Caught Thrapping?


War Hero
Book Reviewer
I started a thread on this on ARRSE, to great effect. Now lets see who's honest on here then.

In the heady days of BAOR you couldn't go into the bogs in the block without hearing the rythmic "slap slap slap" of knackers and page turning of boxhead filth. I remember having to wake some chap up when i was on stag at 0530hrs on a Sunday and having to walk past the pit space of a fellow who clearly came in from town sozzled and thought it would be good to tug himself sober, only to fall asleep. I found him starkers on his pit, flaccid member in hand and a girl on girl scene paused on his VHS. A quick check of his top drawer and his camera was found and pictures were duly taken. I digress.

As a young chap i came home on my first leave from Deutschland with my bag loaded with porn (mags & vids) and Asbach. Being 1990, hardcore porn was not freely available in the good old UK. Anyway, i arrive home and go through the routine with the family and promptly go out to get trollied with my civvy chums. Many, many beers, shorts and fags later, i go home at silly o clock with the raging horn. Despite my many tales of derring do, the ladies of West London were not putting out and rohypnol was unheard of then. As the family Blackrat were all abed, my drunken mind informed me that it would be perfectly acceptable to stick a porn vid on in the front room and thrap myself into oblivion.

Making no more noise than a herd of elephants trapped in a greenhouse full of bear traps, i managed to locate a suitable film from the depths of my bag and sneak downstairs. With a trembling hand, i placed said video into the VHS and pressed play. Nothing. Blank screen. The TV was not on. Turning the TV on i was then subjected to a barrage of noise akin to the Krakatoa eruption. Casa Blackrat was treated to "Ja ja mit der klinker" (or something like that) at high volume. Shite!! I located the remote eventually (after several "Ja ja. Sehr schon"'s and one "Ich Spritze") and put the volume on very low. Good. Assembling my thrap kit of tissues, remotes and a pint of water, i settled down, placed my trousers and boxers around my ankles and began burping the worm at a sedate pace.

Five minutes later and close to arrival, i hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Shhhhhhhhhiiiitttttttt!!

At the speed of a million gazelles i had to:
1. Pull trousers & boxers up
2. Stop the video
3. Turn off the TV
4. Hide the tissues
5. Conceal a massive hardon

All from whoever was coming downstairs. Now, i think i had around 10 seconds to do this. Sounds logical. What i did was: (Cue Yakkity Sax from Benny Hill)

1. Fall over trying to pull up trousers & kex
2. Spill water over the remotes
3. Smack head off the coffee table
4. Be sick over the carpet

I was then confronted by my elder brother (luckily not Mother Blackrat). He took in the scene of me on the deck, naked from the waist down, hardon, vomit on the floor and on the TV, a nice Frauline getting pummelled up Das Hoop by Rudi Voller, and said "What the fuck is going on?" (Very observant is brother Blackrat). I bribed him a tenner to keep shtumm and told him i would cook him breakfast for a week. He agreed. Two nights later, all my mates knew. So much for brother love.

Come on people, confess. Any similar situations?

PS. Brother Blackrat. If by chance you have stumbled on here and are reading this, i jacked in your scrambled eggs.
Back in the 70's the boat I was on was alongside in Hamburg :thumbright:
We went for a run ashore down the Reeperbahn, hit the bars, brothels and porn shops and staggered back to the hotel (actually every day to be honest :oops: ). In the morning the hotel room was awash with porn mags, I decided to go for a shower before hitting the town again, whilst in the shower I heard an almighty scream from the room so legged it in to find a very redfaced oppo (who I was sharing the room with) tidying up the smut. Turns out he thought he'd knock one out while I was in the shower and had got to the vinegar stroke when the door opened and the chambermaid walked in.

Never got the room cleaned after that and said oppo had to run the gauntlet of sniggering frauleins every time we went to scran


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Germany, '92. Good mate of mine, who shall obviously remain nameless, came back from town with me in a taxi on a real high. Both of us were very drunk and i was feeling rather ill.

"Did you score tonight you jammy bugger?" says i.
"No man" says he. "I did persuade her to give me her kex though like"

He then proceeded to pull out an alarmingly sized pair of Bridget Jones hand me downs from his pockets. Thrusting them in my face, he urged me to "Have a sniff, gan on. They smell of her reet enough". If "She" smelt of urine and cack, then he had the correct undercrackers. I politely declined a more detailed inspection stating that if they came within a foot of me, i would chuck up the pizza i had recently consumed.

Back at the block, we retired to our respective rooms and i lay on my pit. Closing my eyes, i had a feeling not unlike that of being on the black hole at Alton Towers. Deciding that a chat with Hughie and Ralph down the big white telephone was in order, i set off hot foot to the karzee to razz. Making it just in time, i ejected vomit at a speed that would have impressed Werner Braun and could hear moaning from the trap next to me. On exiting, i noticed the next door trap was slightly ajar. Being the good samaritan that i am, i had a shufti, thinking someone else was being sick as well. I wish i hadn't bothered. My northern friend was on the throne, hampton in hand, tugging furious away wearing only the aforementioned gunts over his entire head. The vision was enough to make me dry retch while laughing furiously. Sadly for him, he fell asleep where he was and was found a couple of times during the night by others who were luckily so drunk, they thought they were hallucinating.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Although not caught thrapping, a thrap story nonetheless.

Some of you who deployed on Granby may remember when vehicles had to be driven from Soest/Munster/Paderborn/Lippstadt etc to the fair German port of Emden. I was detailed to drive one of those wacky looking Land Rovers (can't remember exactly what they were called, big feckers though) on a 10 hour trip up to Emden, with no bloody co-driver. This was not cricket. To keep myself awake and therefore alive on this trip, i stocked up with a couple of 2 litre bottles of coke, mars bars ,crisps and a multitude of fags. All too soon, we set off in a splendid convoy. The first 4 hours of the trip were fine with me singing merrily away to myself in the cab, swigging coke and flicking fags out of the window at passing Mercedes. We had a brief stop where i jumped out and p1ssed like a racehorse and begged for a co-driver (i was losing it and had forgotten the words to "Michael Row the Boat Ashore"). There was no-one spare so i had to set off on my own again.

After and hour and a half, i felt a stirring down below. I wasn't thinking of anything sexual, but little Blackrat had awoken. As he had stirred, i started re-playing previous conquests in my head from my spank bank. This was most welcome as i was trying my hardest to stay awake. The age old tricks of sticking my head out of the window, rubbing spit in my eye and shouting at the top of my voice were failing. Convoy cock had now set in so i decided to have a convoy thrap. As we were travelling at a speed of about 50mph, i deemed it safe to do so. One handed, i released little Blackrat out of his pants prison and started to have a wee chug. Thing is, i had no tissues to spaff into. Reaching behind the seat to see if there was one of the convoy flags there, i located a set of coveralls. Good find. Shoving little Blackrat up one of the sleeves, i pulled the head clean off him until i spilt my beans up the sleeve. I should add that on climax, i swerved into the hard shoulder and hit a fence. After wiping, the covvies were shoved behind the seat.

So the story ends. As a footnote though, i was present when the owner of the covvies went to put them on when we were in Al Jubail. He had the bottom half over his combats with the sleeves wrapped around his waist. He went to fit some new batteries into the back of his rover, so decided to put the covvies on properly. The left arm went in a treat but on trying to put his right arm in, it met some resistance. "Some fuckers glued my sleeves together. What kind of jack bastard would do that?"

Laugh? I had wee dribbling down my leg.
One more then. On another boat inboard had fcuked up (surprise surprise) and issued double length curtains for the racks. Cut a long story short, offgoing donk shop horse pulls back what he thought were the curtains for his rack, unfortunately they were for the rack above and there was the off watch horse in the middle of a mag assist who looked like the rabbit in the headlights with three of the off going watch grinning like Cheshire cats giving him a round of applause.
Quite a few years ago (in my early twenties) my then girlfriend caught me cracking one off.

Trouble was that she was lying right next to me and I thought she was asleep. She didn't kick up a fuss though; she muttered "bloody hell", rolled over and went back to sleep.

Very selfish of her, since she could have helped me out a bit!


War Hero
Book Reviewer
I was on a battle camp as a Junior Leader (can't exactly remember where, could have been Wathgill) and a mate was dying for a tug. He had his copy of Escort on standby and was actively seeking pad furniture in the readers wives section. The rest of the room was down the NAAFI at the time and i was getting changed after a shower.

"Blackrat. Do us a favour mate and keep dog while i have quick one off the wrist mate"
"No probs" i said. "I'll wait outside and give a shout if anyone comes along".

I sat outside having a fag when i saw our troop OC bimbling in my general direction. Not wanting to attract attention, i tried to look busy, which is a bit difficult when wrapped in a towel with a smoke on the go. Just my luck, he came right up to me.

"Alright you thing? What are you up to?" said the Lt.
"Smoking Sir. About to get dressed Sir" stated JL Blackrat.
"Good man. I'll just have a looksee in the lines to see that all is ticketyboo then"


I pressed my ear to the door and could hear my oppo leap to attention. "Carry on" i heard the boss say and i saw him exit the room rather sharpish. I stuck my head around the door to see my mate happily beating away like Gene Krupa.

"What the fuck! What are you doing?" I said. "What the hell did the boss say?"
"He said carry on so that's what i'm doing"

There is no arguing with this logic. Mind you, he would knock one out at every mealtime without fail. He must have had a schlong like a stick of pepperami.
Fcking shy old cnuts the lot of you. One of you at least must have an agreement with your mucker to mutually massage each other's prostate to the nirvana that is a flaccid orgasm.

It's not gay, it drains the pipes to the point where you noticeably lose weight, and there's no risk of your mate catching you at it because he's got his thumb up your ricker already. In addition to which you require no porn, and only about 15 seconds of time.

I thought you lot were depraved. Turns out you're all fairies.
We had an MCDO called "Knocker" White,a fitting name for one who would crack one off with his bunk light on and you always managed to walk in the mess square which was in black lighting to catch the second that the mag would drop and his head would drop back,dirty git everyone else managed with the lights off after looking thro the porn why not him? I know it was only the shadow you saw but still not right!
A few moons ago young Boxkicker was happily sleeping through an off watch, when the sound of raised voices was heard just outside the bunk curtains. Being a nosey fecker Box has a look see out of the bunk curtains to find, young LT X standing in the gulch with bunk light ablaze, and matress held aloft. Now LT X had been trying to retrive somthing or other stowed under his pit, but on lifting his pit with his light now shining brightly, he is greeted with the sight of LMEM Y mid thrap wank rag draped over his large mid section and the words ringing in his ears "F*** off Tosser".
LT X for some reason had a rack change too sweet, i recon it was to stop LMEM Y from wiping his white an sticky over his kit.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Here's a story about my mucker, who shall be known as "B" for persec reasons.

B was out on his rebro (comms det) on some Ex or other in Germany, and was on the night shift. B was a devo of the highest order and at approx 0600hrs, decided he would take his thrap mag for a walk, under the cover of "checking the generator". He calls zero to inform them he will be off watch for approx figures 15 and disappears to where the gene is located. B drops his combats and scuds, places said material on the flat part of the gene and rubs away like Ray Mears trying to make fire. All too soon, B reaches vinegars and spaffs partly into a tissue. Something makes him look up and he finds himself staring into the eyes of a large dog who is around 10 metres away from him. Looking behind the dog, he sees a middle aged Frauline staring at him, looking shocked. Never one for being embarrassed, B shouts over "Morgen" to said female while waving his jizz covered hand. Frau Himmler, appalled, ordered her dog away from this foul beast and popped smoke like the genie from the lamp, no doubt wondering how they ever lost the war.
BoxKickerSubs said:
A few moons ago young Boxkicker ....
You forgot to mention that the young Lt needed to get his white shirt from under his mattress so that he could dine in the bunhouse. He failed to get his shirt, and was too scared to go back, so, traumatised, he hid in the cabspace and missed scran.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
When i was married to Mrs Blackrat I, i went around to one of my mates houses for a few sherberts. There were a few of the lads there and the lad whose house it was, was also known as the porn/thrap King of west London. You name it, this bloke had it. After i had partaken rather heavily of beer, i asked him if i could borrow some one handed viewing material, as Mrs Blackrat I never did appreciate my amorous advances when i was pissed. "Fill your boots mate" i was told. So i did.

On arriving to casa Blackrat heavily laden with Frankie Vaughan, i did the check to see that Mrs Blackrat I was in the land of nod. She was out as if she had been punched by Tyson. I knew this for a fact because i waved my hampton in her face and there was no reaction (if she was pretending she would have said something like "Fuck off you drunken tosser") and i went through her purse for money (women have a built in alarm for this sort of thing).

Downstairs, i put in a DVD. I forget what it was called. Something like "Blonde big boobed girl gets rifted by three well hung hombres and seems to be enjoying it as she is making all the right noises". Being pissed, this was the best grot flick i had ever seen. I lay back, little Blackrat standing proudly to attention, and got into a rhythm not unlike a Spanish guitarist.

The next thing that happened was i was being shaken awake by a very annoyed looking Mrs Blackrat I. I had no idea where the smeg i was to be honest.

"You filthy fucker. What the hell do you think you are doing?"
"What do you mean" Says i trying to brass it out. "I've fallen asleep watching TV that's all"
"Oh really? Then why are your trousers and boxers around your ankles, porn on the telly and harry monk all over you?"
My response? "I love you". Needless to say it didn't work. Neither did me throwing up all over the stairs the next week due to a dodgy pint (ahem). The marriage ended not long after. Can't think why.
Control room black lighting on an Oboat at PD,panel watchkeeper called Taff L.....,believe he is a copper now,used to crack one off in his ovvies pocket. Traversing from forward to aft end of S/M involved going thro the C/Rm due to it being the only deck. There was a vent trunking all way through the C/Rm just above your head that if you put your hand on you could get all the way thro without eyes adjusting to black lighting,and of course with the OOWs permission.
Taff was safe in the knowledge that if he wiped said liquid over your face as you passed thro,you would not know who did it and get dragged out of the C/Rm screaming like a girl because it was all over your face!


Lantern Swinger
Hq1 Watchkeeping. Silent Hours. Phone call comes in for Clubz from Mrs Clubz. Explained the silent hours no pipes but as my relief had just turned up I would go and shake clubz if required. Yes please says Mrs Clubz. Not megga urgent but can he phone before I go to work at 0600. Duely go to Clubz, mess in darkness. Pull back curtain to find clubz knocking one out. The guy never even missed a stroke. "Tell her I'm having a [email protected] and will phone her in 5 mins". Message passed to Mrs Clubz who just said "ok".
Ships cartoonist informed and a picture of clubz, gland in hand with the caption "This position - ready" appeared in the next edition of the shps mag. Went to Clubz house for a few wets some months later. Original cartoon signed by the artist on the memorabillia wall in the Garage.

Apples mate, total respect.
pugfrom83 said:
Hq1 Watchkeeping. Silent Hours. Phone call comes in for Clubz from Mrs Clubz. Explained the silent hours no pipes but as my relief had just turned up I would go and shake clubz if required. Yes please says Mrs Clubz. Not megga urgent but can he phone before I go to work at 0600. Duely go to Clubz, mess in darkness. Pull back curtain to find clubz knocking one out. The guy never even missed a stroke. "Tell her I'm having a [email protected] and will phone her in 5 mins". Message passed to Mrs Clubz who just said "ok".
Ships cartoonist informed and a picture of clubz, gland in hand with the caption "This position - ready" appeared in the next edition of the shps mag. Went to Clubz house for a few wets some months later. Original cartoon signed by the artist on the memorabillia wall in the Garage.

Apples mate, total respect.
Said Apples from a 23 beginning with M? If so I do remember hearing many many stories about him being caught refreshing his meat in the killicks mess and he would not even bat an eyelid.