Battered......me not the sausage.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Rumrat, Apr 26, 2010.

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  1. A few years ago, I felt like a change of job and decided to try Taxi driving in Birmingham. I took the knowledge, passed and until I could get a drive on a "Black cab" drove private hire vehicles.

    One night I'm in a not to great side of the city and decide its time to refuel me. I went into the chippy, and bought me a bag of chips and a humongous saveloy sausage.
    I jumps in the car and opens the scran up and puts it on the front passenger seat so I could eat it as I drove back to my own work area.
    I'm driving pretty slow as I troughed my scran, and as I took a ferkin great bite out of my sausage, I was being overtaken.

    My Fuckin god the saveloy smelt and tasted like it had been reared up an arsehole, I nearly brought up my bollocks I retched so hard.
    I also threw the offending object straight out the open drivers window.
    Bad mistake, it hit the windscreen of the overtaking car which just happened to be full of humongous Paddies, there was at least ten thousand of them in the car, give or take nine thousand nine hundred and plonk.
    As it splattered all over the windscreen it seemed to go into slow motion as it exploded and....oh no he turned on his wipers. It was just then that he could not see and shunted a parked car.
    As luck would have it the road forked and I was lucky enough to shoot up the right hand fork as he went left.
    Er not really lucky as it was a dead end and even as I turned off lights and lay down on the seat, I knew I was going to have a little bother.
    Its hard to hide a white Granada with Manor House Cars plastered all over it.
    The door flew open and I was pulled out like a bad tooth, and I never knew four Paddies had about twenty thousand hands to punch with.
    The kicking did not go down great either, but the worst thing they saved for last.
    As they were about to leave me lying battered and bleeding, they shoved the remains of that fuckin sausage back in my gob.

    Now I am not convinced its just "Drinking and driving that's dangerous. 8O
     
  2. tiddlyoggy

    tiddlyoggy War Hero Book Reviewer

    Almost straight off of Shameless. Made me smile.
     
  3. Made me bleed :oops: :cry:
     
  4. Kings Heath? Mosely?
     
  5. Manor house cars......Stechford, but got battered up Kings Heath, so trap one. It's got more Irish up there than Dublin. :D
     
  6. Are you sure, in your battered and bleeding state, that it was a saveloy they shoved in your mouth??
     
  7. I had a job where I had to respond to a lad who had been in a fight at the local chipshop. He declined any medical treatment so I reported it to our control room to cover my own arse. I reported that the lad in question had been in an altercation at the chip shop and had been battered!!! :D

    I could hear the control room errupt in fits of laughter as i reported my findings!!! :wink:
     
  8. I've got a bloody huge craving for saveloy now. Trouble is you cant get them up here in Scotland.
     
  9. I've heard your all a bunch of hermers on the quiet up there in Scotland!!! :D :wink:
     
  10. Well I have quite often had my suspicions about the natives :twisted:
     
  11. When I first started out on the road to becoming a Paramedic, I drove an ambulance. I picked up a Pakistani bloke one night from the IMI strip mill in Witton Birmingham, who was suffering from a severely cut hand. As it was not a dire emergency I picked him up in an ambulance car which was a Ford Zephyr estate conversion, a "Big God" as they were known.

    At this point I must tell you that when you conveyed a patient to the Birmingham Accident Hospital by ambulance you were required to fill in a pre printed form that held all the relevant details, and upon arrival the doctor in attendance filled in his bit and a copy was sent to your own Occupational home unit (base).
    One day soon after my boss sent for me to his office, and as his secretary who was one of us anticipated my bollocking he switched the intercom on to send my predicament to the mess room downstairs.

    It went a little like this:- Ah Steve, you took a patient to the BAH on Friday did you not.
    Yes chief I did.
    Steve explain this to me, and he hands me the report and asks me to read it.
    The capitals in the following are where me and the doc filled in all the rest is standard printed form.


    Sir I have to report that on DATE, I had reason to convey NAME to the Birmingham Accident Hospital, from WITTON STRIP MILL.
    When I picked up the patient he was suffering with A SEVERELY LACERATED HAND APPROX 3" CUT. I duly delivered him at the BAH at TIME, and he was admitted and examined by DR XXXXXX.

    Doctors bit. I had a patient delivered into my care at TIME on DATE by ambulance NUMBER driven by MEDIC RUMRAT.
    Upon examination the patient was found to have A SEVERE LACERATION ON THE LEFT HAND APPROX 3" AND WAS ALSO SUFFERING WITH A FRACTURED SKULL.

    Well sir it's like this, when I hit the island at witton lodge road, the road proved to be closed and I had to make rather a sharp turn to starboard.
    The patient went to steady himself with his hand against the windscreen pillar, but his hand was cut and it hurt him, he had to drop his hand. I had to brake hard so as not to hit the road closed barrier and he flew forwards and bashed his head up the pillar.
    Rumrat if you are a racialist, please don't try to kill them with my equipment, now get out and kill people in your own time.
    Downstairs roaring laughter and all the shift asking if I could get them home quick in the morning. :oops: 8O
     
  12. I've often wondered why you've had so many different jobs.It is now becoming clear. :)
     
  13. I've had more jobs than the local employment centre. When I came out the Andrew I have gone to work at one job and come home with another.
    I have in fact had 14 since 1989, ranging from 3 hrs to 10 years the longest, including the time off sick after I was stabbed and had the heart attack.

    But as I am now officially retired I don't have to worry about work anymore thank God.
    I ain't 65, I have taken early retirement the privilege of the nouveau rich :wink:
     
  14. And the fact no fecker will employ you anymore
     
  15. Actually that's true, mention a heart attack and they cannot get you out the interview room quick enough, thinking maybe you will croak in their office.
    BUT as I had only 5 years work left to do, my salary was circa 25 thousand a year and my compensation makes that drift into small change, who gives a sh1t, the working class can kiss my arse and all that. :wink: :D

    Edited to say, keep working wrecks, the road near my house needs repairing and your tax contributions will help fill a hole or two. :wink:
     
  16. My time will come :lol:
     
  17. Well I won't stab you I promise. :D
     
  18. Rumrat, you have made my night with your tales of Birmingham. Reminds me what I'm missing down here in Pompey, rather than back up there in Redditch.
     
  19. Redditch eh, I used to deliver tyres around there when I worked for Christian Salvesen.
    East moons moat and all points east.
    Went over recently to buy a heater matrix for a car I am rebuilding, but would not like to live there, too remote, I'd miss the city too much.
     
  20. East moons moat. I know it well. My dad works over that way and we live about 5min drive from there. Redditch is a fantastic place to live, it only seems remote because it isn't the same layout of a city, but it is the same size as Portsmouth, and its less than 20mins away from Birmingham. I love it.
     

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