Call up Papers


War Hero

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the British/American Conflict with Iraq.

You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion of the Queen’s Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The Regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one-way trips to Iraq with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly advised to take advantage of this offer (Ryanair also do a nice little £39.99 one-way trip).

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years, it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

* Tins of Spam
* Combat trousers (preferably khaki ? but no disco camouflage)
* False moustaches
* Incontinence pads
* Gas mask or canary
* Map of the combat zone (O.S. 1:2800 leisure map of Iraq is suitable)
* Travel Scrabble (for long hours in barracks while Generals hit schools and hospitals with "smart" bombs
* Condoms
* Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to purchase a Tank (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).

We should like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War pension of ?3.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you should hire videos of the following films and try to pick up as many tips as you can whilst you watch these films:

* The Guns of Navarone
* Blazing Saddles
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge Too Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Mary Poppins

Yours faithfully

G Hoon
G. Hoon Ministry of Defence