Best excuses at the table??

I think we could all benefit our currently serving oppos by hearing of some of the best "excuses" for being adrift (score double points if under sailing orders). There must be some classics loafing around!
One I remember (wasn't me, but I somehow wish it had been!) was offered as defence to the charge of being adrift by a quick thinker who explained to the skipper that he had trapped the night before, and in keeping with the best traditions of the service accompanied the young lady home, but during the night her house was burgled, and the thieves stole her alarm clock!
I remember coming back onboard the Hermione in Gib in 86, we all had Cinderella leave, coming over the gangway gone midnight knowing we were adrift was it seemed half the ships company, the Joss was eagerly taking names. Some minutes later the skipper came over the gangway and announced "If your going to troop them Joss then you're going to have to troop me too!". We all got away with!
skyvet said:
I think we could all benefit our currently serving oppos by hearing of some of the best "excuses" for being adrift (score double points if under sailing orders). There must be some classics loafing around!
One I remember (wasn't me, but I somehow wish it had been!) was offered as defence to the charge of being adrift by a quick thinker who explained to the skipper that he had trapped the night before, and in keeping with the best traditions of the service accompanied the young lady home, but during the night her house was burgled, and the thieves stole her alarm clock!
Similar to the alarm clock gag, an old instructor of mine span a dit explaining that he was drafted to Cinciberlant in Portugal and was advised to get an alarm clock. When he was at that table for being adrift he explained that because he'd bought the alarm clock in Portugal he'd not understood it when it went off as he didn't understand Portugese!
Cinderella leave in Rothsaye,boat anchored out in the bay, had a real good pissup at the Grapes (too many nukie browns), missed the duty boat. Had a bit of a thing going with this local beauty, went to her place....met the parents (oh joy)....

Well had a lovely chat with parents and decided this wasn't going anywhere, I need to get back to the jetty..(started to sober up unfortunately)

They give me a drive back and drop me off, it's about 2am, in October so a bit chilly...looks around said feck it, and started to walk into town...I'm wearing my nice blue leather jacket with a big honking crest on it for HMCS Onondaga, my name and Nationality (flag), so I find the local lockup, walk in and ask the fella at the desk if I could have a room for the night, they chuckle (big red haired lad) and say's sure, so they give me the cell where most drunks end up,I asked for a shake at 06:30 am sharp, they said okay, shuts the door. The fecking light is on all night and there is no mattress, oh well it could be worse, I could be on the jetty freezing my arse off.

Get a shake at 06:30 am and a nice hot cup of coffee, these guys are okay (find out later they don't exactly like boatmen from Faslane, think being Canadian saved my ass).
Down I go to the jetty, walk over to where the heads are and check out the ferry times (to weems bay, from there a train to Edingburgh and then back to Helensburgh...feck my head hurts).

Standing there I decide to see if there are any fishermen going out and maybe I can hitch a ride out.Nope not allowed to go near Government vessals....oh well back to plan A....standing there when a guy in a white sweater approaches, to use the heads I suspect, he sees me and the Sub in the harbour and puts two and two together and we talk for a bit, and he say's well there is this fella who trains officers in Yachtsmanship over the next jetty why don't I ask him.

So over I go and sure as shit there's this guy who epitomizes the word Captain Billy, he's wearing a nice Submariners sweater (the real thing) with a cap and a pipe and a dog, I ask if it's possible he could drop me off at the Sub in the harbour....sure he says with a smile, then offers me a beer....anyhow we have to wait for a few of the other officers to show up for their lessons, meanwhile the donks have flashed up, oh well the boat is only going back to Faslane, and so is this guy.

So he gets me to sign his guestbook, why not, so I open the book and get set to sign in as Able Seamen so and so when I look at some of the other signatures and units and see this Admirals name and HMS Brittania (this was in 1979) forget the Admirals name, but thought it was neat that we shared the same

So off we go and I'm standing on the bow, looking like George Washington crossing the Delaware, dog beside we get closer bodies start popping up on the casing, must have seen me through the search scope...

The skipper asks me if I want to be dropped off on the tanks, I see the Chief Tiff and say's no the buoy is we get to the buoy the skipper wants to know if I want to be piped alongside...yeah right....I'm in enough shite.

Anyway the rest of the guys are bursting their guts at my expense, so they haul me up and away aft I go to change, pass the Co on the way by the weirdroom and if looks could we go back to Faslane, my DO ( a real twit comes to me and screams my leave is blocked, well that's okay I happen to be duty today anyways so feck U )besides he can't punish me only the XO or CO.

Well we pull alongside Faslane, I'm ready to do casing sentry and the Cox'n comes and gets me and says get your hat and come with me, so off I go to the weirdroom and my boss is there and the DO and the XO...hat in hand I go...and for fecks sake they can't stop laughing, XO asks me if it was worth it, I say's no and really meant it, they laugh some more and he gives me 5 days stoppers, all alongside Faslane, my heart was broken hehehe), but at least my DO was dropped in the shit because of his attempt at giving me punishment, so all in all it was a great time, and the memory is worth it.. :thumright:

The XO reasoned the light punishment due to my initiative in attempting to make it back to the boat.... :hockey:
Whilst on the Penelope circa 1984 the ship was in Liverpool for our affiliated visit to Blackpool. We were being bussed daily from Liverpool to Blackpool and the last bus left Blackpool at 0100. However, if you made it to the Norbreck Hotel after that time and caught the 0600 bus for the 2 hour journey back to the ship, you were not considered adrift.

Anyway, myself and a killick RP had trapped two rather nice young girlies in one of the many nightclubs and were invited back for coffee and popcorn.

The killick RP shook me at 0530 to make our way to the bus. I waved him off as my particular young lady was busy elsewhere. ;-) :hump: As it was a Sunday I thought someone would cover for me, as turn too was only for an hour.

Eventually arrived back onboard at around 2100 hours to be greeted by the QM who gleefully informed me I was in the shit big time. Thanks oppos. :thumright:

Two days later I am in front of the skipper, cap in hand and having my charge read out blah, blah.

Skipper says; "Have you anything to say regarding this charge RO Young?"

Me: "Yes sir, I was furthering the relationships between the fine people of Blackpool and our good ship and the young lady in question was more than happy with the towns adopted sailors"

After much chuckling from the skipper, a scowl from the Joss and a red face from the SCO, the skipper replied: "Very good and well done... two days number nines, but it should have been five."


War Hero
Not so much an excuse but:

Arrived back at the quayside in Alicante, having missed the last train back form Benidorm.

Baggy head. Two hours adrift on a Sunday morning, the current day's leave having been piped 45 minutes beforehand.

As I bimbled down the jetty, having passed the bow of HMS Boxer, the brow on her stern, about 25 yards to go, the MEO steps out onto the upper deck and bellows:

"Ah LMEM *******, you're adrift aren't you?"

"Er, well technically Sir, yes" I replied.

"Well run, Man!"

Fortunately the knob couldn't lip read.
Cycling through St Levan's gate one morning I got the wheels of my bike stuck in the railway lines and had to go all the way down to South Yard before I could turn round.

I think the Skiper had heard it before!!
The Mid 60’s and AB Nobby Clarke was returning to Chatham via Waterloo.
He was adrift, and had to go before the old man.

This is the story he told>>>>

I Arrived at waterloo with about 20min to spare and made my way to number 3 platform case in one hand and weekend bag in other, rail ticket secured inside my cap.

At the gate I placed my bags on the deck and removed my cap retrieved the ticket and offered it to the inspector.

“Sorry Jack train to Chatham is leaving from platform 12, this one will be going to Southamptonâ€

Unperturbed I picked up my kit and made my way to the Platform 12. As I put down my kit again to retrieve the ticket, I saw an old women in her 70’s starting to panic. I asked her what the problem was and she informed me that the train to Southampton which normally leaves from platform 12 was leaving from platform 3.

She said she had a ton of baggage and would not be able to make platform 3 in time.

“Fear not†said I “ I will take your stuff, and you follow behindâ€

At the gate to platform 3 I explained to the guard that I was helping the old girl, and could I put her kit on the train. “Sure you can said the guard†(THIS MUST HAVE BEEN A FIRST).

The old girl was seated and all her gear stowed away. I said a fold farewell and headed back to Platform 12, arriving at the gate with only two minutes to spare…

The guard was on the phone, and I ran passed, “Not so Quick Jack, were your ticketâ€

Putting my kit on the deck I retrieved the ticket from my cap and showed it to the guard, who tooK an age looking at it.

OK on your way then, The train was pulling out and I ran to catch it up, I managed to get grab the handle of the last carriage door, turned the handle and go ready to jump on.

But Sir, the handle came off in my hand, and the train gained speed and left me on the platform.

Well said the Captain, I have listened with considerable interest to what you have said, and consider it to be a tissue of lies, What have you to say about that Clark?

“I thought you may think that†said Clarke “so I have brought the evidence with meâ€

With that Clarke placed the broken handle on the captains table.

“15 two that the miserable Bugger,….â€
:rambo: :rambo: :rambo: :w00t: :w00t: :w00t:
matelot on leave up in the smoke has missed the last train. tries his luck at the station and the gods of good runs ashore shines on him and provides a train driver that is an ex-matelot. hop in here jack, we don't stop in chatham but i'll slow down and you can jump off. as chats approaches the train slows and off leaps jack. his momentum obviously carries him forward and as the end of the train comes alongside him a strong arm reaches out and deposits him in the guard's van. "nearly missed it jack"!!!!!! seven days nines and two weeks stoppage.
Bunch of amateurs, rig run in Liverpool, at 0900 the following day every man and his dog are on the Quarterdeck, bottom of the gangway appears the Killick chef, clad in No1's. Ambles up the gangway, pushes past the Jaunty and XO. Looks at the QMASTER and states..."take my name out of the ashore on duty book" and promptly disappears. QM scours the book no entry in it. He gets away with it purely and simply because two minutes behind him appears another matelots who was adrift and turned up in an Ice Cream van with chimes going
Waiting for the classic Dit, about the OD looking under the skippers table!!! What are you looking for ???? Justice Sir, as there seems to be none comming over the top!!!!! Lol
Ah **** it someones got to tell it.

Three matelots trap three birds in Malta.
They take them back for all nighters in Gozo.
They all arrive back at the ship adrift.
"Able seaman smith why are you adrift?
"Well sir I caught the 0630 ferry across from gozo and the taxi I ordered was not there, but Garry horse was.
I got in and we were coming back to the ship, when we came to a fuckin great hill and half way up the Garry horse dropped dead in the shafts and I had to walk."
"I suppose it could be true "says the skipper, 1 days leave one days pay", on caps etc.
"Able seaman Johnson why are you adrift"
Well sir I came over on the 0615 ferry and the taxi I ordered was not there but a Garry horse was.
Half way up a great big hill on the way back the horse dropped dead in the shafts, and I had to walk".
"You fuckin liar" (said in ociffer type speak) that's what Smith said and you said you was not with him, 7 days 9's and 5 days pay". On caps away you go.
"Able seaman Black think very carefully, was you in Gozo, did you come back on the ferry alone and was your taxi not there causing you to take a Garry horse. Then did the Garry horse drop dead in the shafts which forced you to walk."

"No sir, I was on Gozo and I did come back on the 0630 ferry. I ordered a taxi and it was there".
"So why the **** were you late back"?
Half way back to the ship we came to a fuckin great hill, the road was blocked with dead Garry horses and I had to walk back."
Skipper faints.


Lantern Swinger
Book Reviewer
Run ashore in the States and all the lads in fancy dress. Two of them dressed as Elvis and a Star Wars Storm trooper come back adrift. Elvis trooped but the storm trooper walked past the Lreg who thought he was ashore on duty. Thick twat.
More than a few years back (late 80's early 90's ... I forget) on Decrepid ... alongside in northern reaches of Norway on that well known winter exercise with Royal ... young lad on the ship goes ashore one night and traps two young slim very attractive Norwegian lasses ... takes 'em back to their pad (they live together) whereupon they proceed to grind the poor lad into the mattress over a period of hours and hang him out to dry .... at which point still having some energy left they start on each other. Realising that he was on to a good thing said lad decides to hang about for 2nds ... 3rds ...etc etc and eventually staggered back on board 2 days adrift accompanied by "get your hat you're in the shit ... and don't forget your waders you're in it deep!" Got to the Skippers table and realising that telling the truth was the best option he recounted his tale to the Skipper who still gave him 14 days 9's (although we were sailing that day and would be at sea for the next month) and "don;t do it again! ... Fat chance of that says the lad ...!
HMS Rooke 1965/66. Bloke goes up in front of The Jimmy, Smith BEM and bar, adrift. "I was coming out the door and last night I'd had a couple of pints and big eats ashore. Well, sir, I was feeling a bit windy so had to call for a damp but followed through. Had to go back indoors, shower and change, sir."
"Justice? Feck off you're in the navy. Weeks 9s".
Can't remember the blokes name but I'm pretty sure he was a chef or electrical bod.
Me ran of my push bike by lorry, batted and bruised pushing bent bike, I arrived at Colling-grad gate, OOW says report to MAA you are adrift?
Go to see Joss man he takes one look at me orders me to sick bay and says he will sort out ********* on the gate, he also sent my bike to Colling-grad bike shed who repaired it.

Whole crew, alongside New Orleans for Mari Gras, leave expired more than half of crew still ashore, XO comes to gangway tell Joss man to put all station cards back and pipe leave?

Whole boat, Rio people adrift all over the place, strange thing, joss takes your name and give you your station card back? Confused we was, on leaving rio skipper clears lower decks gives some lecture about time keeping and alarm clocks gives all those on the josses list 10 days stoppage as we are on a 14 day transit to Africa? Last man on board after skipper had told them to cast of treated the same, we knew the stunner he had gone with as a few had already been adrift, so Chief Elec and Mess killick go to find him, they are literally legging down the jetty when some young 2 ringer is screaming at the flight deck hand to untie the ropes and pull the gangway onboard, for once said sailor couldn’t untie a rope, amazing his rope skills returned just as the 3 return one being carried by the other 2. There are a few more from Rio what a run ashore.

Gib mess mate, at the table he got off with, Capt Sir I am a big boy (rigged like a donkey, he got all night in for free with a hooker in hamsters anther run ashore) he told the old man he had an early morning rise and did not want get out of bed as he would offend his fellow mess mates as he would make them feel inadequate
My oppo Jonny Dabber was late for work once back in March 2010. Spun some bollox about being in police interview after rescuing some dosey kid who fell of a railway platform and then giving some excuse about getting his sister therapy after she got torn to shreds on some online community.

In seriousness, before I got this arse shiners job I used to work in the leisure industry (not horizontal refreshment I should add). One of the staff under me called in saying he couldn't make it to the large event tomorrow as there was a "misunderstanding with the police". Knowing he was a lazy twat I replied with "Not a problem Gayve (His name is Dave and he's a bit gay). Just bring a copy of the crime report or give me the crime number when it's sorted and I'll let the boss know"

His response told me I was a heartless vagina (or prostitute if you believe psycho goths). The police apparently took pity for having a nazi manager and let him come to work the next day.

Example of what not to use
Not an excuse but Stoker on Fife had requested a casual payment in blank week. At commanders table he was asked why he needed the funds..................''To pay back mess funds Sir'', Killick of mess and fund manager at next defaulters.
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