Brain farts.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by BillyNoMates, Mar 28, 2013.

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  1. Sometimes, your brain thinks up stuff that's utter wank. You think something
    in an instant....and it's gone.
    Before that thought vanishes into a wormhole - you now have the chance
    to write it down. They've got the hang of it over there:-

    Pointless and inane comment thread

    Now it's our turn.

    Keep quiet. I'm thinking.

    "I have probably changed about a zillion busted lightbulbs in various houses
    during my lifetime - but the bulbs in the fridges I've owned have never
    fu**ing failed......fu**ing good bulbs aren't they?"

    "How did the inventor of the very first ever spirit level get the fu**ing bubble sorted then?"

    "Anyone who likes bagpipe music should be executed."

    * * * * * *
  2. How did they build the first large crane?

    How did they make the first lathe?
  3. Who put the Cnut in Scunthorpe ?
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  4. If it takes a week to ride a fortnight standing up sitting down riding a bicycle
    backwards on top of a double decker bus, how long would it take a chimpanzee
    to pick up a knitting needle with a jar of jam?
  5. Why is a building called a building if it's already been built?
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  6. What? Me worry?

    I was driving home from the Nightshift at 06.15 this morning when I had
    this irresistible urge to run over a person with Downs Syndrome, who was
    dressed as a clown, shuffling down the middle of the road eating Jaffa Cakes
    singing "The wheels on the bus" in Latin.
    Funny what lack of sleep and too much coffee can do to ones thought processes.

    Fucked if I could find one though, so I settled for two cats and a shitehawk
    with its head stuck inside a discarded pizza box.

    Must wash the car when I get up.
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2013
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  7. I wonder what a hot cross bun with a fish cake inside would taste like?

  8. Ew, never try this, sounds absolutely butters!
  9. Who was the first person to milk a cow, and what did they think they were doing at the time?
  10. Good Friday treat - fixed that for you.
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  11. Why is there only one monopolies commission?
    • Like Like x 2
  12. Ah well since we are onto these older ones now . . .

    What evil bastard decided to call it a lisp??
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  13. Who put the bop in the bop de bop de wop.........who put the ram in the ram a lang a ding dong. :headbang:
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2013
  14. Which brain fart at the BBC decided to put Miranda Hart on TV, the ugly bitch is everywhere.
  15. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Why is water wet?
  16. I suspect the same reason Gin is dry.
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  17. Whoever came up with the quote"nothing is impossible" has obviously never tried to open a tin of beans with a banana.
    • Like Like x 4
  18. Taffscrivs, that is brilliant. I am pinching that for my forum signature!
  19. "You can never judge a book by its cover", they say.
    I just got one for my Kindle called *THE GREAT BIG BOOK OF TITS*
    Turned out it was a book on bird watching written by fu**ing Bill Oddie.
    I want my money back.
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  20. I went to Australia once with the wife to visit my brother-in-law and the wifes sister.
    They live in Perth.
    We went to the park for a picnic. Anyway - after several bottles of red, white and
    some crates of Fosters, he sent me to one end of the playing field while he went
    to the other and we spent about an hour trying to play "Catch the boomerang"
    Everytime he threw it at me...I almost caught it, but I think he was taking the piss.

    * * * * * *

    I once asked my religious maths teacher at school, what I should do when I
    grow up.

    "Go forth and multiply", said he.

    * * * * * *

    "Climb every mountain - ford every stream, follow every pathway......
    'till you find your fucking car keys"

    * * * * * *

    When this shift is over, I'm off home and I'm going to build a shrine
    in the spare bedroom in memory of Timmy Mallet. 'Course - I know
    he 'aint dead yet....but we can all live in hope.

    * * * * * *
    When total bollocks makes complete sense.


    [Outside Plymouth Argyle football ground. Off to an away fixture]

    The Team Coach arrived just as the Team coach arrived. The Team Coach coach
    driver stuck his head out of the Team Coach and shouted over to the Team Coach.
    "Coach! Can you help me and guide the Team Coach in please?"
    The Team Coach agreed and started to guide the Team Coach in.
    "It'll need a bit of coaxing coach because this Team Coach is a new Team Coach
    and and I've not used it before", said the Team Coach coach driver.
    The Team finally arrived and the Team Coach coaxed the Team Coach into position.
    "Hello Coach!", said the team as the Team Coach finally coaxed the Team Coach
    to a halt.
    The Team Coach coach driver thanked the Team Coach for coaxing the Team Coach
    into the Team Coach coach bay.
    The Team Coach spoke to the Team Coach coach driver.
    "Can you open the door to the Team Coach please so that the team can get on the
    The coach driver opened the Team Coach coach door and the Team Coach asked
    the team to get on the Team Coach.
    The Team started to do what the Team Coach had asked them and got on the Team
    Coach, while the Team Coach coach driver sat in the Team Coach waiting for the
    Team Coach to report that the team had all got on the Team Coach just as the
    Team Coach had requested.
    One member of the team stopped by the Team Coach, and he looked at the Team
    Coach and The Team Coach coach driver.
    "Sorry Coach - I really can't go on the Team Coach. I realise it's a new Team Coach
    for the team, coach but no amount of coaxing will coax me on to the Team Coach
    The Team Coach looked at the team that had already got on the Team Coach and the
    Team Coach coach driver looked at the Team Coach and the Team Coach looked at
    the last member of the team who had stated he wouldn't get on the Team Coach with
    the rest of the team.
    "Listen! I'm the Team Coach and I want you to get on the Team Coach with the rest of
    the team who are on the Team Coach there a problem?"
    The team member looked at the Team Coach, the Team Coach and the Team Coach
    coach driver before he answered.
    "I preferred the old Team Coach, Team Coach - it was my lucky Team Coach so I can't
    get on the new Team Coach because the new Team Coach isn't the same as the old
    Team Coach, and no amount of coaxing from you - as Team Coach will coax me on
    to this Team Coach with the rest of the Team, coach!"
    The Team Coach looked puzzled.
    "But it's the same team on the Team Coach that I've been coaching and they didn't
    need any coaxing to get on the Team Coach? The coach driver of the new Team
    Coach is waiting to get the Team Coach moving so get on the Team Coach!"
    The Team Coach coach driver started the Team Coach coach engine and started
    to coax the Team Coach away from where the Team Coach had originally coaxed
    it in to.
    The Team Coach looked at the Team Coach and shouted at the Team Coach coach driver.
    "Wait for me to get on the Team Coach, coach driver with the rest of the team!"
    The Team Coach looked back at the member of the team who still refused to get on
    the Team Coach as the Team Coach reversed out, driven by the Team Coach coach
    As the Team Coach jumped on the Team Coach with the team he yelled back at the
    team member who could not be coaxed to get on the Team Coach, either by the Team
    Coach or the Team Coach coach driver or the team on the Team Coach for that matter.
    "Fucking walk then! It's a long way from Plymouth to Blackpool!"

    * * * * * *
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2013
    • Like Like x 1

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