best bite

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by jannerpig88, Feb 26, 2008.

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  1. we had a wem on the campbeltown who was told he could be a drone pilot and he went and filled out a request form and did jimmys and captians table , was given permisson to go for it , got him a flying suit helmet and was briefed on the morning of the test by the meto and prince andrew(our chopper pilot ) and was told that when he heard the woooosh of the approaching seawolf he was to let go of the drone and use his parachute which was an upside down bergan , he never twigged even when he walked out onto the flight deck and everyone was cheering and pissing themselves
  2. had a baby tiff alongside me who wanted to go for a flight in a chopper - as he hadnt done the dunker he had to do the hotel ladder chain on the lusty 9 deck to 04 deck and backdown to the flightdeck within a hastily thought up time.

    then had to put his head in a bucket of water for over a minute.

    due to his portly nature failed the dunker test first time round.

    then the dopey fukcer did the run again.

    only stopped due to the amount of people laughing themselves stupid on the deck
  3. I heard something along those lines but the guy who told be, suffocated halfway through. He wasn't a fan of fullstops either :w00t:
  4. Samantha in the 'When can a recruit leave the RN' thread at the mo is pretty good.
    One of the mythical Royal bites is the Flame Thrower 3s acquaint , get applicant to run around with a fire extinguisher strapped to his back with bungee cords and have him carry out mock flamings, with sound effects, of imaginary bunkers and or MG positions "Bunker to your left... 3 second burst ...GO." Usually goes no further than the 'victim' getting really interested, before twigging.
  5. Killick bunting on Hecate. He will recognise this if he reads it.

    Every evening he would do his dhoby and come to the wireless office for the keys to the portables store, hang up his knicks and socks and bring the key back.
    Without fail he would stand for ten mins or so in his towel reading the broadcast.

    He was due to leave the ship for POs course, having dipped out once because he couldn't be spared.

    One evening I saw our DO and asked him for some details so I could make up a dit cancelling his draft to Mercury yet again, the ship was due to go to the gulf in the not too distant future.

    So, I typed up this draft cancelling signal keeping him onboard and put it on tape, I then linked the usual broadcast bay with an autohead at the other end of the office. I had run about 15 mins of real broadcast onto this tape and inserted his cancellation sig about 4 or 5 mins into the tape.

    He came in on this particular night and stood reading the broadcast, saw this signal about him and left to get dressed. I let him go for ten mins and then went into his office to tell him it was just a made up dit, but he had already typed it up and was in the process of disting it.
    Seeing the Captains clipboard gone, I went right up to the captains cabin to tell him that it was just a dit and wasn't supposed to have been disted.
    He said it wouldn't work but he would play along with it.

    Now this scouser was our star footballer and when he presented the captain with his signals, the capt said - "we will be ok for football up the gulf then xxx". I don't know what his reply was.

    After a search, I found him in the mess dripping like ten a few minutes later and tried to tell him it wasn't for real, but you couldn't convince him as he had actually seen it come in over the broadcast.

    It took days to get him to believe it and especially as the capt had joined in, he just wouldn't believe anyone and had a grump on for about a week after.
  6. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Similar to above... we had a young OM on board one of my more recent ships who was so keen and desparate to transfer to the Seaman Specialist Branch (when it was still a 'sideway entry' branch). He dug out blind with the Buffer's Party in every evolution and was making the right noises in the right places.

    Anyway the Buffer tells him he's organised his course for him with the Seamanship School at Raleigh while the ship is alongside in Falmouth. This lad was running around like a blue-arsed fly getting excited, telling everyone about it, even tells his girlfriend that he's finally getting his career on track. Gets his leaving routine done, including me taking him off the Souls On Board List, the Jimmy had stamped it, and even the POMA had sent off his docs to Raleigh!

    Ship alongside, everyone ashore, he has a few last-minute leaving drinks with the lads before he leaves for Raleigh the following morning; everyone had a good time... until someone tells him that it's not happening. Not true. No course. No branch transfer. Just a big bite, organised by the Buffer's Party! Now this lad has gone from the highest high to the lowest low in seconds! Throws a hissy fit in the bar, everyone laughs at him, storms off back to the Ship about 0400. Gets back on board, grabs a grip and does one. Walks off the Ship and no one knows where.

    0800, I go to work, checking the Gangway peg board. Everyone back, apart from this young OM. Totally oblivious to what has been going on. Made some enquiries, and the Buffer comes forward and admits that the whole course thing was a bite! So I go into absentee mode, and try to track him down...

    After some very tense and irrate phonecalls with his girlfriend, I manage to locate him, on a bus enroute to Pompey, as he was too embarrassed to come back on board. I arranged for some of my colleagues to meet him from the Bus Station on the Hard and bed him down for the night, and he could re-join the Ship when we returned to Pompey.

    And no, I didn't investigate him for AWOL. And yes, he did eventually re-cat to Killick Spec!
  7. This was video'd, I can't remember who had it, but I seen it ages ago...poor bugger.....but very, very funny.

    You had him running along the main drag in a flight suit, I seem to remember.

    I'm sure that 'JJ', our Jack Dusty on Illustrious had it.

    Scrub that, might have been Dicky (he was the runner!!, Sorry JJ), who shared a mess with us at Drake when the ship was in refit, horrible twat gave the Jenny I was pumping a good fingering then came back on board to share the spoils - the smell!!! If you're out there you horrible sod, give me a shout!!
  8. Back in my school days I was struggling in woodwork with something. I asked the woodwork assistant for some advice. "You'll need some elbow grease on that." Guess who trotted off for a tin of said grease... The assistant was a bit of a joker. He had someone else queueing outside the store for an hour after asking for a "long weight"...

    The boss' husband assures me that a lad turned up outside his cabin as ordered in full frogman suit, mask et al, as the ship urgently needed a muff diver and he'd been volunteered.
  9. When i was on the Fearless back in the early 90's, we got a baby tiff in the mess on the old bunk light electric bill.
    It got that big that we had the entire ships company in on it and everyone got a fake bill disted in the mail. This poor lads bill was hundreds of pounds as we said he had left his bunk light on when he went on leave. We had one of the chief stokers get us in the ME workshop and give the whole mess a bollocking as we all had the biggest bills onboard. He ranted on about having to run an extra diesel just for our bunk lights.
    Lads name appeared on daily orders with a list of others who hadnt paid up.
    He went in front of DWEO, the jimmy and finally captains defaulters where the captain gave him the choice of paying up or getting 14 days over the wall!!!
    Poor lad was nearly in tears. He was finally told over main b'cast when the commander made his evening sitrep pipe that it was all bull. He was that relieved, he even bought a round of red death for everyone.
    It had gone on for weeks and we thought it was hilarious.
  10. Had an OD on the Dido who volunteered for a Bear Hunt in the New Forest,
    he had the full routine including anti snake boots & a .303 from the GI.
    probably an MP now.
  11. On one of the RNR MSF's they pulled the old Ignition Key for the Main Engines routine with a baby stoker.

    The key to one of the MCR panels was attached to a suitable tally and young lad told never to let it out of his sight, log it in the key register etc.etc. The overall effect was made even better by getting the kid to "turn" the key as the engines were really started up thus producing a lifelike effect.

    Of course, inevtably, as the ship was due to leave harbour the key went missing and all hell broke lose and baby stoker has to go to the bridge where the CO asked him what was to happen - no key, no engines, squadron leaving, etc etc.

    At that moment the main engines burst into life for real and just as everyone was going to tell him it was a wind up, young lad says "I knew all along it was a wind-up. I KNEW you would have a spare key somewhere"!

    No sure if anyone had the heart to tell him the truth.

  12. Be warned there is always a smart arses skulking out their to trip you up. On the Tenby (Dartmouth Training Squadron) the PO of Quarter Deck sent a cadet(possibly Maxi who was on board about this period) to get a bucket of steam. Said Cadet takes bucket and two clothes down the engine room and placed steam pipe into the bucket and drapes a cloth over the top. He then heats the bucket and cloth with lots of steam until ll is boiling hot and the bucket contains little water and lots of steam.

    He then legs it back to the QX where at the feet of the PO and watched by both Cadets and the lads the said Cadet whips off the covering cloth to leave a full bucket of steam.

    No more wind ups from that PO after that.
  13. there was also a club swinger who requested to be a larne target coxswain , hosed down on flight deck whilst eating sarnies and waving ras bats about. He wasnt on campbeltown , ivan torpey i think was his name , we also had the gib ape cull which all the sprog gunners put there name down for , very funny! The wem in question was called jewwit i think turned up for scran with a biggles scarf on the lads had made him , officers thought that he might top himself , 1990 was the yearthat it happened
  14. A Chief REM at HMS INSKIP used to spend his nights on watch in the Control Room making up burnt out components, which he would present to the DSMR at breakfast regularly. The DSMR (AKA The Hobbit) fell for it every time.

    Does anyone know of the Bus service on the TIGER (?) complete with bus stops, routes and time tables?

    Or the Phantom giggler on the SCYLLA?

    Cant remember the details...... can anyone fill in the gaps?
  15. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    "Filipino Monkey" - he was definitely after a bite... 8O :oops:
  16. Cannot claim this one Nutty, I was on Scarborough, and having been a baby RNR stoker for a couple of years beore that would probably not have been as smart
  17. A couple more for you from the offshore/MN.

    I went for a trip on the BP semisub Iolair in the North Sea and when being shown round the deck noticed there were two guys with fire hoses playing into the moonpool (for those that do not know, the moonpool is an opening from the upper deck through the hull to the oggin to launch diving bells etc.). Saw the same guys on the way back and asked why - was told not to worry they were the two new cadets who had been told to "fill the moonpool".

    This is from a colleague at work. Dutch Shell tanker, Far East run, 1990s. Engineers rigged up hoses/valves to a drilled hole in the deck handrails which when turned on, let water through and then drained overboard. Cadets then had to check the "handrail cooling system". No one could understand why the handrails were still hot!

  18. On the Devonshire in the mid 70's we had a JS on the old "Malta Dog" shoot! Joss had him on CO's requestmen and then he did the rounds of the ship to get his chit stamped.
    Best bite I say was in Sambwang vill when a JMEM trapped himself a very tasty looking "lady" .. Unfortunately for him half the PO's were in the same bar and his POMEM took him to one side and explained about ladyboys .. young stokes then went back to the girl and asked her for proof that she wasn't a bloke as he didn't fancy grabbing a toggle and two ... She hit the roof and went absolutly banzai at him and promptly stripped off there and then with young Juniors eyes nearly popping out of his head .. then scopped up her clothes and went. Dont think he ever forgave us for that as he was on a dead cert!
  19. Part 3 trainees in bombers are often told that they can get a mobile phone signal at depth if they go and hold their handsets against the Buoyant Wire Aerial. Also, on return from patrol, we always form up our "fin clearance team" to kill any dangerous marine life that may have swum into the free flood space and poses a danger to the OOW. They don their white ovies, get issued with anti-static poles and clubs, and even get some training in the mess using a toy whale which is pulled through on a piece of string while they try and bludgeon it. The crowning glory comes from the Captain who will usually give them a send off by telling them that if they see anything bigger than a small dog then they should come straight back down, as he "doesn't want any heroes"!
  20. nice one puss in boats, like the whale on a string!

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