best one liners

Watching "life on Mars" always has me in stitches over the lines that DCI Gene Hunt comes out with, last nights classic line when questioned how throughly he'd investigated a case was "I've come at this from more angles than Linda Lovelace"....Classic, anyone know any more class one liners?

 

If you get any harder you'll set.

 

Does the description; "as much use as tits on a nun" fall into this category?

 

“If I were your wife I would poison your coffee,â€
“If I were your husband, madam, I would drink it.â€
Winston Churchill

 

You're as much use as a chocolate fanny!

 

“When I've got nothing better to do, I look down the league table to see how Everton are getting along.†:mrgreen:

“This city has two great teams - Liverpool and Liverpool reserves.â€


“If you're not sure what to do with the ball, just pop it in the net and we'll discuss your options afterwards.â€


“Above all, I would like to be remembered as a man who was selfless, who strove and worried so that others could share the glory, and who built up a family of people who could hold their heads up high and say, 'We're Liverpool'.â€


“If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I'd draw the curtains.â€


Bill Shankly what a legend

 

"That's a small c**k Jack! Who do you think you are going to satisfy with that then?"

"Err, me actually..."

 

GI to oik on parade: "There's a cnut on the end of this stick"

oik: "Not this end PO"

GK

 

Always_a_Civvy

Actually, that would make an interesting change to the usual flavour!

 

..'as much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking contest'

 

Grab yer jacket luv - I've pulled!

 

'You sir, are drunk'
'And you madam are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober'
Winston Churchill

 

Since i've stopped drinking the wife's stopped pissing the bed

 

dont have a dog an bark your self.

 

He`s as nutty as squirrel shit.

 

1. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface


2. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

Marks out of two? I'd give her one!

How dare you! I resemble that remark!

 

The Buck only accelerates here!

 

3. All generalisations are false, including this one.

4. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Finally, and most apposite:

5. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

:grin:

 

Said to a mate of mine by a dolly bird.
Don't you think that one arsehole in my knickers is enough!