In its first sensible policy for years, the Government has announced that it will ban women drivers from our roads. Since just under half of all road traffic accidents are caused by women, this policy is expected to save thousands of lives. The Minister for Health and Safety, Matt Sojinist, announced that women, most of whom get fat by their early 20s and take 9 months off work for no apparent reason, are a health hazard. "My own Missus gives me an ear bashing if I get home late from a Cabinet meeting", he confessed to our report in a rare moment of male bonding. "In any event, why do women want to drive when it is a proven fact that none of them can reverse park or do a 3 point turn?" Women will, however, be entitled to operate other road vehicles, such as prams, for which a new road licence will be necessary. Mr. Sojinist added "The Government feels that women operate prams better than men and therefore men won't be given licences to push prams." Finally, breast-feeding in public will be compulsory, except for fat women, who will receive on the spot fines for whipping their hooters out in front of other people.