Bad Back

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by RonJeremy, May 21, 2009.

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  1. Has anyone got any advice for a bad back. I've just spent the lunch hour trying to suck myself off in the office and I've hurt my back. I think it may have been associated with the position I was in. Basically I was bollocky buff and trying to do a backward roll type position so I could chew my own root. Even though I'm rigged like a fukking Zanzibar Teddy Boy and I was hard at the time I was still a couple of frustrating inches too short and all I managed to achieved was a face full of my own man milk. Anyway, to cut a long story short, my fukking back's now killing me and to make matters worse the kunt who shares the office with me was giving me fukking dogs abuse whilst I was attempting this difficult feat by saying that I was putting him off his lunchtime chocolate doughnut. As if that wasn't bad enough he then started trying to use my upturned hoop as a pen holder. Cheeky fukking kunt.....there's fukking thousands of fukkers out there who would give their left nad to share an office with me, let alone watch me auto fellate myself.
  2. You should have just asked one of the female members at work or sure there are some willing candidates on here to do the job for you!

    Anyone watch that programme that was on awhile ago, can't remember what it was called but there was a series. The guy on there could do it for hours. Granted he was rats, and prob couldn't get a female to do it anyway. Where's the fun in sucking yourself off for hours on end- not that i'd know mind, i'm merely speculating! :-D
  3. You need rubbing down with warm swarfega mixed with ball bearings then laying face down on a hard floor covered in deck tread and have a nubile NAAFI wench (minimum 25 stone with 'tache and hair lip) to tap dance up and down you spine with stilletto steaming bats finishing up by her doing a maypole dance around the broom handle rammed up your hoop (it worked for me :oops: )
  4. I alwqays thought the more traditional shale oil in place of swarfega was more effective, though perhaps this no longer complies with elfinsafety
  5. I had no idea you were a medical man Wrecker......not only can you shift 5 tonnes from 'M's to sea and vice versa, top up the san tank and pump poo, you also dispense sound medical advice....truly astounding!
  6. Cant take you anywhere RJ, u proboblies hurt ya back because you couldnt reach your cock because it is that small :oops: 8O 8O :lol:

  7. Where's the fukking fun in that? The cum guzzling fukslut civvy bitches form an orderly queue at my office door everyday and beg me to let them suck me off. It becomes irksome after a while and I have to stand at the door pissing on them......
  8. I feel your pain, everytime I try I'm about 2mm away from being able to lick my helmet but it's just not close enough. I however have a solution for your ailment. You need an internal back support, a big plastic c0ck up your clacker will provide the support you require. I also have it on authority from a Jiz flick I was forced to watch a while ago (porn is disgusting, I hate it when people put sh1tloads of it on my Hard Drive.) They key is to nip down the docs and get a couple of ribs removed et voila. Self c0ck slurpage.
  9. That's because I did a proper Part 3, oh and Maxi. we don't use shale oil anymore (drifts off humming "diesel and shale)
  10. I know that to be the untruth oh foolish one. In the past my huge wang has been likened to:

    A babies arm holding an apple
    A vim tin with a sheeps heart on the end
    A fifth limb
    A blind cobblers thumb

    It's that fukking large it has it's own gravitational pull......
  11. whoever boasts the most has the smallest :wink: :wink:
  12. Another statement of unfounded truth....there's a simple reason I can boast about the size of my penis and that's because I have got a fukking ginagorous, huge, mahoosive, monstrous, great, fukking elephant c0ck. FACT!
  13. They had actually stopped using in in Mk8s when I was in, mainly because they had stopped mining the bkloody stuff. The keep muttering about starting to extract the stuff again, wait and see.

    Smelt better than deisol I believe.
  14. I`m so well rigged that I have never seen it hard, it takes that much blood that when it goes up I flake out.
  15. Dear me RJ you do seem to be suffering a lot these days. Of course there are only two practical, long term solutions to your affliction:

    1) to use an industrial vacuum cleaner hose nozzle to coax little willy into elongating when dozing so that when s/he is primed for action your broom handle resembles a microwilly by comparison; and

    2) to have an special orthopedic operation called the Brown Manouvre. It consists of complete removal of your spine, this facilitating you in assuming any posture for a while but unable to sustain it. Of corse were you to replace your mouth with a trunk, you could suck and blow till your heart's content.

    Where is your daughter RJ when you need her. All that skulking with trick cyclists when she should be helping her old man rebuild his sexual appetite. Youngsters these days, just no respect for their elders anymore! :evil:
  16. Dearest R.J.

    Assuming that you are, in fact an ex Sun-dodger - perhaps you
    have already attempted this feat of self-suckery within the confines
    of your own bunk?. It was always better if one had the middle bunk,
    so that you could curl your legs up over your head, and get the fat
    bastard on the top bunk to jump into his pit, thereby reducing the
    available "headroom" sufficiently for ones gob to grasp ones
    purple helmet firmly between the teeth. Fat bastard on top bunk
    should then jump up and down in order to avail middle bunk
    perverts head to bob to and fro until the money shot was achieved.

    As for the bad back? Get a small North Vietnamese Lady-boy to
    rub *Ibuleve* into the affected areas, whilst simultaneously
    performing a "reach-around", and - at the moment you are
    about to blow slop drain and sperm, have the young lad ram
    his fist up your stern-tube, thus affecting an instant upright
    stance due to the shock. This should straighten your spinal
    column sufficiently for you to go back to Light Duties.


    (Enclosure): Everything Google has to offer with regards to chewing your own :tool:
  17. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

  18. Er, when you click on the link supplied by BNM the thread that deals with "How to give a Blow Job", is er posted by,[email protected] 8O :D

    Now I'm wondering :?: :oops:
  19. 'It's that fukking large it has it's own gravitational pull......' You could try using magnets ? :D One strapped to your cock, one in hand, bend over and upupupupup ..... :)
  20. I wonder if you could lube up a magnetic jar type thing and by waving another magnet around create some kind of hands free wanking device.........

    Hang on..............

    It was my idea, PATENT PENDING YOU CNUTS!

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