"A woman with a Cat Fetish?, puts me in mind of the time we were ashore in Australia, way up north, wed dropped in for a spot of recreation from a Dhow i was delivering from The sultan of Oman, loaded with gold and jewels, to the Sultan of Brunei, we had gone slightly off course as Sailors often do, and decided to pocket some of the gold, there was so much, a little would never be missed, however, i digress. We went ashore and met this gorgeous creature, who offered, for a fee , to take us to her home to be entertained, she had to go there first to feed the cats, being Randy Mariners we coughed up the dosh and went to her place, fantastic, loads of booze, while we were knocking them back, she said that she would go and get changed into something simple, suddenly she appeared in the skimpiest costume you could imagine, and with her was her cats, Three ******* Bengal Tigers and two female Lionesses which ripped **** out of us, i was out of there like a shot, four of the crew were eaten alive, i managed to escape with half my face ripped off, i can look back on it now, sat here in the Duck and Sprocket with half my face missing, two wooden legs, no left arm and a patch where my left eye should be, drinking strong ale with my seafaring friends, some of them far worse off than me, and thinking to myself that i should give you young `uns some advice, if you meet any young women who have a liking for Cats, take this tip from an old seadog, Stay a ******* long, long way from them." Unquote

A wandered lonely as a broke AB on blank week in Sallyport bemoaning my bereft purse I met a young lady, a yuppie type, worked in the property market, who said "Jacquie" (This AB being the fruits of a Sailor of many moons past and a French Lady) "If you are at a loose end I need some assistance with my pussies. If you can help I will reward you royally"

Retiring to the Georgian Penthouse near the Cathedral I was introduced to the Pussies, Paddy a ginger tom, Phat Prat a Siamese, Bess a big old fat black cat and The-Matelot a grey. Now I need to box these four up as they are to be flown to the West Indies where my Partner has been posted as SNOWI. In fact if you are qualified small boat handler he requires a coxswain, you may be interested. Then I noticed a very small bulge in the front lower part of body pushing thru her silky dress. " perchance your picture was recently published on RR where a man was rubbing sun tan cream all over you". "Thats me she squealed" Fecking hell my mind raced, 5 years in the WI unaccompanied draft, my own boat, a possible win double in the over the side with the bosses partner stakes and all the pussy I could handle.

Should I take the offer or remain as the tea maker in the Parade GI's Office at Excellent where my submarine back ground made me as popular as a pork chop in a Synagogue/Mosque.

Please advise me Confused of Whale Island.

Dear Confused

As you have not been able to make an instant choice, I suggest you get your boots and gaitors on, draw a 303 from the armoury and accept the traditional Whale Island cure for indescision, twice rounf rhe island with the rifle at the slope. If you then can't see that anything would be better than making tea for a Parade GI then there is little hope for you.

The TIs Ghost