Blackrats Problem Page

Dear mrs blackrat,
For years now I have had a fetish that I have recently been told may well be developing into a full blown perversion.
You see I cant stop throwing my juice over pictures of my neighbour.
Having been recently outed by my oppo, he took the time to explain it could even be illegal.
I have tried to stop but find it very difficult so have decided to try at least to bring my fetish to a more acceptable level so that at least the pink and fluffy liberation front might even fight my corner.
It is with this in mind I will now update my pictures to those took after 1957.
Please help!!

Hi Blackrat,
I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife is cheating on me.
The usual signs, if the phone rings and I answer,the caller hangs up, she goes out with her girlfriends a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but after a bottle of Woods,I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night I hid in the shed behind my day fishing boat.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her knickers out of her handbag and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind my boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is this something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket.
Please answer soon, as the boys from the legion and me hope to spend the weekend fishing.

Regards, Rodgers.:confused2:
Dear Blackrat
To be blunt, I,m shagging my mates wife, last night before I dropped her off she told me he is organising a fishing trip with his mates and so she would be "available" all weekend, as you will understand this has got me pretty excited as I have never been fishing before, what should I wear.


Lantern Swinger
Book Reviewer
Dear Blackrat,

I had an unusual dream last night where I met MLP in person, we had a boxing match and he thrashed me.

I need your help with the following problems:

1) How do I thrash him next time?
2) Does my dream indicate that MLP is a closet bumder?
3) In my dream MLP was a ginger.
F.A.O. Blackrat, The house next door to me has been empty for yonks, but I've just found out that a Housing Authority has purchased it, and that they are going to convert it into a dozen bed-sits which will be used to house and rehabilitate 18 year old essence nubile girls who are addicted to casual sex. Will this blatant use of a private dwelling devalue my own property then? Oh....and how long does it take for a wifes body to dissolve in an oil drum full of H2SO4.Billy.
Dear Blackrat

I'm so ashamed that I don't even know how to start this, but here goes:

For quite a few years I've been secretly buying a publication every Saturday morning and I try to hide it inside such magazines as 'Trainspotting Today' and 'Dogs' Arses' but I always feel that people, especially my neighbours, are covertly watching me, being judgemental and sniggering behind my back.

I only get it for the TV guide but I feel so dirty whenever I buy the Daily Mail.

Please help me to overcome my dreadful stigma.
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Dear Blackrat,I need a quick bit of advice. I've got a dinner party tonight and I've ran out of hollandaise sauce to go with the starter. I've bulked it out as much as I can with my own... contributions but I'm still a little short. Is there any tried and patented way to choke a few more drops out of the old love milk dispenser or am I going to have to knock up a batch of thickers and hope for the best?
Mr Blackrat,

I have a bit of a problem with this:

One second I'm thinking "I could go for that" and then I thinks "What the fu*k am I thinking?"
Is there any medication available over the counter that can sort me out please?


Dear Blackrat,
For the past few weeks I have been waiting your response to a letter posted by someone else in this thread.
I needed to view your answer as it deeply affects my own life, and your response has not been forthcoming.
My problem is I keep loosing money in dreams when I bet on Jockpopye to thrash MPL and he keeps loosing. If he does not soon win, my dream bank account will be empty and my dreams will be worthless.
Also I need to know if MPL is ginger as I have long suspected. I keep seeing a ginger Muslim in a naval uniform spreading out a mat every sunset and praying.
There is nothing wrong with this you might say, but it interrupts my routine as it is in my bathroom.
So is it legal in Britain to kill ginger Muslims and claim self defence as they do in Israel?
And is it considered unlucky to do so, if I take the precaution of clutching my Cornish Piskie whilst doing so.
The last question you might be able to help me with although totally unrelated is:-
Why does the mobile fish and chip shop stop outside my house even though he knows I am on a diet?
Dear Blackrat
I recently received a note from my children’s nursery telling me they are no longer welcome due to their disruptive behavior, use of foul and abusive language and bullying of the other pupils, the note goes on to suggest I take them to a nursery on a rough council estate on the other side of town, this has come as a complete shock as this seems totally out of character and the uprooting of my children from familiar surroundings amongst their friends will cause considerable distress, the problem is, the headmistress has massive norks and I am on the verge of getting into her knickers, would I get help from the council with the kids transport cost to the new nursery.
Dear Blackrat,

Two of our penpals have (unknowingly) shared a close and loving relationship with a third party but sadly that third party has been less than candid with either of them with regard to age, consent and gender.

As a direct result they have fallen out rather badly; so much so that their spat has even spilled over onto a once-popular website, perhaps going even far beyond that.

Much as I’d wish this unfriendly, unwelcome and unhealthy situation to cease I fear that any direct intervention from those closest to them would only be inferred as interference and cause further distress.

With your wealth of experience in dealing with suchlike unseemly squabbles perhaps you can offer advice on how this rift can be healed with the least suffering to those involved and any others watching anxiously?
Dear Blackrat,

For a change here is a less frivolous question for you (and/or for any others prepared to offer sound advice).

Yesterday a good civilian friend informed me that his 16-year old grandson was applying to join the RN (specifically the Submarine Service).

Apparently, having already made an initial visit to the recruiting office, he is now 'awaiting a string of tests'.

Now I don't know this lad (and I don't expect to be wheeled in to tell him what fine arm of the Service he's opting for) but I have asked my friend to impress upon the youngster that he should be aware of the MOD's plan for all of our boats to be based at Faslane fairly soon (despite the SNP's declaration to shift them from there if they do get their wicked way at referendum time).

Beyond that I'd hesitate to add much more as all of the changes (in the RN as a whole & in boats in particular) reflect a far less attractive prospect to that which faced me when I joined at that age.

So in this situation (knowing that you deal with young persons of that age and understanding that todays younkers are usually internet-savvy enough to do at least a little Googling of their own) my question/dilemma is:

Should I, (through his Grandfather) advise such a young person to visit, or even join RR, among their researches or not?

If so, would it be appropriate to apply a couple of caveats:

ie advise him on the c/s's of some of the 'better' threads/posters with emphasis on lurking and searching first, etc?

The reason I'm dithering on this one is that whilst my friend is well-read and doesn't bother with the internet his wife does.

So I fear that my thin veneer of respectability & credibility could suffer a severe mauling should she, or her family, react to some of the riper content at RR, particularly if straying very far into the murk at DL's...

Having now put these thoughts into words I'm tending towards keeping schtumm but I'm still interested in what say you, BR (et al)?



War Hero
Book Reviewer
Ok good people. I have been a bit remiss of late. I will get back to you all over the next few days and answer your questions. I'm also looking for female volunteers to model in "Blackrat's Photo Casebook". No previous experience needed but you must be comfortable in front of a camera. And a cock.
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