Best stuff that I have float tested / stolen / lost

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by SS-super-stoker, May 12, 2007.

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  1. As the standing of the RN is at all time low at the moment, lets show our resolve and bring it lower:

    Float test: Fuses for starting the engines of an aircraft carrier (mothballed).
    My goodbye present to the RN

    Stolen: Didn't mean to! Took a lifejacket home to show my dad, came back from on the piss and found he had cut it up for the strap! (He was even stranger than me).

    Lost: A water bottle, but the form said 'Lost-Armament' - so I told everyone I had lost an SA-80 - lots of street cred.

    Disclaimer to police / journos - all this is made up and simply written to look hard to my on-line chums.
  2. On Ark Royal in 1976 a Sea King ditched. It was winched back on board and the powers that be decided that some of the electronics equipment was worth trying to salvage. Now most of this equipment had been contaminated by salt water so it was decided that all salvaged equipment would be dropped into containers full of fresh water.
    Seems some young mechanic had removed an expensive bit of kit and asked his chief what he should do with it. Just throw it in the water was the answer. At this the mechanic threw said item over the side.

    Must be specific with these youngsters!
  3. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker War Hero Moderator

    It's bit clanky orientated this one,so bear with me.

    On Boxer, arrived alongside at Malibar, Bermuda. Detailed by Chief Elec to take Cathodic Protection readings. Something to do with electric & rust prevention. (Am stoker 'M', not 'L', so not too bright).

    The kit was a Reference Anode - "lump of plastic on a wire" and a Multi-Meter. You lowered the anode in the ogin at several set points around the upper scupper (marked with a deck tally), connected the meter and took a note of the wigglies.

    After a couple of dips the wire is wet & slippy. Yup, "Oops, better go & get another one then."

    Chief Elec goes ape, turns out the centre of the anode is actually solid silver- something to do with conductivity. "Costs bloody Farsands, you Cnut!"

    Good messmate is ships' diver: offers to recover it, as "it's a nice day anyway". He strips off in mess, gets his kinky rubber gear on & off he goes.

    Scrabbles around sea bed, finds cable-anode still attached & a couple of hired mopeds from last ship's visit. Back onboard, in mess within 30 minutes.

    "Where's my eights gone?" he asks me as he's changing. "Sorry mate" I reply (Am LHOM) "Had to scran-bag them for mess cooks. Never mind, I'll buy you a tin of Red Death tonight, Mate"

    Funnily enough, he remained a mate!
  4. 1st full day as Messman for 1H CPOs Mess, HMS Scylla, I started a scranbag because of the amount of kit left loafing. I felt like ditching it because I was astonished at the state of the mess.

    Later on, the Mess Pres approached me regarding the missing kit.

    "Sorry Chief, the scranbag doesn't open until 1630."

    Next day I was in the JRs' potwash.
  5. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker War Hero Moderator

    Spooky, eh?
  6. I couldn't understand why!

  7. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker War Hero Moderator

    Must confess to a similar cardinal sin:

    On Argonaut (stop me if you've heard this one...) passed selection board (similar to AIB, but conducted locally) duly appointed Aft Shithouse cleaner. First ship.

    CMEM inspects my work, reminds me that he'd told me to scrape the limescale off the insides of the urinals with a 2P coin. Crouches down, gets 2P coin from his ovies pocket & starts scraping: "There," he says "It's not difficult- are you completely stupid, or what?"

    "Well, you're the one with his head in the urinal, Chief" I replied.

    Six months is a long time spent cleaning lavatories. :lol: :lol:
  8. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker War Hero Moderator

    Bumpity, Bump!

    C'mon you lot what've imbibed, time to 'fess....
  9. Float Test: 9mm Browing and two full mags over the side of the Canberra just before getting off it. As it turned out I wasn't even searched so could have kept them. But then sods law and all that .....

    Stolen: While in 40 cdo in 70s. After a run ashore the lads were hungry so I climbed onto the roof of the galley and through the skylight and nicked a whole roast chicken, a joint of roast beef, a loaf and a tub of marge.

    Lost: All my dhobi on the bus when I fell asleep pissed and then got off at the wrong stop.
  10. Well lost was last Friday night HB? Sorry wasn't it??
    At least you pinched a whole chicken and joint of beef.
    Couldn't imagine the strife, if poloroid got a whisk that Morag had disappeared!!!!
  11. Lost: Found a catamaran drifting with a broken outrigger and a few of us were sent to assess and make minor repairs etc. I had a rigging set type pouch with my fluke and various other essential tools. Anyway, took longer than first though, I attached my rigging set to the boom of the cat and after an hour the RIB came back to get us for lunch. Whilst having lunch, the skipper increased speed whilst towing and capsised the effing thing, goodbye tool kit.

    Stolen: Beer, lots of beer. The canteen manager on this unnamed vessel used to store the beer in an old sonar compartment which was one of my parts of ship. There was a massive hatch that took a chain block (or 4-5 strong blokes) to lift and the beer was craned down into it. There was also a small access hatch with a massive padlock which gave can man access to the beer. Of course the padlock was unavailable, so being the problem solver I am, we used to go down, lift the main hatch between us and use my hammock (brought in brazil as a gizzit) to climb down into the compartment where I would build a set of steps out of beer crates until I had enough height to pass them up to the lads. Now THAT is the kind of practical leadership task they should have taught at Royal Arthur !!
  12. Float Tested: AAWO's cap....coz we hated him with a passion :evil:
  13. Seaweed

    Seaweed War Hero Book Reviewer

    A little bird (who became a vice admiral) told me that after the Fearless talks on Rhodesia a signed photo of Harold Wilson was thrown over the side. When this story got out it was queried by a high-classification Immediate signal. The answer was 'We wanted to see if he could walk on water.'

    This followed the Tiger talks when a sidekick went to the Commander and asked how many signed photos of HW would be needed for distribution. Cdr pondered for a millisecond and said 'One will do.' HW had stepped in to order the Wardroom to refuse an offer of a Rhodesian copper rose bowl as a parting gift from Ian Smith.

    More HW dits to order ..

    In an earlier Tiger commission the officers threw the Captain's Secretary over the side (because they didn't like him).
  14. G'day all

    I had just come out after 28 days pussers hotel in Terror.

    Sitting in the mess at tea time the first day back on board and at sea, this subbie comes in and say "ah Pingie", "I've decided to make you my cabin sweeper" I said WWWHHHATTT!!!! ME ?? that,s a junior seamans Fcuking job mate.

    He replies" This is a direct order from me, Leading seaman ****** you area witness to this order yes?? get my Dhobie dust from junior seaman ?????, and start tomorrow after you start work""

    Steam coming out of my ears, mates all looking waiting on me doing something to go for a longer visit to the Holiday Camp. I just said OK Sir. What do you want me to do, "usual he says, my dhobying, clean my cabin, make my bed, tidy up, polish my sea watch keeping boots".

    "You mean make it sparkle like it supposed to do, as per the QRand AI's you mean??".

    "He looks a wee bit startled but says yes that will be OK."

    "Next tea time he comes into the mess again wearing his cap, I politely asks him to remove his cap unless he is on official duty!! "Sorry" he says and he does so.

    "Why didn't you make my bed//", "Shit Sir I was too busy today, and I forgot but I'll do it tomorrow, I promise it will be cleaned like its never been cleaned before !![he never realised anything] :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

    Next morning he had the Morning watch I was in the ACR all afternoon, he comes in again at tea time, says "Well you have pulled the bed clothes up, but I cant find anything else, my towel, my great coat, my sword, my spare jacket etc etc et.

    "OHHHH. SIR", "I cleaned up as per your instructions, anything left lying around not secured firmly to anything, in a collision could float and block a pump and sink the ship" !!! :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

    "Well he said where did you put them ??" :?: :?: :?:

    " said I carried out your orders to make it to the standard that QR and AI instructions, for collisions at sea required, and collected all the offending rubbish, took them up to the quarterdeck and ditched them over the stern , anything that was not secured as per their (QRAAI's) and your own instructions !!! ". "Why did I do something wrong??" :?: :?:

    "Where's my telescope??",

    "Over the stern!!"

    "Wheres My sword??"

    "Over the stern!!".

    "That couldn't have blocked a pump, neither could my telescope!!",.

    "It could have collected the underwear, the towels the shirt and all the other old clothes that you must have left out so obviously for me to ditch ,as you didn't want them, so left them lying around for me to ditch. I thought that some of them were pretty good stuff to throw away, but your the Officer and if I hadn't done what you told me to do, I would have been in front of the Jimmy right now SIR !!!" and as you said I had to get the cabin as per admiralty instructions for gear left lying about and not secured for a ship at sea" SIR!!!..

    As he was my DO, he had to take me in front of the OOW, who gave me Jimmy's report. When I got in front of the Jimmy, he could hardly keep a straight face as he heard my story, then asked this subbie, if the gear was indeed just thrown over the back of a chair, or lying on top of his bed, or on the floor.
    I'm sure that he was delighted when he gave me case dismissed nothing to answer for.

    This was the subbie I had the run in when I kept picking up a long distance contact and he kept telling me it was anon sub. I told the story some months ago.

    So that was one of the best things that I gave a deep six too, I did have others ofcourse, :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

    regards pingbosun.

  15. Float Tested:
    An AB(Sonar) on Courageous, who was in a large bucket, hanging off a crane - industriously painting the outboard side of the fin.He shouts "Get that Jockanese Crane Driver to lower me a bit!" (I start to signal aforementioned Crane driver) - and lowered the grumpy little AB, his large drum of paint, brushes and the bucket he was in, into the Gareloch. He swam back to the casing dripping like a septic c**k! (If your reading this 'Tiny'.....sorry! ) :D
    Every AGR/Gas MAsk I was ever issued with
    All the Tunnocks Caramel Wafer biscuits that were ever stored by the Coxswain on a certain 'O' boat. Couldn't resist them....every box got re-routed into the W/T Office. Got fat and spotty :lol:
  16. Float tested:

    During MVS seamanship training - fire fighting at sea on board TS Earl of Romney - fit heavy brass spray jet nozzle to hose. Turn on pump... said nozzle under pressure of sea water flies out and splashes down in the drink! :oops: :roll:

    Impossible to retrieve. Result: Baby Seaman (yes, me) £50 the poorer! :(

    Moral of story: don't let AAC near a fire hose unless some one else has secured the nozzle first! :lol:

  17. I can , PMSL , :lol: 8)

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