Blackrats Problem Page

Zebraaa

Lantern Swinger
Maybe she was just hiding the latest Richard and Judy chavafest amidst the yeasty horror? I'm conflicted. On one hand I think people should have freedom to look a bit odd, on the other I have to look at it. I've tried not wearing glasses/lenses but at my prescription, it's not an option.
 

Blackrat

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
Zebraaa wrote;

I too have an etiquette dilemma. Returning to the changing room after a particularly grim workout today, I returned to the changing room intending to shower, then swim. Unfortunately, my plans were derailed by the thoughtless behaviour of my fellow female gym members:

1) One of them was shaving her bikini line in the shower. Am I being uncommonly prim in feeling that body hair removal (as with vomming) is best carried out behind closed doors, alone? I was tempted to either a) remove the blade from its casing and set about the saggy titted old crone b) attempt to covertly film it and market it as niche porn. Sadly, both options whilst satisfying would have resulted in at the very least the revocation of my membership. Not an option, none of the other gyms near me have a pool.

2) Another whale was sat, legs akimbo telling her (also naked) mate about a book she'd been reading. Apparently it was 'very accessible', which just screams 'Richard and Judy' Book Club' to me. The temptation to add 'like your sweaty minge' was eating away at me.

I can't not go to the gym, and my usual methods of blocking out the outside works (sunglasses, iPod, book) won't work here due to need for hands/cables getting in way.

How can I ensure that my fellow gym members don't further offend me?
Yours,

Traumatised and seeking refuge in cooking
Tricky this one. I'm a big fan of a nicely trimmed bush but have to admit, i don't want to see it being done. It's like making the mistake of waking up with someone you met the night before after having consumed too much alcohol. It ain't fucking pretty. The amount of times i've gone to bed with Bo Derek and woken up with Bo Diddley is horrendous. The trouble is, like a multiple car smash on the M1, you feel compelled to watch these sort of things. I think this woman was a massive lez and was trying to tempt you into her web so to speak. Luckily for you, you managed to resist and behaved in the correct way. Like the film "A Clockwork Orange", the best way of dealing with this is to become de-sensitised. You should attend my dunge...OFFICE and watch a course of lezzy films while i monitor your responses.

In relation to point 2, this is just wrong. If i wanted to look at a kebab, i'd have gone to Billy the Bubbles shop and ordered a Doner. The correct way of dealing with this would have been to put on a pair of steel toe capped boots and booted her right in the clack.

The best way of making sure that your fellow members don't offend you is to get in there first. A t-shirt saying something like "Fuck you, cunts" or "Don't look or talk to me, I've not take my meds" should do the trick. Failing that, just windmilll through the gym before you start your workout. You can claim that you were stretching and people got in your way.
 
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Blackrat I've been out of the Andrew for years but recently I've been having 'coffin' dreams again, would this
be caused by previous service in boats or is it because I'm getting old?
 

Zebraaa

Lantern Swinger
Solid advice all round, and next time I'm faced with ancient minge whilst going about my daily business I'll feel more confident in dealing with the situation in a constructive assertive and violent manner. However today's visit passed without incident (aside from an otherwise attractive man farting repeatedly, but I just moved and admired his lack of concern for the olfactory welfare of his fellow patrons). I'm taking a gas mask next time, which will go nicely with my 'Fuck you Cunts' top.

Unfortunately, I've now managed to upset 2 people by making fun of their hair. Can't win...
 

redmonkey

Lantern Swinger
Book Reviewer
Dear Blackrat,
I have a problem that I need your delicate and considered advice for.
I am colour blind and cannot tell the difference between red and green. Somebody has recently told me that my wife of 3 years is in fact ginger, as I said I am colour blind and thought she was green haired. To teach my cock a lesson I repeatedly slammed the fridge door on it. For some reason this turned me on more that my previously green haired wife ever has.
Is this normal, the fridge in question is a Siemens KG39NH90GB iq500 Fridge Freezer in chrome?
 
Dear Fuckwit, I suffer from that unfortunate condition called Tourettes Syndrome, which makes it hard for me to find a girlfriend. I have recently signed up and paid up front to attend a *Speed Dating Night* at the Nags bastard Head in Scarborough on Monday fucking night, but I am wanking worried that I will not be able to present myself and my enormous cock in a pleasant way in the two twat-arsed minutes that we have with each girl with a slippery minge-piece and I will end up fucking off home again on my own bollocks. Do you fucking know of any way I can control my cunting outbursts so that if I DO meet the girl-of-my-dreams that I want to spurt my jizzle all over - I can actually talk to them in a normal shit arse manner and tell them that I really am a sensitive person with a gaping ring piece. Yours desparingly, Norman Shit-Arse-Bollocks of fucking Whitby.
 
Dear Fuckwit, I suffer from that unfortunate condition called Tourettes Syndrome, which makes it hard for me to find a girlfriend. I have recently signed up and paid up front to attend a *Speed Dating Night* at the Nags bastard Head in Scarborough on Monday fucking night, but I am wanking worried that I will not be able to present myself and my enormous cock in a pleasant way in the two twat-arsed minutes that we have with each girl with a slippery minge-piece and I will end up fucking off home again on my own bollocks. Do you fucking know of any way I can control my cunting outbursts so that if I DO meet the girl-of-my-dreams that I want to spurt my jizzle all over - I can actually talk to them in a normal shit arse manner and tell them that I really am a sensitive person with a gaping ring piece. Yours desparingly, Norman Shit-Arse-Bollocks of fucking Whitby.

Try one of these.
images.jpg




Followed by one of these and no wonder you have no mates you foul mouthed bastard.

images (1).jpg
 
Dear Blackrat
I have decided on a career as a walt and cannot decide on what identity to assume, I am torn between a Japanese Admiral and a WREN officer, I’m leaning to the Japanese Admiral as I believe stockings and suspenders are uncomfortable, do you have any advice on what medals I could wear.
 
Dear Fuckwit, I suffer from that unfortunate condition called Tourettes Syndrome, which makes it hard for me to find a girlfriend. I have recently signed up and paid up front to attend a *Speed Dating Night* at the Nags bastard Head in Scarborough on Monday fucking night, but I am wanking worried that I will not be able to present myself and my enormous cock in a pleasant way in the two twat-arsed minutes that we have with each girl with a slippery minge-piece and I will end up fucking off home again on my own bollocks. Do you fucking know of any way I can control my cunting outbursts so that if I DO meet the girl-of-my-dreams that I want to spurt my jizzle all over - I can actually talk to them in a normal shit arse manner and tell them that I really am a sensitive person with a gaping ring piece. Yours desparingly, Norman Shit-Arse-Bollocks of fucking Whitby.
 
Dear Blackrat
You may recall ,I sought your advice on a career as a walt, specifically a Japanese admiral, I kicked off my new venture by attending, in full ceremonial uniform, a meeting of the Burma star association, I’m told the removal of the Pearl harbour commemorative star and clasp from my sphincter was successful though the hat and epaulets, pushed further up would have to be left to be passed naturally, as I was carried from the meeting I was told that as I’m over 6’ 6” and of Afro-Caribbean descent my choice was unwise, I have therefore decided to pursue my alternative choice as that of a WREN officer. Can tits be too big.
 
Afro caribbean decent eh?
I tell you white boy don't be walting as a black man on dis site. I is the forum nigbo and I will hit you all wich my Ju Ju stick ifn yous be a walting blackness wich is a very serioiuse offence. De white boys tink der bees toomuch de black boy around anyways and you be hated both sides. My chicken bones is predictin dinner was good......I mean de bones is sayin the omens is not bodin good for no white boy masque... being a dopple ga......tending to be black.

 
So I wasted my time learning the words to Camptown races.
We's all singin the newer hit Old man river.
An de white folks don't make no never mimnds bout us singin, they tink we's cute.
Dey still sayin the only difrance tween a bike and a buck is de bike dont sing old man river when you chain it up.
Honky white trash.
 
Great, I enjoy a good barby
Oh right from what you were saying about gay pride I thought maybe Ken would be more the vogue.:wink:


Edited to add, Bob wants my caravan, but he won't get preciouse. Nasty little hobbitsis, trixy as hell they is.
 
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