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Burns Night in the mess.

I have my first Mess function next Friday, what can I expect and any tips?

Make sure the port does not, I repeat not touch the table.

Be the first to get your fingerprints on the silver.

And just go for a piss if you need one, only losers and crabs ask permission.


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cjg375

Lantern Swinger
Remember to stand for the loyal toast and just start to eat as soon as it's in front of you.


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Flagdeck

War Hero
I have my first Mess function next Friday, what can I expect and any tips?


....plenty of 'one liners'.....and lots of cigar smoke....:toothy7:
 
If you get a bit warm take your jacket off. It ruins the night if you get too hot.

Make sure you take your plate to the potwash when your done, don't want to face a port fine for having a dirty plate in front of you.

Also when the top table leave, follow them otherwise you will be bored witless by some junior PO who's been stitched up to tell you some jokes and witty dits.

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Last edited:

Waspie

War Hero
I was in a similar position in 1981!!!!

Only I didn't get to enjoy the night.

2100, phone call from air operations. STOP DRINKING!!!! (It's bloody Burns night FFS). Get yourself a room and get your head down. You lift off at first light!!

Some bloody first mess do!!! Hope yours runs smoother than mine.

As for a tip.

Turn up get bladdered and make an impression!!!! Does the SR's mess cred the power of good as well as your own of course!!!!
 
I was in a similar position in 1981!!!!

Only I didn't get to enjoy the night.

2100, phone call from air operations. STOP DRINKING!!!! (It's bloody Burns night FFS). Get yourself a room and get your head down. You lift off at first light!!

Some bloody first mess do!!! Hope yours runs smoother than mine.

As for a tip.

Turn up get bladdered and make an impression!!!! Does the SR's mess cred the power of good as well as your own of course!!!!

First light in January is quite late. You had time to drink your own body weight and sober up! :)


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Waspie

War Hero
First light in January is quite late. You had time to drink your own body weight and sober up! :)


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I can tell you not know me.

A good sniff of bar maids apron and I'm anybodies!!!!!! I am the cheapest night out in christendom!!!! :D
 

RN (Ret'd)

Midshipman
A quick guide to Mess Etiquette - may come in handy :)

1. ‘Top Table’ – Mess President, Guests and their hosts are collectively termed ‘the Top Table’.

2. ‘Ease Springs’ – Jackets may be undone but not removed. Heads may be visited. A time limit for the return to table is normally stipulated. (Also known as ‘Piss Break’).
3. ‘Pass the Port’ – The decanter is slid along the table from person to person. It is passed to the left only. When pouring, the decanter is to remain in contact with the table. A Lady (or Nav Queen) may not pour her own port; that duty falls to the man sat to her left.
4. ‘Port Station’ – The initial point from which the Port is passed. A wooden plinth is supplied for the stopper.
5. ‘Stopper In / Out’ – Port may be passed freely when the stopper is ‘Out’ of the decanter on the ‘Top Table’. When the stopper is ‘In’, the other decanters in circulation must have their stoppers replaced on arrival at a ‘Port Station’.
6. ‘Loyal Toast’ – The first toast with Port is to Her Majesty the Queen. It is the privilege of Royal Naval Officers and Men to remain seated for this ‘Loyal Toast’. All other toasts should be delivered either standing or seated as appropriate.
7. ‘White Rat’ – A keen-eyed individual with a respect for tradition who applies his senses to upholding the intent of Mess Dinner etiquette and protocol by identifying individuals’ misdemeanours and bringing them to the attention of fellow Mess Members. (Also known as ‘Grass’, ‘Bastard’ and ‘Anally-Retentive Snivelling Shit’).
8. ‘The Top Table will retire’ – On completion of after-dinner speeches all stand whilst the ‘Top Table’ retire to the lounge / bar. The Vice President then announces the ‘Fines’ for misdemeanours identified by the ‘White Rat(s)’.
9. ‘Fines’ – Traditionally a minor breach of Mess etiquette will result in the imposition of a ‘Fine’ of one bottle of fine Port to be consumed at the next Mess Dinner. Multiple ‘Fines’ may be imposed for more serious misdemeanours, such as punching-out the Maitre-D’. All ‘Fines’ to be sanctioned by the Mess President. (See below for a list of common misdemeanours).
10. ‘Fun’ – Traditionally the purpose of holding Mess Dinners. To be had at minimal expense, and never at the expense of others. (For ‘never’ read ‘seldom’, ‘sometimes’, ‘usually’ or ‘always’ as appropriate).
 

RN (Ret'd)

Midshipman
And just to complete the education....

Common Misdemeanours

1. Incorrect attire.
2. Adrift for pre-dinner drinks. (Note: the last person to arrive is deemed to be ‘adrift’).
3. Farting at table.
4. Eating before the ‘Top Table’.
5. Leaving table before ‘Ease Springs’.
6. Not leaving table for ‘Ease Springs’.
7. Inappropriate conduct at table. (Including swapping wine / scran / spit).
8. Inappropriate conversation at table. (Including Skimmer dits / Abbeywood dits (OA) / T-Boat dits / anything to do with ‘toilet functions’ / Iraq dits / anything beginning with “when I was on…” / Vagrant dits).
9. Leaving the function before any invited guests or breakfast.
10. Drinking Port from the decanter / Steaming Bat / Oppo’s mouth etc.
11. Not having ‘Fun’ (See Definition above).
12. Puerile behaviour.
13. ‘White Ratting’.
14. The public display of any bodily fluid.
15. Ad Nauseum.
 
I'm surprised you've not been properly briefed. At the end of the first line of the tribute to the haggis, "Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face," it is considered compulsory to get to your feet, raise your glass and shout " Och aye, the noo!" Failure to do so will result in you having to pay for a round of drinks before being asked to leave the mess.
 

SONAR-BENDER

War Hero
I'm surprised you've not been properly briefed. At the end of the first line of the tribute to the haggis, "Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face," it is considered compulsory to get to your feet, raise your glass and shout " Och aye, the noo!" Failure to do so will result in you having to pay for a round of drinks before being asked to leave the mess.

As is the wearing of a ginger 'see you Jimmy' wig and hat combination.





Unless you are a ging ger, in which case you are exempt.



But will be fined.



For being a ging ger.
 
The RN celebration of the discusting offal pudding was introduced as a brown nosing sop to Admiral Dalrymple-Hay and all his contemporary Jock grunters. The Andrew will finally be able to get shot when the hairy, skirted northerners get to misrule themselves after 18th September 2014.

Sorry for the spelling error but a ****ing emoticon keeps usurping the correctly spelled word! Grr!
 
Last edited:

WreckerL

War Hero
Super Moderator
The RN celebration of the discusting offal pudding was introduced as a brown nosing sop to Admiral Dalrymple-Hay and all his contemporary Jock grunters. The Andrew will finally be able to get shot when the hairy, skirted northerners get to misrule themselves after 18th September 2014.

Sorry for the spelling error but a ****ing emoticon keeps usurping the correctly spelled word!
Grr!

Agree with that, can the CO's stop it happening, plus **** appears as asterisks again after it stopped doing that, has there been a change :dontknow:

For asterisks read fcuk but spelt differently, that's right fukc or something like that!
 
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