Being a Pikey.

#1
After a recent re-evaluation of my life, I have come to the conclusion that a little bit of Pikey influence really isn't that bad.

I have learned to embrace the Pikeyness from within. MLP commented on my choice of ski clothing from TK Maxx and I realised that yes, I do buy substandard Pikey shite for the purposes of saving a few beer tokens sometimes.

So here are some Pikey living top tips, please add your own to the list:

Purchase ski wear from TK Maxx, not only because it's cheap, but also to wind up MLP.

Buy cheese, cold meats and fruit juice from Lidl. These are possibly the only products that are acceptable to purchase from this place, I'd avoid most of the other stuff like a plague ridden whore in Mombassa if I where you, although some of the booze is OK.

Robert Dyas. Need I say anymore?

Primark. It is perfectly acceptable to wear Primark skids. Infact I find it is cheaper to wear them once then discard them than to wash them.

Never ever ever buy socks. Pusser gives them to you and to be honest I would be too scared to go out in anything other than pusser's thick blacks. Did you know pusser's socks have been known to repel AIDS, Cancer and even wild animal attacks?

Formal attire: Next time you are in Hong Kong or Singers, get yourself some decent suits made up. Just do it, they are nearly as good as anything you could get on Saville row and they cost 1/10th of the price.

Tesco value products. Tread carefully here, some of the stuff is utter shite, but things like sparkling water are only 17p a bottle.

The Internet: You can buy loads of stuff here for mega cheap. I recommend Amazon and Vouchercodes. Top table is also great. If you can face the shame of presenting a photocopied voucher, next time you go for a meal, much bargains can be had.

That's it for now.
 
G

guestm

Guest
#2
Being a hideous capitalist and also a bit of a prima-donna, I go against everything that 2DD has said above. I make every effort to spend as much money as I can, in the most expensive shops I can. Yes I shop at Sainsbury, M & S, Snow and Rock, Reiss and Vivienne Westwood, yes I own a BMW and yes I spend ludicrous amounts of money on sports kit at every opportunity.

This simply reinforces the fact that I am better than those wearing and owning shite things.

Also, I have come to the conclusion that 2DD is a pikey walt, simply because he drives a Brera and not an H Reg Cavalier.
 
#4
Montigny-La-Palisse said:
Also, I have come to the conclusion that 2DD is a pikey walt, simply because he drives a Brera and not an H Reg Cavalier.
The reason I can afford one of these:


Is because I eat this:


And live here:


My Mum used to have an H reg Cavalier.
 
#6
Montigny-La-Palisse said:
Yes I shop at Sainsbury, M & S, Snow and Rock, Reiss and Vivienne Westwood
MLP: Please tell me what you have bought from Vivienne Westwood ....... I think of her as a designer of laced bustiers etc .........

You haven't been buying yourself laced bustiers, have you?
 
G

guestm

Guest
#10
soleil said:
Montigny-La-Palisse said:
Yes I shop at Sainsbury, M & S, Snow and Rock, Reiss and Vivienne Westwood
MLP: Please tell me what you have bought from Vivienne Westwood ....... I think of her as a designer of laced bustiers etc .........

You haven't been buying yourself laced bustiers, have you?
Whilst I am fond of the occasional foray into cross dressing, I do not don bustiers often. Vivienne Westwod does some execclent knitwear and trousers for the discerning gent.

The discerning gent with money to burn that is.
 
#13
Having looked at the Pikey test, I feel it is flawed for a number of reasons, I feel it is especially biased against Matelots.

1) Have you ever purchased someting from Bejam or Iceland?
Iceland is a banging run ashore, I feel going there and not purchasing at least a beer is pretty silly.

2) Have you ever owned an electrical appliance made by Hinari?
Nearly every 6 man cabin at Collingwood has a Hinari kettle or microwave purchased from Asda across the road.

3) Have you ever purchased a KFC Family Bucket?
Too fcuking right. KFC, big eats of kings.

4) Have you ever hung pine fresh tree shaped air freshener on your rear view mirror?
If you knew what my car smelt like, you too would be hanging air fresheners all over the place.

5) Have you ever bought or worn shoes from Barratts?
Every matelot I know has had to buy a last minute outfit at some point in order to go out on the smash before payday.

6) Have you ever considered Pizza Hut an Italian Restaurant?
All you can eat buffet, nuff said. Salad is Italian isn't it?

7) Have you ever bought Woolworths LadyBird clothes for Kids?
All the offspring I have are in Thailand or Brazil where Ladybird is considered the height of fashion.

8) Have you ever eaten Findus Lasagne?
It's better than some of the shite RN chefs serve up.

9) Have you ever worn jewellery from "Elizabeth Duke" or "Argos"?
A Casio G shock is Jewellery right?

10) Have you ever eaten a pot noodle?
Of course, does the Naafi sell anything else?

11) Have you ever bought fresh cut flowers from a petrol station as a present?
How the fcuk else are you supposed to make it up to your missus after being out on the smash for four days solid? Do you think I have time to go to an actual florist?

12) Have you ever bought a second class stamp?
It was all they had at the ship's office.

13) Have you ever knowingly bought own brand cola?
The Naafi sometimes serves Panda Cola when it has run out of proper drinks and I have had Virgin Cola in a few bag rats before.

14) Do you think Marks and Spencer's food hall is too expensive?
Yes, and they don't sell Rollover hot dogs WTF?

15) Have you ever taken a Stenaline Ferry anywhere?
It's more luxurious than a Pusser's Ferry and they have fruit machines. Actually the only time I have ever been on one was en route to the RN Ski Champs, a trip organised and booked by pusser.

16) Have you anything in your wardrobe which is at least 50% polyester?
Every matelot must own a Banyan shirt.

17) Have you ever fantasised about owning a Ford Cosworth?
A full spec Rally car? Definitely.

18) Are you on first name terms with any bus drivers?
Big Nige the dockyard bus pilot, is a personal friend.

19) Have you ever recommended a Berni Inn as a decent steak restaurant?
Define decent?

20) Have you ever relieved a hotel room of it's freebie shower gel or shampoo?
And the hotel phone, bible, coat hangers, draw fronts, TV remote, curtains. All run ashore's need a souvenir.

21) Have you ever drunk a can of larger you found on a train?
Yes, free beer! Jackpot. Have you ever not drunk beer on a train? It's source of origin is highly irrelevant.

22) Have you ever offered to buy a cigarette from someone?
When the Naafi has run out of DFs, men will stretch to desperate measures.

23) Have you ever brought a screw top bottle of wine to a dinner party?
Yes, the only wine that they had on board was screw top, I couldn't take a crate of Red Death down the Wren's mess could I?

24) Have you ever referred to dessert as "afters"?
No, always Duff.

25) Have you ever worn the same pair of socks 2 days running?
See my previous posts about pusser's thick blacks. Also does wearing one on your cock count?

26) Have you ever removed a boiled sweet or gum and saved it for later?
Yep, can't chew gum at a duty watch muster, it seems a shame to waste a fresh piece.

27) Have you ever left washing out on the line for more than 24 hours?
Yes, I had a pair of pants hanging up on the Quarterdeck for 4 days once because I forgot about them.

28) Have you ever dreamed of owning a Winnebago?
Ever been to Glastonbury? You'll dream of owning a fcuking portaloo.

29) Have you ever christened your home with a name and then included it on your postal address ie: "Dunroamin"?
I live in a Castle, it was named in the 14th century.

30) Have you ever bought a garden ornament from B&Q, ie: Stone squirrel, Ornamental wheelbarrow etc?
Does a Hoselock 20m reel count? If so, yes.

31) Have you ever owned an "eternal beau" dinner or tea service?
All my cutlery and plates are nicked from the wardroom at Nelson, if they use 'eternal beau' stuff then yes.

32) Have you ever owned or used a sausage dog draught excluder?
Like I said I live in an old castle, of course there are stuffed animals around the place, sometimes I use them to stop draughts coming under the doors.

33) Have you ever erected a flashing snowman or fairy lights outside your house at Christmas?
We made the seadart launcher look like Father Christmas one year.

34) Have you ever placed a jewel encrusted tissue box on your rear parcel shelf?
Is this a euphemism for some sort of snaggy sex act? Yes, I have probably done it.

35) Have you ever visited a Little Chef of Happy Eater apart from to use the loos in desperation?
I ate a fryup from Little Chef once because I was really really hungover. Never again.

36) Have you ever cut out and used money off coupons from a magazine?
Yes. I also use vouchercodes.co.uk on a regular basis.

37) Have you ever received a Christmas Card from your local Kebab house?
Ken's Kebab's send one to every ship in the dockyard.

38) Do you know anyone from Penge?
I thought I had Penge once but a stiff dose of Anti-Biotics soon sorted it out.

39) Have you ever bought and used "Shake n' Vac"?
Have you ever tried to get port and red wine vomit out of a cream carpet at your oppo's married patch?

40) Are any of your parents or family well known "down the precinct"?
My Mum works for the witness protection service in a Magistrate's court, most of the coppers there have met her at some point during the course of her duties.
 
G

guestm

Guest
#14
I scored 2. Yes I have eaten a pot noodle and yes I have brought screw top wine to a party.

However you can get some very good screw top wine nowadays and sometimes a pot noodle is the only thing available when you come off watch at 0400.

Therefore I scored 0 and am superior to all of you.
 
#17
Fcuk me! 17! And my stepdads house was called Dunroamin.... I'd better start tucking my trackies (hummel of course) into my socks!
 

tug1970

Lantern Swinger
#18
Oh Fcuk now i am a fcuking pikey I scored 9 and I am a scouser to
boot oh god . I am now in a deep dark satanic depression. :( :(
 
#19
6-10 Answers:
You are definately entering the danger zone here. You have owned at sometime in your life a pet fish won from a funfair. You regularly buy Superdrug's own brand toiletries but ensure you carry them home in a Clinique carrier bag. You have a number of gold cards and run a respectable enough car, however, you would do well to remove the "Baby on board" sticker from the back. You enojy good food and wine courtesy of Delia Smith's home cookery course and have been to University.
phew!
 

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