Badly Timed Wood

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Blackrat, Dec 11, 2009.

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  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    A subject that most gentlemen can relate to. My most recent one happened tonight. Allow me to elaborate.

    This evening i hooked up with a couple of old Army muckers and went for a few sherberts up town. After copious amounts of booze and flirting with the barmaids, we said our farewells and all bomburst out of the hostlery to make our way home. I jumped on the underground, grabbed a seat and plugged myself in to my iPod. After a few stops, two gorgeous girls got on and sat opposite me. They were both sporting tiny skirts and lap dancers shoes. Being the gentleman i am, i spent the next ten minutes or so trying to figure out if they were wearing stockings or tights (they were tights sadly) and all too soon, my stop arrived.

    Standing up, i noticed that something was not right. On glancing down, i noticed that little Blackrat had awoken and was keen to begin spitting in the direction of the two young fillies opposite. Now being slightly pissed, and on seeing them notice my incredible penis faux pas, i could do nothing but leer at them in what can only be described as in a sexual predators manner. They both giggled as i exited the carriage, not knowing how lucky they were that JonnoJonno had cleared me out of chloroform.

    The odd thing is, this is not the first time this has happened to me. My earliest memory of badly timed wood was at school when i was asked by a fit maths teacher to come up to the board and work out a problem, when all i was interested in was working out how to hide my rising erection from view of the rest of the class.

    Am i alone in this? Surely some of you male RR's have had a similar problem?
  2. Nah your not alone by any shade mucker!! I went over to the inlaws house last week and found myself drawn to the brother-in-laws missus who is 22 and in my book a bit of a looker. She had had her barnet chopped and styled since i saw her last and i found myself getting quite hot under the collar whilst in her company with a bit of flirting thrown in. On excusing myself for a piss i got up and realised that i had a steaming lob-on that i tried really hard to hide. The problem was that it was too late and i had had one of those leaking jizz moments. needless to say i exited the living room very quickly and hise in the toilet for 15 minutes!!!

    Oh and yes i would definateky do her the little minx!!!

    :oops: :oops: :oops:
  3. Flying ovies and boxer shorts do little to hide one's enthusiasm for the opposite sex, as experienced once upon a time in a far off land called America.

    We'd flown in to NAS Oceana and were enjoying the hospitality of the septics at happy hour. It was a popular venue for an ale or two and we were soon joined by quite a few of the local flange.

    Anyway, fast forward a brace of hours and I was up on the dance floor with one of the aforementioned bints. Unfortunately, the 'grindy' dancing, along with her fascination that, unlike the US version, the English flying suits had pockets, into which she could dip her hands deep (and she did), soon had an undesireable effect on the control column. This would not have been so bad if she hadn't then decided the song was coming to an end and it was time for her to recover her drink from the bar. Following sheepishly behind her, my baggy clobber did little to hide my Tiger but things got worse. One of my 'mates', damn his fighter-pilot eyesight, spotted the goings-on in my nether regions and, being true to the RN traditions, decided everybody in the pub would be a lot better off for ackowledging the results of the US-UK 'special' relationship.

    Despite the blushing, blustering and mutterings about the parenthood of my fellow squadron member, I'm pleased to say the evening did end well. Unfortunately for the septic she'd had too much to drink, so couldn't drive home and had to stay with me in the local ashore-cabin (I think they call them rooms). Even better was her mate had had too much to drink as well and her target had pissed off home, so the poor love needed somewhere to, erm, kip and, luckily, her oppo had already made arrangements :twisted:

    Which was nice.

    PS: Blackrat, the girls in my class used to tell me our maths teacher was fit but he didn't do anything for me and, I'm embarrased to say, no woodage in class as a result. Would Dear Deidrie say there's something wrong with me or is it a Pongo thing to get a stonk on when viewing one's mathematics educator :wink:
  4. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    It may well be a pongo thing old chap.

    You see, my maths teacher was female.

    Pilots can't get wood anyway due to the stresses of all the G force and the fact that they can only erupt once, much like the Martin Baker they are sitting in. :wink:
  5. Ahh, now it all becomes clear. I had a French teacher who certainly had that effect on me. She was a stunner but obvioulsy not quite right in the swede 'cos she ended up married to a Rupert from the 27th Rifle Hussars Cavalry Engineers Guards Foot & Mouth Regiment (or somesuch combination). I saw him once in his refinery at RM Poole. He had a little box strapped to his back (it may have been attached through the sash he was wearing) and I thought it an excellent idea for taking your sandwiches to work. If he had an attachment for carrying his clicky bed I reckon he could have made it as a WAFU :)

    As for g-forces; you're alright if you're flying the Harrier. With a wing about as big as my arm you can pull more 'g' in a 747. That's why SHAR drivers sported tent poles and F16 mates couldn't get Mr Floppy to stand to attention. The seats, however, did little for the manhood. Despite the short ride, it dumped all your blood into your feet and that ain't good for erectile function.........until you go to Farnborough Airshow and get free booze in the Martin Baker chalet and the fit birds in pencil skirts ponce around you, 'cos you're an 'end user' and make people want to buy an ejection seat for their Ford Fiesta.

    Luckily the airlines don't think flying suits are a good idea, as I'm quite certain there'd be a few more dits to share, what with some of the birds on the upper deck of a Jumbo taking care of their beloved pilots :D (and a few stewards for the ex-AAC).
  6. It's a well known fact among those who know me that I have more erections per day than anyone else in the entire world.

    I have developed a difficult relationship with mini puncher. I allow him to see me off whilst routinely going about my business in exchange for the promise that he never lets me down when really needed. He hasn't, thus far.

    The apple deosn't fall far from the tree though, and he likes to take the piss as much as I do. For instance, whilst nursing a particularly ferocious hangover on Senior Rates Leadership Course; he took it upon himself to try and climb out of my swimming shorts during pool gaiety due to outrageous hangover horn. I had to fein cramp and stay in the pool until the cnut reverted to scared turtle status.

    Perhaps worse though, was whilst giving a capability brief to some Air Cadets. Stood out front in full view he decided to arise, it must have been the 17 year olds stockings rubbing together like crickets. In a fit of panic, I had to pretend there was a fire, even though there was no fire alarm.

    What a cnut.

    In fact, I'm nursing an erection now.
  7. And that, my friend, is precisely why I could never be a driving instructor. I'd be in court within a week.
  8. And also why the thought of instructional duties fills me with no small amount of dread. I'm going to get busted to fcuk.
  9. And, if I may be so bold, will be no more than you deserve sweetie.
  10. All those young Jennys looking up at you doe eyed from behind their desks.

    "I don't get it", she says :oops:

    "Here, let me help you...." :twisted:

    Trouble is they're not rats lesbians with moustaches anymore, like when we were in basics.

    Fcuuuuuuuuuk. Good luck with that.
  11. It's a good job that I'm not then isn't it?

    And what's wrong? Jealous of the young nubile girls?
  12. The best way to wake my penis up (apart from smearing menstrual blood under my nostrils or stapling my testicles to a Bible) is to put me on a train and wait until it is due to arrive at my chosen stop. At that point the pleasant rhymical thump and hum of the carriage will target my prostate and provide me with such a distended member that I am grateful for my overcoat to hang off as a disguise. Convoy cock has never been an issue for me but the train is a bastard.

    Daydreaming prior to giving a presentation can be a major issue with me, as I usually have to wait at reception until I am called, and that inevitably involves looking at the clerk/secretary/secretary's dog and letting the imagination go. Standing up to meet her boss can be awkward.
  13. All that pressure to stay slim and give blow jobs to complete strangers? Not so much thanks.
  14. Used to work in a well-known clothes shop part-time to fund studies.

    You know that way you can get really warm and half-tired in the morning and you can easily get a rager at the slightest look of a fit co-worker?

    Got one for about an hour, working in Kidswear.. :oops:
  15. Fcuks sake, in the office across from me there is a young RAF Flying Officer leaning over a desk facing away from me, rubbing her calf with her foot.

    All this talk of trainees and secretaries and that visual treat is close to tipping me over the edge. I might have to phone my duty slapper who works in stores for a bit of lunchtime counterpane olympics.
  16. the train is a trap for me aswell many an embarassing moment on the glasgow to newcastle and a couple of very nice moments in said toilets
  17. There's no pressure to stay slim, you just don't eat pies, easy.

    So you're saying that now there is no pressure to give blow jobs to complete strangers? You just do it?
  18. You wouldn't need to remain slim if you could figure out a way to replicate the hum and thump of a train journey with your mouth. I could even be pursuaded to put my cock in your toothless grid.

    *anyone else a particularly lovely experience of a blowjob and the girl makes a humming noise at the same time? If she puts her teeth around your chap the vibrations go right through you. Dammit I've got wood again.
  19. I like the old style ovies, you know the ones with holes where the pockets should be, they are perfect for mincing around in while nursing a lazy hangover lob on. If you wear no underpants with them it is even better and you can basically walk around all day playing with your cock.

    For added enjoyment I find going upto wrens and saying ''you'll never guess what I found in my pocket'' and then pulling the old chap out through the hole gets a smile everytime. It also presents a good opportunity for playing 'cock or ball,' a fantastic game which can be used to decide who gets the wets in.
  20. Oh good, insults from CP and JJ!

    I am so sure that actually they are quite normal if you met them in real life, and are just playing up for the cameras. I am fairly certain that their mothers would be quite ashamed of them if they knew what they were saying about females.

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