Britain's new navy

Discussion in 'Nautical Jokes' started by Darkershadeofblu, Nov 8, 2013.

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    The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
    Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS
    Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure
    from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
    The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS
    Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

    Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st
    century and comply with the very latest employment, equality,
    health & safety and human rights laws.

    The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with
    wheelchair access.

    Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce
    the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number
    of compensation claims.

    Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day
    and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

    The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in
    accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race,
    gender, sexuality and disability.

    Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in
    line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All
    the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and
    nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

    Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be
    allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager
    to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash";
    so out has gone the occasional
    rum ration which is to be replaced
    by sparkling water.

    Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include
    all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on
    request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of
    flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

    Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist
    and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All
    information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different
    languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be
    required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this
    applies equally to women crew members.

    The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the
    White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The
    Union Flag had already been discarded.

    The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned
    soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury
    Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She
    will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

    Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal
    immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south

    The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest
    in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to
    comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."

    His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules!"
  2. Yawn, this will be the third or fourth time this has been done.

    Actually, when I was on the T45 team we had MUCH better and funnier dits.

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