Cat Problems

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by chatsharris, Oct 26, 2011.

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  1. Right, here's an interesting problem.

    On the way back from the last trip I had heard that we had taken in a kitten. Not too much of a problem, I was told he was well behaved and was toilet trained instantly.

    Since I've come back he's been a cnut. He has eaten through all of the gfs earphones (Not too much of a problem), he keeps trying to eat the sofa, he tries to eat the other two cats scran and he's managed to convince Jack Bastard (the dumb muscle cat) to do all his shit for him like opening the kitchen door to knock over the bin.

    What should I do about him? Do I make him wear a helmet, or do I make him see life inside a sack?

    Must go, he's eating the sofa again!
  2. I should add now, his rope climbing drills are impressive (Albeit on the net curtain)...
  3. Ageing_Gracefully

    Ageing_Gracefully War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Don't worry, he will soon have you trained to his ways!!!

    You are doooooomed!!!!!!!!!!!!
  4. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    The wee bastard is doing the right thing in trying to destory that trampy window dressing. Bin the fucking Mrs and keep bagpuss would be my advice!

    If you PM me your address I'll send round a couple of my muckers. They adore cats but hate pussies.

  5. Chatsharris, (hereafter to be known at RR as 'Cats' Harris)

    Simples - Contact Welchyy for a straight one-for-one swap:


    You sofa will remain forever safe and you will gain yourself a personal Careers Advisor.
  6. Feed your bigger cats separately, so that there is nothing left for him by the time he finds their dishes.

    Check to see how much food a kitten of his age should have, he might need more than you are giving him.

    Find something which kittens find entertaining like a ball of wool so that he loses interest in your sofa.
  7. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    'Cats', ignore Mother Teresa. Employ witsend's free and easy three step solution to pussy problems.

    1. Scruff of the neck.
    2. Front door.
    3. Big toe.
  8. Ignore Wits.
    These steps will work, when he's doing something naughty. If step No 1 fails proceed to No 2 and so on.

    1. shoot with water pistol
    2. shoot with BB gun
    3. shoot with air rifle
    4. shoot with shotgun (to quote Jasper Carrott "blow it's bloody head orf")

    No 1 normally works, No 4 definitely works.
  9. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    Ah but Wrecker, my method works on different species without being banged up.
  10. Only if your caught Wits.
  11. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    What would they call you?

    'The Plymouth plunger' or 'The Guz gripper'
  12. I like the Guzz Gripper, reminds me of grippo's on runs ashore.
  13. wal

    wal Badgeman

    Apart from the head a cat when cooked looks very much like a rabbit. So if all else fails I have a pot standing by, with some onions and carrots and a dash of Maggi sauce.
  14. Throw a bucket of water over him, Ive always found a wet pussy is more accommodating..
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2011
  15. Seaweed

    Seaweed War Hero Book Reviewer

    Cats have a different number of ribs from a rabbit. For this gem I am indebted to Evelyn Waugh who learned this as part of instruction in 'How to Tell Meat' when he was training as an RM Officer early in the war.
  16. wal

    wal Badgeman

    .......and also remember not to serve up the tail.
  17. Fed the Mrs cat 3 doses of worm powder in one wack haven't seen the cnut for a couple of days hope the manky scrawny fucker got run over by a juggernaut whilst his guts were being ravaged by stomach and anal cramps
  18. Mk1 Steaming Bat in a swinging motion worked for me.
  19. Trust me, we've tried everything with keeping him separatred from them at meal times, but the little asshole always finds a way!

    I would happily toe punt him out, but two people we live with think he's ace...
  20. Each time your kitten does something wrong you have to take the following steps:

    (1). Drop down to HIS level and say "NO - BAD PUSSY!" in a firm and clear voice
    (2). Wrap the kittens head in a couple of metres of Clingfilm and then place the
    kitten in the area of his wrongdoing (i.e. attach him to the net curtains,
    halfway up), and leave him there for a minute of each of his years.
    (cat years are approx 5yrs as opposed to ours, so hanging about on a
    pair of ripped net curtains, gagging for breath should reinforce the message
    that what he/she has done is WRONG and it'll soon get embedded in its brain.)
    (3). If said pet has not expired and fell off - disentangle kitten from wherever
    it made the mistake and unwrap its head, therefore allowing the little c*nt
    to breathe once again.
    (4). If, on the other hand - it's dead, place in two supermarket carrier bags
    and leave in the *Normal Waste* bin for collection by the local authorities
    on whatever day they collect stuff that cannot be recycled.

    Kindest Regards,

    The Cat Whisperer.

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