Best excuse at the table when being run?

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Sea_Dodger, Mar 14, 2006.

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  1. Not my dit but recounted from an old ship mate, and probably well known!

    4 lads were adrift whilst out on the lash in Singers and all go to the jimmy's table. The Jimmy was well known to be lenient if the excuse was good enough.

    First up-

    Jimmy-"Why were you adrift"?

    AB 1-"Well sir, whilst in Singapore I wanted to experience a ride in a rickshaw. Everything was going well until half way back to the ship the horse died and I had to walk the rest of the way".

    Jimmy-"Two days pay, about turn......etc

    Second up.

    Jimmy-"Why were you adrift"?

    AB 2"Well sir, whilst in Singapore I wanted to experience a ride in a rickshaw. Everything was going well until half way back to the ship the horse died and I had to walk the rest of the way".

    Jimmy-" Yeah heard that excuse 3 days pay, about turn ....etc

    Third up.

    Jimmy-"Why were you adrift"?

    AB 3"-Well Sir, whilst in Singapore I wanted to experience a ride in a rickshaw. Everything was going well until half way back to the ship the horse died and I had to walk the rest of the way".

    Jimmy- "Don't take the piss, 4 days pay, about turn...etc

    Fourth lad marches in.

    Jimmy-Why were you adrift and don't tell me your bloody horse died on the way back in the rickshaw".

    AB 4-"No sir, I got a taxi back but I couldn't get through the road for all the dead horses"!
     
  2. OK. how does this go. My CPO (now outside) had a little drink problem. Ashore in Gib, he was bladdered, and was being hassled by the squad of corrupt incomepetence that is the Gib Police. Anyway, I went over, took him by the arm and walked him away. For some unknown reason, we both then turned round and gave it the "come on then, monkey boy".....we took some with us, but not all of them. Got taken to the cells (outside and concrete) and then got returned onboard the next morning. The crucial part was that the ship sailed..... We went to the table, charged with D&D, Affray, etc. Pleaded not guilty. If you are charged with an offence that relates to Gib, you can be returned to their judicial system (which is corrupt - did I mention that?). So, we changed our plea to guilty based on the fear of not getting a fair trial, having to pay for our own defence and witnesses. The Jimmy refused to accept our plea of guilt, based as it was on a fear of misjustice, and got on to the Fleet Legal Team. The charges were revised to "foul and abusive language", which we both pleaded guilty to, and got off with a day's pay each! The letter that was sent to the Gib police was not received very well.....most of the monkey boys thought they were going to be up for compensation!

    The MEM that was pushed through a window by a copper returned to Gib where he found himself charged with aggravated burglary and attempted theft of controlled drugs!

    We should give the stinking crap hole back to Spain.
     
  3. May be apocryphal, but I heard this one while on SM training at Dolphin in 1971.....

    "Why were you adrift?"

    "Well, sir, I was just walking down the road into Gosport when a milk cart came hurtling towards me. The horse had got upset with something and galloped off down the high street with milk going all over the shop. I gave chase and climbed on said horse and hung on for 10 minutes until it had calmed down, but it had been going in the wrong direction and it added half an hour to my journey."

    "Hmm - don't believe a word of it, but I haven't heard that one before. Case Dismissed"
     
  4. I was on the old Albion in 1971-73 when I met a PO(AH) called John 'Physco' Deacon. He was at Commanders table for an offence that now escapes me. Things were not going to well for him at the time and he started to look under the table. The commander said, 'PO Deacon, what are you looking under the table for'. He replied, 'Justice sir, because theres none coming over the top'. Needless to say he paid for the comment with quite a chunk of pay.
     
  5. I was on the old Albion in 1971-73 when I met a PO(AH) called John 'Physco' Deacon. He was at Commanders table for an offence that now escapes me. Things were not going to well for him at the time and he started to look under the table. The commander said, 'PO Deacon, what are you looking under the table for'. He replied, 'Justice sir, because theres none coming over the top'. Needless to say he paid for the comment with quite a chunk of pay.
     
  6. First heard this in the 50's and it rhen referred to the gharries in Malta and Crucifix Hill. Still a good laugh
     
  7. On a wall in Chatham barracks (I think it was outside the reg office) there was written every excuse ever given for being adrift, with a heading,

    The only way you’ll get off with it is if it’s not on here.

    The best one?
    Perhaps the stoker who had all night in and on looking out of the window saw a clock outside saying 6 o`clock so he turned over.
    On waking later the clock turned out to be, er, a petrol pump.
     
  8. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Mid '60's boat alongside in Middlesborough, a crowd of us found lodgings in a theatrical digs house, all share one room, half a crown the room and another half crown for breakfast. I think at times there were a dozen or more sharing the room.
    Last morning there, six of us awoke from a drunken slumber, having been involved in a lock in at one of the clubs until around 0400. Looked at the clock, already late, got around to the nearest bus stop and stood hopefully in the queue. Then the local Newsagent opposite put out a sign with the magic words on "Bus crews go on strike, Buses frozen." Just then our Landlord pulls up, He'd heard the news and gave us a lift back to the boat.
    Instant justice in those days with almost no delay, junior man first, He gave a faultless performance, word perfect he was about how long we had been at the bus stop in freezing cold waiting for the Bus that didn't come.
    Case dismissed, and so it went, all word perfect then it was my turn, once more, case dismissed, I started to walk forward, LRO, said the Skipper, a good story, didn't believe a word of it, make sure the rest of them get the message it won't work again
     
  9. Rather interested in the horse drawn rickshaw in Singas. Spent a bitta time there meself and cant recall seeing a horse let alone a nag pulling a rickshaw. No rickshaws either come to that it was the old peddle powered job from what I remember, trishaw was it?
    Musta been Malta with the horse and buggy we called a Garry I believe. The actual name for the horse and cart is Karrozzin which I suppose could easily lead to Garry. Some odd names in Malta, the hand propelled boat is named Dghajsa.Jack called it diso or summat. Big tourist attraction the Garry and Diso now jack ain't there :lol:
     
  10. Concur with no rickshaws in Singas. However, like I said wasn't my dit and anyway when did the truth ever get in the way of a good dit?!
     
  11. Not so much as an excuse, but a dit from the table.

    The coxswain of a boat ( known as"Shelagh Sh*****ks) takes a guy to the table.

    The Jimmy says "Who brings these allegations?"

    The Coxswain replys "I am the Alligator, sir"
     
  12. Gen dit;

    Fell over the side of the ship, mind you it was rough weather!

    However, I did get run for being 'adrift', thought it was a joke at first but nope :roll:

    My excuse was ' Sir, I slipped on a heaving line'.

    Not the best but I learnt my lesson :oops:
     
  13. Young Stoker, always in the rattle was up before the CO for yet another charge and this time he was expecting to go over the wall for accumulation of minor offences. The charge was agravated repeated adrift while ship under sailing orders and reporting on board drunk. The Charge was read out by the MAA. The CO asked the Stoker if he had anything to say before he passed sentence.

    "Yes" said the Stoker - to everyones surprise.

    "Well" said the CO - "What have you to say?"

    "I know what your going to say next Sir!"

    "How could you possibly know that" said the CO - "What am I going to say, then?"

    "Case dismissed - Sir" said stokes.

    "CASE DISMISSED !!!!!!" Retorted the CO in dismay, to which the MAA repeated - "Case dismissed, on caps, about turn, quick march!"

    [You see, once the MAA repeats the sentence or judgement the CO gives - it can not be changed by Naval Law] LOL
     
  14. What about the charge that is always tact on, "predudice to good order and Naval disciplin'
     
  15. Nice one Hydra-Joe. I'd heard that one told to me by our RPZero. Happened when he had to witness a table while he was training to be a Crusher.
     
  16. Killick Stoker on the Newcastle, gets himself an nice all-night in after meeting some bird at a party while ashore in (I think) Dundee. Come 07:30 the next morning he gets woken up in her bedroom by The Jimmy, in civvies, poking him and telling him"Come on Baz, time to get back onboard." Naturally he shits himself, then it turns out that the Jimmy had been shagging her flatmate in the room next door and was adrift too.

    He was, obviously, not your average kind of Jimmy, and surprisingly enough, that one never got to the Table.
     
  17. Another one, on the Coventry, this time. Killick Dabber is adrift after going ashore and shagging the (highly desirable) LWren METOC in Greece. He pleads guilty, the facts of the case are read out, his DO offers the usual mitigation. Before handing out the sentence, the Jimmy says "I just want to know one thing, was she any good?"
    "Best shag ever, sir" is the instant reply.
    "Lucky bastard" says the Jimmy, "but well done! One day's pay, crack on."
     
  18. Certainly sounds like the Dundee I visited back in 74.

    Peter
     
  19. An Army situation, but fits in ok.

    1982 prior to the Falklands, in a Southern Garrison town.

    The Scene:

    CO's Office:

    RSM: March in the guilty ba$tard! Def Dight Def Dight Def Dight Def Dight!!!

    CO: Pte &^%$(@, you have been put before me for being found asleep on Guard. A very serious offence.

    Pte &^%$(@: Yes Sir.

    CO: How can you explain you found asleep on your bed when you were at the time down for patrolling the perimeter fence.

    Pte &^%$(@: Well Sir, it was raining and I had to go to my block and get my waterproof jacket. It was under my bed in a footlocker and I had to scramble underneath the bed and................

    RSM: Get to the point Pte &^%$(@!!!

    Pte &^%$(@: The next thing I know I was being woken up by the Guard Commander.

    CO: So you were asleep then?

    Pte &^%$(@: Oh yes.

    A superb lad, who was destined to be Killed in Action during the Falklands.

    RIP mate, keep my seat warm in Valhalla!!
     
  20. Had a mate who was run for being 3 hours adrift after a night out down Jesters.

    I was standing outside the cabin when he was standing at the 'table'.

    MAA: Why were you adrift?

    Mate: Well, I went back to a lasses house, couldn't finish the job so stayed longer to dip my wick.

    You think I am joking right? Seeing as he had racked up a whole lot of trouble in 4 months, he got 10 days nines.........lets say they skipped a few things and came out with the choice of Court Matial or C.O.'s..............he didn't leave that ship for 3months solid, guess you knew what he chose?

    Guess he'd rethink how he answers next time huh :roll:
     

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