Blocked up

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Jenny_Dabber, Mar 9, 2010.

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  1. So, my neighbour comes over for a cuppa and proceeds to inform me of how 'blocked up' she is and how she hasn't had a [email protected] in 3 days.

    She asked me for my advice, purely 'female' talk and was shocked when I proceeded to tell her that anal sex would sort her sh*tting, or non-sh*tting issue out. Safe to say, she won't be coming back to me for advice, phew :roll:

    So come on lads n lasses, what advice would you kindly pass over to someone who is constipated?

    Open floor..............
  2. 12 pints and a Magmaloo should do it. :violent3:
  3. I thought you were talking about something else like!
    My neighbour had the builders in and one asked if he could use the bog,well he left a "Plumbers Choice Growler" that wouldn't go so she had to get her husbands long screwdriver to break it's back!
    Now my wife lets no-one use the bog except us.
  4. No real answer to your question, but that was interesting to read.

    I was under the impression that it (up the arse) didn't have a whole bundle to do with potential *ahem* movements until a little incident about 20 years ago. It was 'her' idea so I did as I was told but upon rolling off put my hand in something squelchy. She said it was just the 'wet patch' but I pointed out that some of the 'wet' was solid(ish). Cue a swift exit of an embarrassed barmaid never to invite herself back to my place (I wasn't that bothered and mildly amused to be honest).

    So, never having been on the receiving end of such an act, why is it that it only sometimes has that effect?
  5. Dunno but if it's anything like after giving birth, the lass losses some control over her 'bum' muscle area and woooooosshshhhhhh out it comes :oops: :oops:

    I wouldn't know, I'm a lady and don't sh*t
  6. stick one of them torpedo things up your hoop apparently they work couldn't really say if they do or not, im quite regular myself... as they say you could set a clock by it.

    if not eat about 3 raw chilli's that would get something moving!

    But being the daring man i am give me her address and i will gladly help her out with the ummmm anal thing..just doing my duty and all that
  7. I'll send her round to see the RR lads then :wink:
  8. 4 plumbs and 3 bananas. Eaten, not crammed up your dot.
  9. The last baby I delivered pushed its lovely little head out only for her mother to crap on the poor little sods face. Childbirth. You can keep it!!!
  10. Think about it in a DC sort of way - if you have a narrow pipe, push something up, pull it back a bit, up a bit, back a bit - repeat continually you will create a bit of a vacuum, which will suck anything further up the pipe back.
    Pumping and flooding !

    Well, that's put me off my breakfast :(
  11. That would probably work as well though.

    I personally wouldn't know about this as since leaving the mob and becoming rich, I pay people to extract my shit with a high pressure hosepipe once a week.

    I'm far to posh to suffer the indignity of sitting on a bog.
  12. Could you chuck some of that dosh my way please? As a lady, I shouldn't have to go through the stress of pooping :wink:
  13. She could always use a Dyson as the advert says "No loss of suction" wherever you stick it. If it works they could use that as part of they're advertising campaign.

    Best to keep an eye on the dust collector bit so when the poo stops you stop the machine otherwise you might see your entrails whizzing around.
  14. Eight Guiness' and a dodgey kebab and the morning after your lucky if you don't prolapse.
  15. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Well there is a simple mathematical solution to this - tell her to work it out with a pencil... :twisted:
  16. Drop kick her with a size nine boot up the mud whistle, that should loosen the backup. ( might stove in the headwall tho' ).
  17. How about a 4.5" clearing charge?
  18. A D.I.Y. colostomy would be extremely effective. Quick
    hack'n'slash.....whack in a redundant vacuum cleaner
    hosepipe - attach (externally) to a large bin bag, thereby
    bypassing the arsehole altogether.

    Note: Do not put topped up bin-bags in the recycle bin.
  19. Take her credit card of her - that'll put her in a shitty mood .... trust me :roll:
  20. Falklands 1982 sorted me out

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