Bowel Admin

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Blackrat, May 31, 2010.

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  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Like most fellows, there is nothing i enjoy more than a good dump. There is something theraputic about emptying ones bowels while catching up on events in the current issue of FHM, The Times or whatever book i'm reading at the time. I would say that i am regular and have no complaints in this department or in relation to consistancy of turd. This is until i go around my mates house.

    For some reason, the minute i set foot in his gaff, i have this uncontrollable urge to vacate my bowels at speed, with alarming results. I quote three occasions:

    1. Stepped in the hallway and excused myself to trot to the karzee. Just made it and on my arse touching the seat, an explosion occurred. The noise made was the equivalent of someone emptying a bag of gravel into a paddling pool. The stench was god awful.

    2. Made it to the kitchen but then had to hot foot it upstairs as the tortoise was curious. Again, made it just in time and the sound was like a bowl of trifle being emptied onto a wooden floor or a packet of mince being chucked onto a hot car bonnet. Said poo was the consistancy of creamed fudge. As to the smell, quite frankly this appalled even myself. I actually considered setting fire to his towels to divert attention from the whiff which made mustard gas seem like dry ice.

    3. Was in his gaff for three minutes when i excused myself. On the pan, i passed a stool of such titanic proportions that as it was leaving my body, i actually went "Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh" out loud. The splashback was the equivalent of what Guy Gibson would have experienced when dropping his bouncer on the Mohne dam. Oddly enough, the smell was of hickory smoked chicken and my thoughts as i flushed this demon away was that when that gets out, it will be a danger to shipping.

    Does anyone else have this problem when they visit someones house or when they are in a location other than their own home? This is bugging me and my mate has stopped inviting me round.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. I have this problem round my parents house and at the start of a drinking night, step into bar get a pint need a dump.
  3. Not a mate but an ex girlfriend. Met her and her parents who were staying at the Queen's Hotel in Southsea while I was at Dolphin.

    Invited to their home in Clitheroe for a week in the Summer of 1969 and sat watching the men's final at Wimbledon on the TV. All Aussie final. Mum and Dad were shopping in Blackburn. Tried to remove her underwear to no avail so went upstairs for a consolation dump.

    The pain on passing the Torpoint Trout was indescribable. Similar to childbirth I should imagine, accompanied by a burning sensation akin to crapping hot mercury. The smell was not a problem as they had a spray. What was lying in the bowl was.

    It had the length and girth of a pensioner's arm and I realised that I had a life-changing problem as I flushed the loo for the 1st time. The water backed up to near the top of the bowl as I heard the steps of the girlfriend ascending the stairs enquiring if I was OK. Reassuring her I was, I tackled the beast with the loo brush, managing to break the brush in half.

    I bottled it, pondered 'escape strategy' and quickly packed, and legged it to the bus station. No great loss as I still had much groundwork to do before getting my leg over. Never heard from her again which was strange as I was expecting a plumber's bill at the very least. Would never happen now of course as I would blame the old man for leaving it.
  4. It happens to me all the time, to the point that I now make a gesture by buying them toilet roll every now and then. I'll be knacked if I'm buying them any Oust though, if they don't buy it themselves I'm not going to help them get rid of my scent.
  5. Off topic slightly, but I did once have a girlfriend that was petite and polite. But [email protected] me, when she dropped her handbag it was as if someone had emptied the entire contents of the Bangladeshi sewers into the room. Not really a bad problem until we went to parties. After a few glasses of the old vino she would invariably go onto lager, which gave her chronic wind. No-one could believe this cute young thing could possible emit such a fowl stench and invariably she got away with it. So it anyone from the Luton area was ever at a party in the early 80's, and wondered who dropped that one. It was Vanessa.
  6. A good friend of mine once brought a girl back home with him, both had been on the lash quite severely. Once they had done the dirty work, they fell asleep. Around 5am my friend awoke to an acrid stench of what he thought was an open sewer. Checking himself thoroughly, he realised he was not the culprit, and thus moved onto checking the toilet for creeping turds, alas there was nothing in it. Baffled, he went on a search through his room as to find the cause. He noticed the smell was far worse as he approaced his bed, where the girl lay. Worried, he quietly pulled the covers off to find a damp brown goo at the base of the lass's dress. After the sight had finally registered that she had actually drunkenly shat herself midsleep, he started to shake, and left the room. Unsure as to whether he should wake her up, he went for a walk, and as he returned the girl had run off, never to be heard or seen of again. Anal after a curry night may have been a bad decision.
  7. So coming up the line in '69 I stopped and picked up a hitch hiker who was making her way home after the Isle of Wight pop festival Freshwater 69.
    Being a gentleman after I fuck her at the Oxford services, I invited her up homers as my folks were away on holiday.
    We had copious amounts of sexual intercourse over the weekend, and a fair bit of shagging as well, and on Sunday night before starting back to Pompey I took her to the train station at Birmingham New Street.
    The next weekend I arrived home at about 8pm and was intercepted on the drive by my old man who was to say the least irate looking.
    He tells me mum is not a happy chicken, as they have arrived home about 2pm to a house that stunk of shit.
    It turns out that the dirty bitch I have been porking has curled one down in the spare bedroom on the floor and one in the oldies room.
    It was payback for entering the "back door" without knocking.
    How do I know? well she left a note on their bed saying "tell your son anal without grease is painful, so is the smell of stale shit" 8O 8O :oops:
  8. Ungrateful Wench!!!! Should have shit on her while ya had the chance
  9. The husband dies and the wife calls in the co-op to do the business and put him in the chapel of rest. When his carcass is collected they notice he has died with a boner. They ask the wife for instructions and she tells them to remove it, and tuck it between his bum cheeks.

    On her final visit to the chapel, she leans over the casket to kiss him goodbye and notices a tear trickling down his face. She bends over and whispers in his ear "See I told you it fcuking hurt!"
  10. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    What can i say? I usually have my more spectacular movements after a week in the field eating nothing but compo. The last compo cable i laid was purchased by Shell so they could run oil through it, that's how big it was.
  11. oh well the conversation has gone to shit. :D :D but After a salad I get the most terrible anal explosions follow by the brown pebble dash and the stench would make a goat puke its ring.
  12. I went weekenders with my mate John, he was seeing a new bird from our neck of the woods, she had invited him and me to her parents house, little party to welcome us, huge house, old rectory of some kind as Daddy was a local bish. We arrive on the crunchy gravel drive, pull up the ties and do up blazer buttons, in we go. John has been baking one all afternoon on the way up from Pompey, he's got the Turtles head so he makes his excuses and tiptoes upstairs to unleash hell. After birthing a thing so large it wouldnt flush, he tries multiple times to get rid. Eventually he has to grab it and roll it up in some bog roll, no bin so he opens the little window and pushes it out to its fate in the grounds. Washes hands and joins us downstairs in the conservatory for drinks. Only problem is Im lying on the floor going purple, sweating and crying, making noises like a troop of girl guides approaching orgasm. The little package landed on the conservatory roof, where it proceeded to unravel itself and reveal its true nature, mercifully not leaving much of a trail as it rolled to the guttering. Even the bish managed to laugh about it, but the mrs and daughter weren't quite so chuffed. We went clubbing in town and pulled, so it wasn't such a bad move after all.
  13. Sinkers v Floaters; what the Royal Navy discovered.

    It's been said correctly that "the only thing we learn from history is we don't learn from history". British Surgeon Captain T.L. Cleave years ago told the world that fiber cured the constipation of his crew and helped to prevent many other diseases.

    Cleave proved it by giving unprocessed bran to constipated sailors aboard the British battleship King George V.

    Later, Denis P. Burkett, a British doctor, focused his attention on stools. He discovered while working in Africa that the stools of Africans were three times the size of those living in Europe. That often these large, soft bulky stools floated. And that their food also passed through the intestines 3 X faster.

    Cleave stressed that man, by trying to outwit nature, had set himself up for a multitude of medical problems. The main culprit? The invention in 1870 of the roller mill! This allowed us to separate wheat grain and make refined white bread. The roughage discarded became feed for animals. They got the best deal!

    But how can consuming 30 to 35 grams of fiber a day help to fight constipation, hemorrhoids, obesity, diverticulitis, appendicitis, large bowel malignancy, diabetes, high blood cholesterol and heart attack?

    Common sense dictates that soft stools, passing quickly through the bowel, are beneficial for the intestines. Less strain with a bowel movement decreases the risk of hemorrhoids. Burkitt also found that appendicitis was rare in Africans who consumed a high fiber diet.

    Softer stools and less straining also results in decreased pressure in the large bowel. This means there's less chance of causing diverticulosis (small hernias of the colon).

    Speedier bowel movements fight cancer of the colon. If you're constipated, carcinogenic substances have more time to act on the intestinal lining.

    There's also some evidence that people on high fiber diets have lower cholesterol levels.

    What is rarely stressed is that a high fiber diet helps to fight the nation's # 1 disease, obesity. Fiber, apart from the vitamins and minerals it contains, has little caloric value. By filling the stomach it also decreases the hunger reflex.

    The fight against obesity also decreases the risk of diabetes, hypertension and heart attack, three major killers.

    My apologies to readers who developed sinking feelings and stiff necks. But if we all had floating stools our country wouldn't be spending so much money on needless medical costs.

    W. Gifford-Jones M.D
    • Informative Informative x 1
  14. Bergen, you don’t seriously believe that your post will dissuade Blackrat from unleashing his faeces from hell do you? 8O
  15. Not for a moment. Blackrat's posts simply confirm what Royal Marines have long suspected. After a week in the field Pongoes are full of shit :bball:
  16. Blackrat should have a long and healthy life, all pongo's are soft shite :wink:
  17. Only after a week in the field? :?:
  18. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Indeed. It's also great fun to unload said shite into the pouches of a booties webbing. It's endless fun watching a Royal run through his empty mag IA and load one of my specials onto his A2. It brings a new meaning to the obstruction IA.

    Bitch. Get back in the barrel.

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