Collection 5

The_Caretaker

War Hero
A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air.
A psychotic is the person who lives in it.
A psychiatrist is the one who collects the rent.

......................................

I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears."

He said, "Don't answer it!"

.............................................

"Doctor! My husband thinks he's a chicken"
"Well, why don't you send him to a psychiatrist?"
"I would, but we need the eggs."

................................................

Dentists are wonderful. They put all this fancy equipment into your mouth, get their drills going full blast, then ask you questions you feel compelled to answer, like "I hear your wife has been sleeping with the milkman?"

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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

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How to be a good lawyer:

1) When the law is against you, argue the facts.

2) When the facts are against you, argue the law.

3) When both are against you, call the other lawyers names.

................................................

How to be a good lawyer:

1) When the law is against you, pound on facts.

2) When the facts are against you, pound on law.

3) When both are against you, pound on the table.

................................................

Does it frustrate you that I don't agree with you?

.............................................

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.

............................................

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied,
"Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"

..........................................
The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris, France, and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intently studied the array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustled over to him.
"Do you have something in mind?" she asked.
"I certainly do, ma'am," the American emphatically replied. "That's why I want a nice gift."

.............................................

There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth.

A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?"

The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys."

The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?"

The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"

.............................................

What's the difference between women and men?

One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

..............................................
 
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