Being a Pikey.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by 2_deck_dash, Mar 1, 2010.

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  1. After a recent re-evaluation of my life, I have come to the conclusion that a little bit of Pikey influence really isn't that bad.

    I have learned to embrace the Pikeyness from within. MLP commented on my choice of ski clothing from TK Maxx and I realised that yes, I do buy substandard Pikey shite for the purposes of saving a few beer tokens sometimes.

    So here are some Pikey living top tips, please add your own to the list:

    Purchase ski wear from TK Maxx, not only because it's cheap, but also to wind up MLP.

    Buy cheese, cold meats and fruit juice from Lidl. These are possibly the only products that are acceptable to purchase from this place, I'd avoid most of the other stuff like a plague ridden whore in Mombassa if I where you, although some of the booze is OK.

    Robert Dyas. Need I say anymore?

    Primark. It is perfectly acceptable to wear Primark skids. Infact I find it is cheaper to wear them once then discard them than to wash them.

    Never ever ever buy socks. Pusser gives them to you and to be honest I would be too scared to go out in anything other than pusser's thick blacks. Did you know pusser's socks have been known to repel AIDS, Cancer and even wild animal attacks?

    Formal attire: Next time you are in Hong Kong or Singers, get yourself some decent suits made up. Just do it, they are nearly as good as anything you could get on Saville row and they cost 1/10th of the price.

    Tesco value products. Tread carefully here, some of the stuff is utter shite, but things like sparkling water are only 17p a bottle.

    The Internet: You can buy loads of stuff here for mega cheap. I recommend Amazon and Vouchercodes. Top table is also great. If you can face the shame of presenting a photocopied voucher, next time you go for a meal, much bargains can be had.

    That's it for now.
     
  2. Being a hideous capitalist and also a bit of a prima-donna, I go against everything that 2DD has said above. I make every effort to spend as much money as I can, in the most expensive shops I can. Yes I shop at Sainsbury, M & S, Snow and Rock, Reiss and Vivienne Westwood, yes I own a BMW and yes I spend ludicrous amounts of money on sports kit at every opportunity.

    This simply reinforces the fact that I am better than those wearing and owning shite things.

    Also, I have come to the conclusion that 2DD is a pikey walt, simply because he drives a Brera and not an H Reg Cavalier.
     
  3. I noticed in Lidl's last week that they were selling mens' (not gents') suits for less than £20. They'd obviously been styled by one of Tehran's top taylors.
     
  4. The reason I can afford one of these:
    [​IMG]

    Is because I eat this:
    [​IMG]

    And live here:
    [​IMG]

    My Mum used to have an H reg Cavalier.
     
  5. MLP: Please tell me what you have bought from Vivienne Westwood ....... I think of her as a designer of laced bustiers etc .........

    You haven't been buying yourself laced bustiers, have you?
     
  6. Scored a worringly high 9 on the gypo test!
     
  7. Go and have a bath you dirty git!

    I scored 3, fairly respectable I think.
     
  8. Whilst I am fond of the occasional foray into cross dressing, I do not don bustiers often. Vivienne Westwod does some execclent knitwear and trousers for the discerning gent.

    The discerning gent with money to burn that is.
     
  9. SHIT!

    15...!

    Pikey-ness is creeping right up on me!
     
  10. Thank fcuk for that, someone with a higher score than me :wink:
     
  11. Having looked at the Pikey test, I feel it is flawed for a number of reasons, I feel it is especially biased against Matelots.

    Iceland is a banging run ashore, I feel going there and not purchasing at least a beer is pretty silly.

    Nearly every 6 man cabin at Collingwood has a Hinari kettle or microwave purchased from Asda across the road.

    Too fcuking right. KFC, big eats of kings.

    If you knew what my car smelt like, you too would be hanging air fresheners all over the place.

    Every matelot I know has had to buy a last minute outfit at some point in order to go out on the smash before payday.

    All you can eat buffet, nuff said. Salad is Italian isn't it?

    All the offspring I have are in Thailand or Brazil where Ladybird is considered the height of fashion.

    It's better than some of the shite RN chefs serve up.

    A Casio G shock is Jewellery right?

    Of course, does the Naafi sell anything else?

    How the fcuk else are you supposed to make it up to your missus after being out on the smash for four days solid? Do you think I have time to go to an actual florist?

    It was all they had at the ship's office.

    The Naafi sometimes serves Panda Cola when it has run out of proper drinks and I have had Virgin Cola in a few bag rats before.

    Yes, and they don't sell Rollover hot dogs WTF?

    It's more luxurious than a Pusser's Ferry and they have fruit machines. Actually the only time I have ever been on one was en route to the RN Ski Champs, a trip organised and booked by pusser.

    Every matelot must own a Banyan shirt.

    A full spec Rally car? Definitely.

    Big Nige the dockyard bus pilot, is a personal friend.

    Define decent?

    And the hotel phone, bible, coat hangers, draw fronts, TV remote, curtains. All run ashore's need a souvenir.

    Yes, free beer! Jackpot. Have you ever not drunk beer on a train? It's source of origin is highly irrelevant.

    When the Naafi has run out of DFs, men will stretch to desperate measures.

    Yes, the only wine that they had on board was screw top, I couldn't take a crate of Red Death down the Wren's mess could I?

    No, always Duff.

    See my previous posts about pusser's thick blacks. Also does wearing one on your cock count?

    Yep, can't chew gum at a duty watch muster, it seems a shame to waste a fresh piece.

    Yes, I had a pair of pants hanging up on the Quarterdeck for 4 days once because I forgot about them.

    Ever been to Glastonbury? You'll dream of owning a fcuking portaloo.

    I live in a Castle, it was named in the 14th century.

    Does a Hoselock 20m reel count? If so, yes.

    All my cutlery and plates are nicked from the wardroom at Nelson, if they use 'eternal beau' stuff then yes.

    Like I said I live in an old castle, of course there are stuffed animals around the place, sometimes I use them to stop draughts coming under the doors.

    We made the seadart launcher look like Father Christmas one year.

    Is this a euphemism for some sort of snaggy sex act? Yes, I have probably done it.

    I ate a fryup from Little Chef once because I was really really hungover. Never again.

    Yes. I also use vouchercodes.co.uk on a regular basis.

    Ken's Kebab's send one to every ship in the dockyard.

    I thought I had Penge once but a stiff dose of Anti-Biotics soon sorted it out.

    Have you ever tried to get port and red wine vomit out of a cream carpet at your oppo's married patch?

    My Mum works for the witness protection service in a Magistrate's court, most of the coppers there have met her at some point during the course of her duties.
     
  12. I scored 2. Yes I have eaten a pot noodle and yes I have brought screw top wine to a party.

    However you can get some very good screw top wine nowadays and sometimes a pot noodle is the only thing available when you come off watch at 0400.

    Therefore I scored 0 and am superior to all of you.
     
  13. I scored a whopping 16 but 2 deck dash has explained everyone of them.
    I am not a pikey.
    I am VG SAT
     
  14. Fcuk me! 17! And my stepdads house was called Dunroamin.... I'd better start tucking my trackies (hummel of course) into my socks!
     
  15. Oh Fcuk now i am a fcuking pikey I scored 9 and I am a scouser to
    boot oh god . I am now in a deep dark satanic depression. :( :(
     
  16. phew!
     
  17. FFS nobody but nobody beats Trago Mills it says so on the radio
    The wheel is turning but the hampster is dead
     

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