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Burns Night in the mess.

I have my first Mess function next Friday, what can I expect and any tips?

Make sure the port does not, I repeat not touch the table.

Be the first to get your fingerprints on the silver.

And just go for a piss if you need one, only losers and crabs ask permission.


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Remember to stand for the loyal toast and just start to eat as soon as it's in front of you.


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I have my first Mess function next Friday, what can I expect and any tips?


th
....plenty of 'one liners'.....and lots of cigar smoke....:toothy7:
 
If you get a bit warm take your jacket off. It ruins the night if you get too hot.

Make sure you take your plate to the potwash when your done, don't want to face a port fine for having a dirty plate in front of you.

Also when the top table leave, follow them otherwise you will be bored witless by some junior PO who's been stitched up to tell you some jokes and witty dits.

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Last edited:
I was in a similar position in 1981!!!!

Only I didn't get to enjoy the night.

2100, phone call from air operations. STOP DRINKING!!!! (It's bloody Burns night FFS). Get yourself a room and get your head down. You lift off at first light!!

Some bloody first mess do!!! Hope yours runs smoother than mine.

As for a tip.

Turn up get bladdered and make an impression!!!! Does the SR's mess cred the power of good as well as your own of course!!!!
 
I was in a similar position in 1981!!!!

Only I didn't get to enjoy the night.

2100, phone call from air operations. STOP DRINKING!!!! (It's bloody Burns night FFS). Get yourself a room and get your head down. You lift off at first light!!

Some bloody first mess do!!! Hope yours runs smoother than mine.

As for a tip.

Turn up get bladdered and make an impression!!!! Does the SR's mess cred the power of good as well as your own of course!!!!

First light in January is quite late. You had time to drink your own body weight and sober up! :)


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A quick guide to Mess Etiquette - may come in handy :)

1. ‘Top Table’ – Mess President, Guests and their hosts are collectively termed ‘the Top Table’.

2. ‘Ease Springs’ – Jackets may be undone but not removed. Heads may be visited. A time limit for the return to table is normally stipulated. (Also known as ‘Piss Break’).
3. ‘Pass the Port’ – The decanter is slid along the table from person to person. It is passed to the left only. When pouring, the decanter is to remain in contact with the table. A Lady (or Nav Queen) may not pour her own port; that duty falls to the man sat to her left.
4. ‘Port Station’ – The initial point from which the Port is passed. A wooden plinth is supplied for the stopper.
5. ‘Stopper In / Out’ – Port may be passed freely when the stopper is ‘Out’ of the decanter on the ‘Top Table’. When the stopper is ‘In’, the other decanters in circulation must have their stoppers replaced on arrival at a ‘Port Station’.
6. ‘Loyal Toast’ – The first toast with Port is to Her Majesty the Queen. It is the privilege of Royal Naval Officers and Men to remain seated for this ‘Loyal Toast’. All other toasts should be delivered either standing or seated as appropriate.
7. ‘White Rat’ – A keen-eyed individual with a respect for tradition who applies his senses to upholding the intent of Mess Dinner etiquette and protocol by identifying individuals’ misdemeanours and bringing them to the attention of fellow Mess Members. (Also known as ‘Grass’, ‘Bastard’ and ‘Anally-Retentive Snivelling Shit’).
8. ‘The Top Table will retire’ – On completion of after-dinner speeches all stand whilst the ‘Top Table’ retire to the lounge / bar. The Vice President then announces the ‘Fines’ for misdemeanours identified by the ‘White Rat(s)’.
9. ‘Fines’ – Traditionally a minor breach of Mess etiquette will result in the imposition of a ‘Fine’ of one bottle of fine Port to be consumed at the next Mess Dinner. Multiple ‘Fines’ may be imposed for more serious misdemeanours, such as punching-out the Maitre-D’. All ‘Fines’ to be sanctioned by the Mess President. (See below for a list of common misdemeanours).
10. ‘Fun’ – Traditionally the purpose of holding Mess Dinners. To be had at minimal expense, and never at the expense of others. (For ‘never’ read ‘seldom’, ‘sometimes’, ‘usually’ or ‘always’ as appropriate).
 

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