Being British !!

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by stirling2, Dec 21, 2006.

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  1. Being British

    Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
    Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish
    kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a
    Japanese TV.

    And the most British thing of all?
    Suspicion of all things foreign!
    Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
    Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the
    back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
    cigarettes at the front.

    Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a
    DIET coke.

    Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the

    Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and
    lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
    Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
    call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to
    in the first place.
    Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating


    3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
    142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
    58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of

    31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
    fairy lights were plugged in.

    19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations
    were chocolate.

    British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
    cracker-pulling accidents.

    18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
    cigarette in their mouth.

    A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying
    to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

    5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
    Scalextric cars.

    and finally...
    In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls
    incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
  2. Kin ell "stirling" that was good , :D
  3. I may change my Avatar on xmas day , depends on how busy we are , have a good time peaple , love you's all ,
  4. Good one Stirling...think i'll take heed of the last one and throw up in the's bigger.!! :D

    Have a good xmas Dondon.
  5. Saw this on another site, I remember it was printed when I was on Eagle in mid 60s, made me laugh then.

    The Matelot has a variety of interests, they are, girls, dames, women, the opposite sex and females; if none of those are available he will settle for Rum, Whisky, Gin, Beer, Vino, Ambeet, Jungle Juice or anything else with an alcoholic content. His dislikes are, answering letters (especially those containing bills), wearing his uniform "pusser style" (as per regulations), ditching the "gash" (garbage), all officers, Chief Petty Officers, Petty Officers, Killicks (leading seamen), kit musters and any person with authority to tell him what to do. Those are quickly followed by a dislike of all RN food, getting out of his "pit", "mick", "nautical wigwam" or "fleabag" (these are all references to his hammock), getting his hair cut, giving sippers to the Rum Bo'sun (the member of his mess responsible for collecting and measuring out the rum), being given stoppages of leave and pay when returning AWOL to the RN ship on which he is serving, but God help any matelot from another warship who dares to criticise HIS ship when having a run ashore.

    No man except....yes, you've got it... a matelot can cram into his jumper pocket...a little black book, tobacco tin, lighter, comb, a few "odd" station tickets, a picture of his current girl friend, a church key, one six pack of condoms ( one emergency pack if on all night leave), and what is left of his last fortnight's pay..if he drew any. He likes to spend his money on girls, cards, and crown and anchor (an old gambling game). The rest he spends foolishly. But you think the world of him, you can lock him out of your home but not out of your heart, you can cross him off your mailing list, but not your mind. You may as well give up. But when Queen and Country needs him he is the matelot with a heart of oak, the courage of a lion, the bravery of a bulldog, the endurance of a marathon runner, the nerves of a steeple jack and willing to give his life to save his shipmate. He is a long way from home, but he is YOUR "bleary eyed bundle of worries".

    Dreams become insignificant when your matelot docks. He comes "up the line" and knocks on your door, gently swaying, with a load of "rabbits" in his case, (gifts he has bought abroard), and a bunch of flower stems in his hand...he looks at you with his bleary eyes and says..."Hello luv, I'm home...hic!".

    found on website below. They have loads of dits, definitely worth a look
  6. Noooooo,
    Next doors garden is more fun :D
  7. My bath is IN next doors garden!!! :lol: :lol:
  8. Being British is about using your accent to good effect in North America...

    It's also about reverse hypocricy.
  9. Being British is explaining to peoples in the former colonies that everything that happened hundreds of years ago.


    PS Nice one STIRLING
  10. You make a great salesman Slim! Can I order half a dozen of these Traditional Matelots in time for Christmas, otherwise Easter will do? :D
  11. No! Don't do it! There is bugger all on the telly and ogling your Avatar is one of the few ways I get to enjoy myself.

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