Best Put down's

What is the best Put Down you have ever heard? You know the sort of thing " I've spent longer on the crest of a wave than you've been in the pusser son" That sort of thing. My own, well when I was a baby REM on Hampshire being told to EFF off cos the best part of me was the bit that fell down the shitter.
3 badge LS&GC killick cook had been giving a rough time to one of the baby chefs, came out with 'I was in the mob when you were in yer dads sack' to which the baby cabbage mechanic replied 'aye and if condoms were about when you were in yer dads sack you wouldn't be here' the hooky was speechless
"When your Dad was emptying his ball-bag, I was filling my kit-bag!!"

A certain CPOWTR delivering the good news to young T_A.

"You are about as useful as a condom machine in a nunnery"

same CPOWTR, same young T_A.

"You will go far lad, now Fuck Off so we can find out how far"

guess who.
One of the best-known was uttered by Sir Winston Churchill:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.â€
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.â€


Lantern Swinger
Heard this one on the radio a few weeks ago.

Police woman on her horse outside a football ground.

Fella wonders up and says "your horse is knackered". To which the police woman replies "If you had just spent the last 2 hours between my thighs you would be knackered too".
Much as the little dweeb irritates me, one of my faves was from Russel Brand, he hosted the 2006 NME Awards show.
Upon reaching the stage to receive his award, Bob Geldof began his speech with 'Russell Brand... what a cunt.' which later prompted Brand to strike back with; "Really it's no surprise he's such an expert on famine after all he's been dining out on I Don't Like Mondays for 30 years".

What a classic.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Naval_Gazer said:
One of the best-known was uttered by Sir Winston Churchill:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.â€
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.â€
And more:

A great statesman, a leader of a nation at war, hero to a generation and saviour of the British Isles, Winston Churchill was also a mean-tempered little man... Look at these:

Nancy Astor - If you were my husband, I would poison your tea.
Churchill - Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

Anonymous woman - There are two things I don't like about you, Mr Churchill - your politics and your moustache.
Churchill - My dear madam, pray do not disturb yourself. You are not likely to come into contact with either.

George Bernard Shaw invited Churchill to the first night of a new play, ending with 'Bring a friend, if you have one.' Churchill wrote back: 'Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend the second - if there is one.'


War Hero
Book Reviewer
These are for all the women who want a good put-down in response to some of the lame lines they're likely to hear in a bar, at work, on the bus, or anywhere really:

He - Can I buy you a drink?
She - Actually I'd rather have the money.

He - Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
She - Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

He - How did you get to be so beautiful?
She - I must've been given your share.

He - Your face must turn a few heads.
She - And your face must turn a few stomachs.

He - Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
She - Okay, get out.

He - What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
She - Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

He - Can I have your name?
She - Why? Don't you already have one?

He - Hey baby, what's your sign?
She - Do not enter.

He - If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She - If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

He - Where have you been all my life?
She - Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Muhammed Ali (some say the daddy of the put-down) once claimed that one of his opponents was 'so ugly, when he sweats the sweat runs backwards over his head to avoid his face!' - Simple. Beautiful. Classic. The following are some more put downs in a similar vein:

You're so fat you've got your own area code.

You're so hairy even Big Foot took a picture of you.

You're so old your social security number is 1.

You're so poor you go to KFC to lick other people's fingers.

You're so stupid you cook with Old Spice.

You're so ugly you tried to take a bath and the water jumped out.

Your teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when you smile.

Your house is so small you have to go outside to change your mind.

Your house is so dirty, you go outside to wipe your feet.

I believe your father was a boxer... and your mother a Dalmatian.

[In response to the sexist comment 'every woman has her price'] What was your mother's?

You're so spotty, blind people read you.

You're so skinny, that when you try to drink you fall down the straw.

Your family is so poor, that when somebody dropped a cigarette in your house, your momma sang: 'Clap your hands and stomp your feet! Praise the Lord that we got heat!'

You're so ugly, you make your momma look pretty.
Mate of mine and I used to stay in digs in Plymouth owned by a Royal Marine and his wife. They had a lovely daughter about 20 years of age. my mate tried to trap her. She said "Steve don't you think one arsehole in my knickers is enough"? I didn't stop laughing for a week.

Marine General was interviewed by a female reporter because the General was sponsoring Boy Scouts of Am. at his base.
Female reporter; Soooo General, what things are you going to teach these young boys who visit your base ?

General; We're going to teach them canoeing,climbing,archery,and shooting !

Fem. reporter; Shooting ! thats a bit irresponsible, isnt it ?

General; I dont see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

Fem reporter, Dont you admit that this is terribly dangerous activity to be teaching our young children ?

General;I dont see how.We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they touch a firearm.

Fem. reporter; But your equipping them to become violent killers.

General;Well ma'am, your're equiped to be a prostitute but you arent one, are you ?

The radio went silent and the interviw ended.You gotta love the Marines !!
During basic at Raleigh on the parade ground for training, G.I. pokes his stick into the chest of one of my class and shouts "there's a cnut at the end of this stick".
Classmate replies "Which end"...........squad falls about laughing and we all end up running around the parade ground with rifles over our heads.
His reply still tickles me to this day.
One of the best I had was as a young tiff on 800 NAS, my Sea Daddy Leading Hand used to get me to stand on a chair in the crew room and explain that an Artificer was like a lighthouse in the desert - Bright but Fuck all use.. Aaah happy days, I suppose that would be classed as bullying now but character forming in 1984.
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