I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster. My wife’s best friend sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, the paperwork's already done". I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife decided to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…**** it….soldier on. I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Maccas serve breakfast until 11.30.