Blackrats Problem Page

Discussion in 'RR Greatest Threads' started by Blackrat, Dec 14, 2009.

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  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Due to an overwhelming demand (in my own head), i have decided to set up a problem page for all of you that need help. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved. No problem is too small.

    AlphaCharlie asked:

    "Dear Blackrat,

    Yeah, I've got a few fcuking problems!!

    Why do I get tourettes when my mrs makes me watch soaps?

    Why do I keep on swamping?

    Why do I want to smash chavs in?

    What are Wednesday's lotto numbers?"

    Hmm. Tricky. Let me take this in stages.

    "Why do I get tourettes when my mrs makes me watch soaps?"

    An obvious one. Soaps are created to assist us to escape from reality, but are based on real life events. However, who in their right mind would move to a shithole like Albert Square or Coronation Street? They are full of rapists, murderers, utter fuckwitts and doom and gloom with only one boozer. You get tourettes because you wish to inflict harm on those responsible for making this shit but as you can't do this, you swear. I advise that when soaps come on in future, start shadow boxing in front of the TV while singing "Eye of the Tiger" out loud. Your misses should get the message.

    "Why do I keep on swamping?"

    A usual occurance due to the distance one would have to travel to use the toilet in the wee hours and because of feeling cold. Go to bed with a hot water bottle and piss into that.

    "Why do I want to smash chavs in?"

    This is a normal urge. No different from fancying women, wanting to drink beer, or wanting to set fire to houses. This is not a problem and i encourage you to actively hit chavs. It is a little known fact that in law, you cannot be prosecuted for murdering a chav as they hold the same status as cockroaches, rats and members of the RAF.

    "What are Wednesday's lotto numbers?"

    Haven't a clue matey as i'm not a fucking psychic.
  2. I am afraid I have the most awful problem. I did not want to share it, but I think it would be helpful to get it off my chest.

    I am a TOG.

    Blackrat, is there hope for me?
  3. As he is leaving R2 to be replaced by a GWAR you do have a serious problem Rosina.
  4. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    A TOG eh? A TOG you say? What are you going to do when the big man goes off the air in the new year and that ginger Chris Evans takes over? It is a fact that Terry Wogan is the undead and a direct descendant of Lucifer himself. The proof is in the pudding. His charm, his soft Irish brogue, his wigs and the fact he has been on telly and radio forever. How is this possible? Only Bruce Forsyth has had a better innings and that is because it was proved he made a pact with the Devil and drinks Formaldehyde.

    You have been charmed by the highest form of evil and must resist. I advise you to listen to "Whispering" Bob Harris on radio 2, as he is the only known antidote to Wogan. All will be well in the new year.
  5. You're out of order, you've taken this too far, if it was down to me you'd suffer the same fate as Clown_Puncher. Comparing a chav to the RAF is massively disrespectful to chavs.

    For crying out loud sort your head out man!
  6. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Don't shoot the messenger, i'm only stating the law. I advise you go and put on Loose Women and knock one out.
  7. I would also like to know why I hate the crabs so much? after all I spent 9 years of a 23 RN career with the freaks. Please Black Rat put my mind at rest? I even hate then more than kopites, i'd rather eat my own earwax than watch them cnuts on match of the day!!!
    • Bullshit Bullshit x 1
  8. One just the fooking one???. I'd knock em all out. bunch of middle aged dried up spinsters. Knock em out, wake em, then knock em out again. Repeat untill nil signs of life are found. The fat Irish singer would have got it about 30 years ago and that's about it. Can't imagine anything worse than throwing a lump up Ginger [email protected] Evans Ex. The indignity of [email protected] something that has been binned by a GWAR does not bare thinking about.
  9. You do know he is not actually leaving don't you? He is moving to Sundays 1100 to 1300! We have already made arrangements to get tickets to see the recording of the show and there is a load of us going up on Friday to loiter outside Western House to say goodbye. I have plenty of tissues.
  10. If you run out of tissues I have an old "sock" you can borrow. Left the mob now so don't need it any more :)
  11. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Calm down dear fellow. I understand your anger and hate after having spent six months in the Falklands with the swine. What you are suffering is perfectly understandable. Let me try to put your mind at rest.

    The RAF have a bigger chip on their shoulder than ex Waffen SS members who survived the war. Admittedly, the RAF did a stirling job in WWII but have spent the subsequent years looking after themselves and generally shitting on the other two more worthy arms of the military. This is because the RAF, essentially, is staffed by vain, selfish cunts whose idea of team work is "First the RAF, second the RAF and third, The RAF". They are taught this in what they laughably call "Basic Training" where they are also taught how to look down their noses at people, how to always look smart and posh, and how to apply brylcream while driving a convertable.

    Content yourself with this old chap. No matter how bad things get in your life, no matter how low you sink, no matter what foul acts you might commit, you can take pride that you never served in the RAF. Before you go to bed at night, look into the mirror and say "I was in the Royal Navy i am therfore worthy" at least twenty times and you will sleep like a log. Alternatively, join an RAF club and shit in all the sinks.
  12. Thanks Black Rat you are the daddy!!!
  13. Dear BR

    I don't have a problem, I just wanted to let you know about my obession when I see Cheryl Cole I want to fill her mouth with my cock to stop her from talking.


    Thanks for reading
  14. We have a Airforce, Where are they then??
  15. how kind! Is it soft and fluffy? I fear there will much snivling!
  16. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    That is a problem as it goes. I can see where you are coming from, as from a distance she is attractive. However if you get close up, she has more crap on her face than someone with Scrofula and her foundation is thicker than an RAF mechanic eating a whale omlette. The only way of stopping her from talking is to place an HE grenade in her mouth and retreat to a safe distance.
  17. I fear Dear Rosie that it is neither soft nor fluffy. It will be stiff and semen encrusted and available in a fetching shade of venereal green. Don't let it poke you in the eye as you dab those tears.


    RM :roll:
  18. oh Bergie, surely not? Why would he offer me his **** sock? Some men are so vile!
  19. Even the mention of Wogan tends to bring out the worst in many people Dear Rosie.

  20. Blackrat:

    I'm trying to fit an ironing board in my suitcase to take to Dartmouth but I am having exceptional difficulties. I have already tried sawing it in half but it still won't fit and now my dog robbers are covered in sawdust. Please help!

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