Battle of Trafalgar

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by higthepig, Aug 2, 2008.

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  1. Gunner Joe

    I'll tell you a seafaring story,
    Of a lad who won honour and fame
    Wi' Nelson at Battle 'Trafalgar,
    Joe Moggeridge, that were his name.

    He were one of the crew of the Victory,
    His job when a battle begun
    Was to take cannon balls out o' basket
    And shove 'em down front end o' gun.

    One day him and Nelson were boxing,
    The compass, like sailor lads do.
    When 'Ardy comes up wi' a spyglass,
    And pointing, says "'Ere, take a screw!"

    They looked to were 'Ardy were pointing,
    And saw lots o' ships in a row.
    Joe says abrupt like but respectful,
    "'Oratio lad, yon's the foe."

    'What say we attack 'em?' says Nelson,
    Says Joe 'Nay lad, not today.'
    And 'Ardy says, 'Aye, well let's toss up.'
    'Oratio answers 'Okay.'

    They tossed... it were heads for attacking,
    And tails for t'other way 'bout.
    Joe lent them his two-headed penny,
    So the answer was never in doubt.

    When penny came down 'ead side uppards,
    They was in for a do it were plain,
    And Joe murmered 'Shiver me timbers.'
    And Nelson kissed 'Ardy again.

    And then, taking flags out o' locker,
    'E strung out a message on high.
    'T were all about England and duty,
    Crew thought they was 'ung out to dry.

    They got the guns ready for action,
    And that gave 'em trouble enough.
    They 'adn't been fired all the summer,
    And touch-holes were bunged up wi' fluff.

    Joe's cannon, it weren't 'alf a corker,
    The cannon balls went three foot round.
    They wasn't no toy balloons either,
    They weighed close on sixty-five pound.

    Joe, selecting two of the largest,
    Was going to load double for luck.
    When a hot shot came in thro' the porthole,
    And a gunpowder barrel got struck.

    By gum! there weren't 'alf an explosion,
    The gun crew were filled with alarm.
    As out of the porthole went Joseph,
    Wi' a cannon ball under each arm.

    At that moment up came the 'Boat-swine'
    He says 'Where's Joe?' Gunner replied...
    'E's taken two cannon balls with 'im,
    And gone for a breather outside.'

    'Do y' think he'll be long?' said the 'Boat-swine'
    The gunner replied, 'If as 'ow,
    'E comes back as quick as 'e left us,
    'E should be 'ere any time now.

    And all this time Joe, treading water,
    Was trying 'is 'ardest to float.
    'E shouted thro' turmoil of battle,
    'Tell someone to lower a boat.'

    'E'd come to the top for assistance,
    Then down to the bottom he'd go;
    This up and down kind of existence,
    Made everyone laugh... except Joe.

    At last 'e could stand it no longer,
    And next time 'e came to the top.
    'E said 'If you don't come and save me,
    I'll let these 'ere cannon balls drop.'

    'T were Nelson at finish who saved him,
    And 'e said Joe deserved the V.C.
    But finding 'e 'adn't one 'andy,
    'E gave Joe an egg for 'is tea.

    And after the battle was over,
    And vessel was safely in dock.
    The sailors all saved up their coupons,
    And bought Joe a nice marble clock.

    Marriott Edgar

  2. FFS Higgy - I'm sitting in a Starbucks in Houston laughing my head off and all the Seppos are staring :thumright:

    Cracking :thumright:

  3. Its a bit like Mike Harding's

    Napoleons Retreat from Wigan.

    Twas on the plains of Irlam,
    The year 1815
    Napoleon were sat in his long johns,
    Suppin' Brasso with Josephine.

    He'd chewed his nails to the very quick,
    So he chewed 'em down to t' slow
    He was chewin' very hard when up the back yard
    Come a corporal his face all aglow.

    Eh bean mon capitain," he cried,
    "Sackrit bloo murd alors parlez voox"
    And boney spat out a big lump of nail and said
    "Bugger me what's to do?"

    "It's t'lads cried corporal pickin' his nose,
    "We played Wigan at billiards last night
    And Wigan lads cheated and give us wobbly cues
    And sewed all t pockets up tight"

    "Ecky le pecky," cried Boney,
    "I'll show 'em which team's the best"
    And he had a quick chew of his fingernails
    And stuck his hand up his vest.

    "Dish out some spud guns and catapults," he cried,
    "And give lads pea shooters all round
    We'll burn down the pie and peas shops,
    And raze chippies down to t' ground."

    "Us'll run through Wigan like a dose of salts,
    We'll make 'em tremble and quake
    We'll loot and we'll pillage and we'll pinch things as well,
    And we'll smash all the Eccles cake!"

    Well he borrowed the Irlam muck cart,
    And some spuds to roast on t' way
    And with all of his lads in t' wagon,
    'e pointed 'is 'orse Wigan way.

    But weather turned rotten to spite him,
    It snowed, rained and hailed and all t' rest
    And Boney started sulkin' and chewin' his nails,
    And stickin' his hand up his vest.

    Soon the horse wouldn't go no further,
    It were weary and smelly and old
    And it asked for a blanket and Time and a Half,
    And boots for workin' in t' cold.

    Well they traipsed through the snow for a fortneet,
    Dischuffed to the knickers they were
    They'd icicles hangin' from their nom de plumes,
    And tricycles hung from their hair.

    So they traipsed through t' slush round slag heaps,
    And up by t' canal and by t' pier
    Till they come to a door-mat in t' snow sayin' "BOG OFF"
    And Boney said "Ey up lads we're there!!"

    But the gates of Wigan were bolted tight,
    Said Boney, "Ooo what a pest"
    And he had another chew of his fingernails,
    And stuck his hand up his vest.

    There he stood at the gates of Wigan,
    Frozen tears ran in lumps down his chin
    And he kicked on t' front door with his wellies in temper,
    And shouted "Come on then lerrus in!!! "

    But there on the front door of Wigan,
    A notice he read wi' a groan

    Boney he were right blazin',
    But Wigan were blazin' also
    'Cos Lord Mayor 'ad left chip pan on t' gas ring,
    And Wigan were all aglow.

    Well the flames grew higher and higher,
    And Boney he got right depressed
    So he had another chew of his fingernails,
    And stuck his hand up his vest.

    Well Wigan soon burnt down to ashes,
    An' it got cowld so they 'ad to retreat
    They'd et their boots and socks on t' way,
    So they 'ad to walk 'ome in bare feet.

    Retreatin' were t' worst part o' t' business,
    Cos t' lads were startin' to see red
    And they hissed and booed at Boney up front,
    An' chucked snowballs at t' back of his head.

    Boney were fed up wi' all this,
    So that night he worked out a plan
    He pawned all t' lads' muskets as they lay there in kip,
    An' he come 'ome on t' No. 11 tram.

    It were dark when Boney got back to their street,
    And stars were twinklin' above
    And Boney's passions rose and burst all his buttons,
    As he thowt of Josephine his love!!

    He opened the door, stamped the snow off his boots,
    Stuck his rifle in t' plant pot in th' hall
    "I'm 'ome sweety pie light of my life,"
    And Josie just shouted rude things.

    "Don't think you can go out conquering" she said,
    Enjoying yerself wi' t' lads
    Yer t' wust bloody stop-out i' Irlam!"
    Boney said, "There's no answer to that."

    She said, "You've not finished papperin' t' lobby yet,
    This 'ouse is a right bloody mess
    And you just stand there chewin' your nails,
    And stickin' your hand up your vest."

    Well she ran downstairs and smashed 'im in t' gob,
    An' when he tried to get into bed
    She got right nasty and picked up the po,
    And smashed it over his head.

    So you see what they say in th' hysterical books
    Isn't always right
    It were Boney that got deaf and dumb breakfast
    And Josephine who said 'Not tonight'

    'Cos she made him sleep downstairs on t' hearth rug
    Tossin' and turnin' without rest
    Kickin' the cat and chewin' his nails
    And stickin' his hand up his vest!!!

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