10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

    11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

    12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

    14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

    15. "He's been working with glue too much."

    16. "He would argue with a signpost."

    17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

    18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

    19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

    20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

    21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

    22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

    23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

    24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

    25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

    26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

    27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

    28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

    29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

    30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

    31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

    32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

    33. "Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn't looking"
     
  9. Apologies if this is a ZDK:

    ADAPTABILITY
    Midshipman F started at the bottom and has stayed there.

    An aptitude test showed that this recruit's only real aptitude is for taking aptitude tests.

    Midshipman D breezes through life in an untroubled manner. I am not sure whether it is indifference or inexperience that puts him beyond the reach of anxiety.

    ALCOHOL
    This Leading Stoker is suffering from bottle fatigue.

    The Buffer usually drinks doubles - and then sees the same way.

    If a mosquito bit my MEO, it would probably die of alcohol poisoning.

    COMMON SENSE
    I wish this officer would understand that nought is a mark.

    As Navigator's Yeoman he is like a lighthouse in a desert - brilliant but useless.

    Socially, this young helicopter pilot is partial to hell-raising stag parties - but usually knows where to draw the line, or, at worst, who to apologise to the following day.

    COURAGE & STAMINA
    The Senior Engineering Officer believes that only a certain number of heartbeats have been allotted to him, and is reluctant to use any of them up on the sports field.

    The Gunnery Officer has had a series of chest infections; he is so full of antibiotics that every time he sneezes, he cures a dozen people.

    With regards to hard work, this Able Seaman has a notion - but very little motion.

    EFFECTIVENESS
    Petty Officer K knows very little, but knows it very fluently.

    Leading Seaman A often lets his mind go blank, but then forgets to turn off the sound.

    This Midshipman has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

    INTEGRITY
    I object to the fact that this Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and the other members of the Wardroom to carry him from bar to bar.

    This sailor is something of a contact man - all 'con' and no 'tact'.

    The Padre is a small, lithe man who slides about the place in a rather oily fashion.

    Taken from In Confidence: Jackspeak Triservice Guide to Staff Reporting
     
  10. On a similar theme. Things you would love to say out loud at work....
    1. I can see your point but I still think you are full of s**t
    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce
    3. How about never? Is never good for you?
    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way
    6. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter
    7. I'm out of my mind but feel free to leave a message
    8. I don't work here I'm a consultant
    9. It sounds like English but I can't understand a damn word you are saying
    10. Ahhh... I see the screw up fairy has visited us again
    11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid
    12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers
    13. I have plenty of talent and vision I just don't give a damn
    14. I will always cherish the inital misconceptions I had about you
    15. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view
    16. I am already visualising the duct tape over your mouth
    17. The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist
    18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
    19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks
    20. I'm not being rude you're just insignificant
    21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off
    22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial
    23. And your crybaby whiney-arsed opinion would be
    24. Do I look like a people person
    25. This isn't an office it is hell with fluorescent lighting
    26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left
    27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer
    28. If I throw a syick will you leave?
    29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed
    30. Whatever kind of lok you were going for you missed
    31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
    32. A cubicle is just a pdded cell without a door
    33. Can I trade this job for what is behind door number 1?
    34. To many freaks not enough circuses
    35. Nice perfume , must you marinate in it?
    36. Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done
    37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
    38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a salary
    39. Oh I get it... like humour... but different


    Enjoy :lol:
     
  11. My most fave one was from 814 NAS. My DO wrote "LWTR ****** is garrolous by nature". i must have looked puzzled when I read it cos he immediately translated it into language I could understand. He said "it means your a gobshite"

    Happy Days
     
  12. From my first job in the RN "XXXX is an officer with a considerable social reputation". I am still so proud of that comment!
     
  13. Slightly off topic, but when I first joined my current employer back in 1985 I've never forgotten going into the then Librarian's Office where his desk was perched on a platform a foot off the ground and I was invited to sit on a low sofa below! He then said:

    'It's a great priviledge for people like you to be working here.'

    He was alluding to that fact that I was educated at a state comprehensive school and hadn't read Greats or similar at Oxbridge! During my tour of my new workplace my guide pointed out the two members of staff who'd NOT been educated at Oxbridge! I just couldn't believe people still had those kinds of attitudes in 1985! 8O :roll: :lol:
     
  14. Nice use of opsigs!!! Would have gone for ZFD myself

    Like that, I've had garrolous in one of mine. Didn't want my DO to think I was uneducated so didn't ask what it meant but I had a pretty good idea!!!
     
  15. My DO 0n 702 "has a sick sense of humour, for some reason this entertains those round him"
     
  16. My final report when I left the RN in 1987 was written by my DO in 2 minutes and under duress before I finally departed. It read
    Petty Officer C**** is an all round good egg, snappy dresser and fun to be with at parties".
    I actually had to present that to my new employers, the police, on joining!
     
  17. CH D**** is an amusing raconteur and socially explosive
     
  18. REM(A) R......s is too jovial.
    Underlined in red.
    Proud of that one, as I said to my D.O. what would you rather a happy matelot or a sad one?
     
  19. My DO wrote:

    Keen conscientious operator well above average and can be relied upon in all situations on board, recommended for higher rate.

    Once ashore looses all sense of responsibility, a victim of the demon alcohol.

    I've been T Total for about fifteen years now, probably finished up an admiral if I didn't like the grog :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    [​IMG]


    pingbosun
     
  20. Can't vouch for it's veracity, but back in the good old days of the 'Tot', a certain well known Rum Rat ( not me!) had the write up-- am =idiot, pm gibbering idiot.
     

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