Being Young. The Perfect Excuse.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Blackrat, Mar 16, 2010.

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  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    My youngest nephew (he is eight) is approaching legend status in my eyes. There is nothing i like better than taking him round the shops as he keeps me amused. That, and the fact he looks so cute that he is a vaginal lodestone. All the fit women come up and chat to me saying things like "He's soooo cute" and "Isn't he lovely?". If only they knew.

    The other day, i took him with me as i was going to get some kit from the shops. We had walked around 100 metres and during that distance he said the following about various people:

    "Excuse me fat lady"
    "Cor. look at her massive boobs"
    "Here comes a Dalek" (In reference to someone in a motorised wheelchair)
    "That man smells of wee"
    "That lady has a hairy face"

    All of the above were said in an extremely loud voice and guess what? Not one person took offence. I am now tempted to get him to say the things i am thinking just to see peoples reactions. Does anyone else have some classic childrens phrases they wish to share?
  2. Rest assured that as soon as I have a legitimate child of my own to corrupt, who's mother is not a sex worker from South East Asia or Brazil, he or she will be coming out with gems such as:

    ''Why is that man dressed as a woman?''
    ''Why is that woman dressed as a man?''
    ''Look Daddy that kid has just splatted ice cream all over his face and let go of his balloon.''
  3. This, believe it or not, was me, aged about 10. I picked up a pair of HUGE trousers that, unbeknownst to me, had just been set down by a even more huge woman.

    "Mummy? Why are these trousers so big? They are massive!" I then proceeded to pull one leg over my head, and once my head was poking out the other side I screeched, "MUMMY!!! Look, I fit in only one leg! Nobody could be THIS fat!!"

    Thinking about it, I'm pretty sure she ripped those throusers as she yanked them off my head. It is my dad's favourite memory, and one of my mum's worst.
  4. Ha not new tricks guys, I used to take my nephew to Blackpool in the summer we would do lots of fanny attracting stints like throwing crisps off the pier and watching the shitehawks swooping and kicking fcuk out of each other I would put him on the donkeys on the beach and lead him along ogling all the tits on the rare days that the sun ever shines in Blackpool. Then buy him chocolate ice cream which of course went all over his gob and t shirt - over 20s bints automatically get that doey eyed look at a blonde Oliver 8 year old look alike, fond memories especially when I made him call me uncle Stan all the time therefore providing evidence that I wasn't his dad but a very special uncle often encouraging him to tell the fanny I stopped to talk to that I was a matelot home on leave and had been to the Falklands ah such bliss easy really
  5. A nice summer time excercise is to take the youngster to the supermarket, tour the freezer section 'looking' for ice cream.

    Notice the vest top clad ladies doing the same with some rather pert features...
  6. Fukcin pervert.... :x

    (why did you not take pictures....selfish bastard .. :lol: )
  7. Slightly off topic, but my little sis told everyone in her class at school that I had 'got into the Navy'. In the middle of her excited chatter, one kid piped up, "What is the Navy?". Another one said, "They're the army, except their uniform is Navy." Even my 10 year old sister was not impressed!
  8. My favourite ones from my early childhood before it crossed the line from cute hijinks to early psychopathic warning signs. At my grandad's wake at the age of six with open casket, I spent five minutes poking his cancer emaciated body demanding to know why he was so skinny before being gripped by my mum and dragged from the room.At the age of five running away from my parents on the ferry to France almost prompting a man overboard alert until I was found trying to play the fruitmachines (earned me a good slapping from father). Using my favourite teddy's fists ,a gorilla dressed as a boxer called Frank (after Bruno naturally enough), to give another child at playschool a bleeding nose.
  9. My Mum used to tell the story of me, as a small boy (about 3 ish) in Stockport and Nuns. Mum had taken me in to Town, shopping. The No 30 bus from Mersey Square was standing room only and a seated Nun offered to help with “the child†by taking me to sit on her knee. When we got to our stop, the kindly Nun handed me back to Mum and whispered to her “whatever you do, don’t disillusion himâ€. That advice was a complete mystery to Mum until we were out a few days later at the local shops. The story goes that, on seeing a Nun on the other side of the road, I cried “look Mum, there’s another Penguin!â€
  10. You've got nothing on this woman...

    "A Danish artist has courted controversy after dressing her baby daughter up as the world's most evil leaders"

    Sky News Gallery

    Imagine taking little Hitler round Sainsburys
  11. Now thats weird. 8O
  12. Class. What a fantastic Dad, years of fun to be had here.
    Stalin, Pol Pot, Osama Bin Ladin and perhaps our very own Tone Bliar are my recommendations for his next projects. 8O :twisted:

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